The Perp's Depressed

Thanksgiving brings out the best in people . . . well not always. This Thanksgiving was no different. First a little history. Several years ago after being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, I told my parents that I would not attend family get togethers as long as this particular abuser was present. This was very hard for me to say to them for a variety of reasons: I hate confrontation; I thought it would be obvious to them that I would not want to eat with a man who had raped me; I was not used to standing up for myself. Unfortunately they chose to have him continue as a guest in their house instead of supporting and understanding my feelings. Since that time (some 8 years ago) I have not been to holiday gatherings at my parents house. No Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Easter, no Mother's Day, no Father's Day, no July 4th -- none of them. Every time a holiday comes around, I wish that I could be part of a familial celebration. I like the ideas of traditions and extended family, but I can't get past having to be in his presence for that to happen. It makes the celebration feel like a lie, not to mention that fact that no one mentions the gigantic elephant in the middle of the room!


Anyway, my dd went to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner this past week. She celebrated with us at my father in law's house, and then went to see the other side of the family. Shortly after she left our house, I received a text message from her telling me that the perp and his wife weren't coming because he is depressed and his doctor had recommended they get away for the weekend. I'll admit many thoughts rushed through my head at this point. Some were not very nice! What does he have to be depressed about? Seriously! He's gotten off scott free from where I sit. But almost immediately, I thought, I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. I hope he gets help. I hope he feels better. I think that's a good sign. It validates my belief that I have forgiven him. 


What actually stuck in my craw was the realization that my parents had KNOWN he wasn't coming, but didn't take the opportunity to see if I would have liked to be at their dinner table for Thanksgiving. For 8 years I have worried about their feelings. How my absence was impacting them. Was it hard for them to enjoy their holiday without their younger daughter present? Did they miss me? Were they angry with me for not being there? This Thanksgiving answered some of those questions, and not in a good way. Apparently, I don't cross their minds in relation to holidays much at all. 


Now believe it or not, I don't think this was a deliberate or malicious act on their part. I believe it never crossed their minds that here was a golden opportunity -- an olive branch that they could extend to me. Yes they are that shallow. And yes it hurts all over again. I thought about confronting them with the situation, but I've determined that confrontations with them never seem to lead anywhere positive for me. The anticipation of the confrontation just leads to stress and anxiety, and I just don't need that. 


So last night, I went to their house and ate a turkey sandwich, and sat around talking about nothing of any significance. Part of me wondered why I bother, but another part of me embraced a little bit of familial celebration. 


I just hope someone will smack me up side my head if I ever pull anything like this with my kids!