Notice

Every year it sneaks up on me. Every year I promise myself I'll do a better job. Every year it happens again.

Pre-holiday depression. It's not like it used to be. I can get up and get moving, but there is less order and little joy in the things I'm doing. Then come the recriminations. The negative self-talk. Listing my failures. Berating myself for not being HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY all the time.

This year I caught it a bit earlier. This year I acknowledged it, and called it what it is. This year I said, "I remember who I was when walked into your office all those years ago, and I have come so far. I am so much better." I took credit for the growth and healing of the past years.

Yesterday I wrote about taking care of myself. I made a list and put it out in the blog-o-sphere for a bit of accountability. I can preach it all really well, but putting it into practice can be very difficult. 

This year I noticed much earlier, and I've made a plan. Maybe with a plan I can notice other things this holiday season, and in the noticing find a bit a more joy.


linking up with Five Minute Friday

It's the most wonderful time of the year . . .

But is it really? Let's be clear I enjoy the holidays. I especially like Thanksgiving because it's all about being appreciative and grateful for our families, friends, homes, and food. We actually have one day each year set aside to stop and really think about how blessed we are. And there is FABULOUS stuff to eat!

But, but. The holidays bring out a lot of other feelings besides gratitude. A lot of those other feelings are the result of societal expectations, but others are experiential. The commercials tells us to feel one way, but our memories remind us of past holidays and how we felt let down.

I'm attempting to write something with depth and meaning and the reality is I'm depressed. Not as depressed as I was a few days ago, but I know it will be a see-saw from now until after the new year. Because it's hard not to feel bummed when my holidays won't look like the TV commercials, and I'll be reminded of family dissension. Reminded of family I don't interact with (by my own choosing and for my own good), but I miss the idea of a family filled holiday.

I have this little voice in my head that reminds me over and over again that it's all my fault that I don't have a TV family. It's all my fault that I'm not over the top happy for 2 straight months of the year. It's all my fault that I'm tired and headachy, and would rather sleep and watch TV than decorate my house, bake cookies, and shop. So I wind up feeling like the Grinch. And I'm not the Grinch. I'm a basically happy, upbeat person. Yes, parts of the holidays are difficult because they aren't the way I want them to be. But I have family and friends that I share the holidays with -- I am not alone. I have more stuff than I will ever be able to appreciate, let alone use. 

I sat in my therapist's office on Tuesday and felt relief wash over me as tears squeezed from my eyes. She reminded me that PTSD from childhood abuse is one of the most difficult diagnoses to deal with, because these traumatic events happened during my formative years. In my case throughout my formative years. The negative patterns are imprinted on me. It's not that I am unwilling to let go of the past, but rather that it is imprinted on my brain. So, yes, it's going to crop up. There are going to be triggers. Getting over it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just like getting over the flu doesn't mean you don't remember how sick you felt when you had it. 

I read a quote this morning -- 

“If you believe you deserve nurturing only when you’re extremely upset, you’re like the majority of survivors who feel they have to be totally falling apart before they slow down and take care of themselves. But taking care of yourself should not be confined to times of crisis. Nurturing and taking care of your needs should become a daily habit, not something special to be pulled out in an emergency.” The Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis

and it reminded me to take care of me. So that's what I'm doing. I drinking lots of water, paying attention to what I eat (but not too much!), resting when I'm tired, getting some exercise, doing yoga, seeing the chiropractor, talking with my therapist, and planning some fun things just for me. 

When I dream about the episodes of abuse, it is as if I am reliving them. The key is to remind myself when I awaken that I didn't cause the dreams to come anymore than I caused the abuse to happen. I'm learning to see the return of the dreams as my subconscious telling me to slow down and take care of me. It's not my fault, but I can do some things to help myself.

With those ideas in my head (and in writing) I can enjoy lots of things and people and food this holiday season, hopefully release some those expectations, and just be in the moments to come. 


linking up with Just Write

Seasonal Scents

linking up with Wordless Wednesday & The Jenny Evolution

With Thanks to Lisa-Jo Baker

Repeat after me:

