Questions and Honor

Yesterday our minister started his lesson with a reminder that the holidays aren't always the best of times for all people. A variety of issues impact our enjoyment of this time of year. He encouraged those who are hurting to reach out and not isolate themselves, and those who find this a joyous time of year to help and encourage those who struggle. As someone who has mixed feelings concerning the holidays, I really appreciated his laying it out in the open like that.


The lesson was on Cain and Abel. The idea that those who are nearest and dearest to us can inflict the most pain -- sometimes intentionally and sometimes because they themselves are hurting. Whatever the pain and whatever the cause, we are called to love one another. Even those family members we don't like! I joke because this is a real dilemma for me.


My past is littered with abusers. Over the course of my young life I was abused by five different people. Of the abusers two stand out as the "worst". They overlapped, but were completely unaware of each other. One was the student in the study, that I have written about before. He molested me on two separate occasions, and was a constant fixture in my life for a couple of years. The other is a cousin. I haven't written about her here yet. I don't know where to begin or how much to tell. She started when I was 5 and it went on until I was 9. She was sadistic. But neither of these impact the holidays as much as another one.


I will remain vague, as I do not wish ill will on this person's immediate family. He came into my life when I was a teenager. I didn't like him from the beginning. He became part of my family, so I did the best I could to stay away from him. He made passes and unkind comments over a period of years. The culmination was a rape when I was 21. When I finally told my family there was confusion, pain and disbelief. To my horror, when I said I couldn't stand to be around him they chose him over me. So now for the holidays, he spends the time with my family while I try to create new traditions and memories for myself, my husband, and my kids. 


Every year I question whether I have made the right choice; whether I am being too harsh; whether I am the problem in the family and not the other way around. I pray. I try to pray openly, listening for God's response. Invariably I feel the response is to continue on this path. To honor myself and teach my children about that honor while still honoring (to the best of my ability) my parents, but it's hard. So yesterday was a really tough day for me. I'm glad that our minister tells it like it is, I just wish I could get one of those notarized papal bulls telling me for sure that I'm doing this okay. Since I don't think that's going to happen this year (or any other year, for that matter) I'll keep praying, talking to people I trust, and working on trusting myself.