Thursday, October 30, 2014

Juxtaposition

Mama Kat gave me juxtaposing prompts this week.

List 7 things you miss about being a kid.
Write a post inspired by the word: bitter.

It's a double whammy for me. How do I determine what I miss from a childhood of broken memories? Am I bitter (angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment) about those broken memories? Maybe I have to answer both to answer either one very well.

What do I miss about my childhood? Well I miss thinking everything was normal, just the way it was supposed to be. The thing about kids is they tend to assume whatever their world looks like is reality for everyone. There is a (false) sense of security in feeling superior to other people. 

I also miss some really key people from my childhood. My great-grandmother called Nur (nuh) and her sister, Auntie (ainty) and her husband Uncle Horace. They were my havens of safety growing up. I doubt they knew it, but I sure did. The unconditional love they showed me probably kept me going, even through all the horrors.

There are a few toys from my childhood I wish hadn't gotten lost along the way, but I still have my treasured Dahlia and the red rocking chair I got the same Christmas she came to live with me.

I miss reading all night long, because I could. It's easier when you don't have anywhere to be the next day. And I miss eating Nana rolls until I was nearly sick, and fried chicken at my daddy's mama's house. I miss feeling as if I belonged with that group of people, but they're all gone now.

Am I bitter? I don't think so. My life wasn't a bowl of cherries, but it wasn't all bad either. I went through some horrific experiences, but I did have a family. A place to live and good food to eat. I had family who loved me as best they could, I guess. No, I'm not bitter. But I am sad. There are a lot of experiences I'll never have as they were meant to be. Like sex with my husband the first time, or feeling accepted and secure right away with other people. I missed out on childhood the way it was meant to be. Innocent. 

For whatever reason, I've never felt the need to play the "why me" card. "Why not me" has always been the question for me. I wouldn't wish those experiences on anyone else. Not anyone. No, not even the abusers themselves. It's not that I'm happy or okay that it did happen to me. I think I'm just accepting that what was, was. It's not something I can change, so there's no point dwelling on it.

It's taken me years to work through a lot of the issues, and I'm sure there will always be things that crop up. Things to be addressed as time goes by, but that's true for everyone. 

I guess my life is actually just like everyone else's. There were good things and bad things. Things I miss and things I'm glad are in the past. Life goes on.

linking up with Writer's Workshop and 31 Days of Writing






9 comments:

  1. What a sweet post picking out the things from childhood that you miss, even if your childhood wasn't a good one. I love that you included reading all night! You're right, that was definitely easier to do when no one expected anything of you the next day.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I find this to be a very brave post. I wish you well in your healing journey.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for being so vulnerable and real. Love this! Hugs friend! Never lose sight of the testimony God has given you...it will change lives.

    http://www.bethanyboring.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree, this is a very brave post. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, what a healthy perspective on it all. So brave of you to write about it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Extremely though provoking post. A very positive outlook!

    ReplyDelete
  7. What gets me about my own sad childhood memories is that I don't feel sad for myself, but I feel broken for that little girl I was. She deserved better. I love that you are able to pick out the silver lining and still recognize the some of the beauty you had growing up as well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. WOW! Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you've healed and continue to and I suppose that's what's important. We must move on otherwise who knows where we end up stuck unable to see the good that can come after.

    ReplyDelete

Please sign up as a follower to see comment replies.