1. I shall not wait for my house or my life to be perfect before inviting someone in.
2. I shall remember that big hospitality has nothing to do with the size of my house.
3. I shall not judge my house, my Holidays or my gift wrapping skills by Pinterest’s standards.
4. I shall tell myself that no one ever did actually die of embarrassment from a small or messy space. And that missing out on community is a much worse kind of dying.
5. I shall not compare myself to others’ traditions, decor or gifts, but find my identity in the God who came to *be* the gift to me.
6. I shall play music loudly and teach my kids the joy of wildly off key carols.
7. I shall accept that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots.
8. I shall remember that guests will only feel as comfortable in my home as I feel in my own skin.
9. I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.
10. I shall remember that there’s no shame in paper plates if they’re heaped high with delight in each others’ company.
11. I shall give my friends the gift of comparison-free friendship.
12. I shall pause between preparations to savor the celebrations.
13. I shall remember that hospitality is about opening the door, not about how fancy the furniture, decor or dishes.
14. I shall treat my family with the same grace I offer my guests.
15. I shall treat myself with the same grace I offer everyone else.
16. I shall leave the dishes and lean into the conversations.
17. I shall not focus on fear of appearances but on fully opening my arms to my friends and family.
18. I shall not be intimidated by how the holidays, the turkey, the tree or the memories “should” be celebrated but love the people I’m celebrating with instead.
19. I shall welcome my kids into the decorations, preparations, and celebrations.
20. I shall remember that I want you here. Whether I’m perfectly ready or not. Just the way you are. Which will likely mean most days, I must open the door just the way I am too.

~ with love from one tired, happy mother to another.

From Lisa-Jo Baker with much gratitude!

The Simple Woman's Daybook -- November 30th

FOR TODAY

Outside my window...it is cool, cloudy and drippy. No birdies so far this morning. I can only assume they are sleeping in this morning!

I am thinking...about yoga class. I do a restorative yoga class on Tuesday mornings at the YMCA. It stretches my body and relaxes my mind.

I am thankful for...my dh. After 25 years of marriage, we communicate much better than when we first started, but sometimes we go through periods of distance. We reconnected over the last couple of days and it is really nice.

From the learning rooms...exams loom before us! Give my strength!

From the kitchen...cleaning up from the Thanksgiving holiday, and trying to decide what goodies to make for Christmas.

I am wearing...black yoga pants, a long sleeved gray t-shirt and my tan suede Merrills.

I am creating...lots of messes and nothing else!

I am going...to San Francisco! Dh has a business meeting and I'm going with him for an impromptu get away.

I am reading...The Last Summer (of You and Me) by Ann Brashares; Mere Discipleship by Lee C. Camp; and Alone: Orphaned on the Ocean.

I am hoping...to shake some of this lethargy -- however with the current weather that seems unlikely!

I am hearing...commercials for Salvation Army Angel Tree program.

Around the house...still a wreck : (

One of my favorite things...is watching my bird feeder. There are now three yellow finches fighting over the remaining seeds in the finch sock.

A few plans for the rest of the week...San Francisco! Need I say more!?!

Here is a  picture for thought I am sharing...

This is a picture of the hotel we are staying at in San Francisco.

Hosted by The Simple Woman's Daybook

Questions and Honor

Yesterday our minister started his lesson with a reminder that the holidays aren't always the best of times for all people. A variety of issues impact our enjoyment of this time of year. He encouraged those who are hurting to reach out and not isolate themselves, and those who find this a joyous time of year to help and encourage those who struggle. As someone who has mixed feelings concerning the holidays, I really appreciated his laying it out in the open like that.


The lesson was on Cain and Abel. The idea that those who are nearest and dearest to us can inflict the most pain -- sometimes intentionally and sometimes because they themselves are hurting. Whatever the pain and whatever the cause, we are called to love one another. Even those family members we don't like! I joke because this is a real dilemma for me.


My past is littered with abusers. Over the course of my young life I was abused by five different people. Of the abusers two stand out as the "worst". They overlapped, but were completely unaware of each other. One was the student in the study, that I have written about before. He molested me on two separate occasions, and was a constant fixture in my life for a couple of years. The other is a cousin. I haven't written about her here yet. I don't know where to begin or how much to tell. She started when I was 5 and it went on until I was 9. She was sadistic. But neither of these impact the holidays as much as another one.


I will remain vague, as I do not wish ill will on this person's immediate family. He came into my life when I was a teenager. I didn't like him from the beginning. He became part of my family, so I did the best I could to stay away from him. He made passes and unkind comments over a period of years. The culmination was a rape when I was 21. When I finally told my family there was confusion, pain and disbelief. To my horror, when I said I couldn't stand to be around him they chose him over me. So now for the holidays, he spends the time with my family while I try to create new traditions and memories for myself, my husband, and my kids. 


Every year I question whether I have made the right choice; whether I am being too harsh; whether I am the problem in the family and not the other way around. I pray. I try to pray openly, listening for God's response. Invariably I feel the response is to continue on this path. To honor myself and teach my children about that honor while still honoring (to the best of my ability) my parents, but it's hard. So yesterday was a really tough day for me. I'm glad that our minister tells it like it is, I just wish I could get one of those notarized papal bulls telling me for sure that I'm doing this okay. Since I don't think that's going to happen this year (or any other year, for that matter) I'll keep praying, talking to people I trust, and working on trusting myself.