Begin : Write 28 Days

Begin.

Begin again.

Start over.

Recreate.

Reinvent.

All words that signify change. The hope for a shift. A do-over. 

I've been in the midst of all those things for the past 3 1/2 years. I've settled at my computer numerous times to write about changes and new beginnings. I guess I haven't really been ready. I hope I'm ready now. To begin to write about the past in a new way. To focus on the future without constantly looking over my shoulder into the past. There have been so many questions. So much doubt and fear, and sometimes sheer terror. But part of needing to begin is to write, so I'm taking on this challenge of Write 28 Days as the opportunity (and let's face it, accountability and expectations) to look back in a productive way so that I can begin to write, to process, to share, to begin a new way forward.

Three and a half years ago, my marriage of 32 years ended. It wasn't abrupt, more of slow-burn that turned into a cleansing fire. Things had been unraveling for quite some time. I'd been twisting myself into knots, figuratively and literally, for several years. We had tried praying together for the marriage, talking with church leaders and friends, professional counseling (multiple players), individual counseling ad infinitum. Nothing helped or changed. It was over. Something I never intended to happen was happening, and while I was terrified, I was also relieved. Relieved to accept defeat (?). Relieved to find a way out of the constant stress and anxiety that was tearing my psyche and my body apart. I won't go into the gory details except to say that something that had been good, just kept going downhill. 

I was 54 years old, almost an empty-nester. I hadn't worked full-time in 26 years. I hadn't worked part-time in 7 years. I am not a particularly confrontational person -- it's not in my nature and the abuse from the past hadn't encouraged me to learn how to stand up for myself -- but suddenly I found myself needing to stand up in all kinds of unprecedented ways. To begin being more self-reliant. And as I began to believe in my capabilities, to trust my instincts, to choose what I wanted, I found I was better at all of those things than I had realized I was. 

So with this beginning to write again, I hope that I'm taking another step toward being the person I want to be. Maybe the person I was meant to be. Not a new me, but a more authentic me.

Begin. 

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