Do you ever lose your way? Not literally in the "getting lost, I need a map" way, but more in the "this is not the way I intended to live my life" way.
I do. Of course I get lost literally as well, but that's a different story.
I've been feeling a bit lost on my life path lately. I know all the things I am supposed to do -- read my Bible, pray, serve others, find a purpose, be kind to others, keep a lovely and orderly home, cook meals, organize and take care of needs and wishes and desires. But lately I've been suffering from "what's the point" syndrome. I think it's moving into empty nest and having a husband in graduate school preparing to change professions. I also thinks it's my reaction to a society that tells me to do more and more and more. The things I enjoy most are peace, quiet, reading, moving at a relaxed pace, not striving. I get so tired of trying and having to fight for everything.
[Right around here is the point I feel compelled to throw in my proviso -- I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. I have a great life. A lovely home with running water, heat, a roof that doesn't leak. I have healthy children who have grown into capable, fully functional adults, and they still talk to me. I have a husband of 29 years, and we still love each other (even through the rough patches). So I know I've got it really good.]
I'm not quite sure what my function is, according to other people. Now if I throw the other people out of the equation (again, not literally) what I want is to maintain my home, cook, craft, read, write, walk, yoga, help others, and grow closer to God. So why is it so hard for me to achieve those personal goals while feeling good about them?
I don't work outside the home. I don't volunteer all over town. I don't teach cradle roll at church. I'm a introvert who likes being alone or with the people I feel most at ease with. Does this mean I'm failing somehow? Is my desire for quiet simplicity a failing of my character, or am I just an anachronism? A person out of step with our current society?
I'm not sure. What I do know is that if I don't live my life as my authentic self, then I have lost my one chance at being who I am. Who I believe God made me to be. I tried living up to everyone else's expectations and I tried pleasing everyone else and ignoring me -- it doesn't work.
So I'm back to doing the things I want to do and caring for the people who are my responsibility. All the while reminding myself that I am my own worst judge and critic.
linking up with 31 Days of Writing