Surprise : Write 28 Days

Surprise! We're half-way through this challenge and I've only missed one day. Yay, for me!!!

I started writing this blog in 2009. When I started it I felt selfish and sure that my motivations were far from admirable. I had all kinds of information, ideas, memories, and beliefs floating around in my head, and the only way I knew to get them out and potentially organized was to write. But I couldn't just do it for myself, because I needed external validation. My belief that something I thought or felt was valid just wasn't enough. Someone else's words were needed to prove the veracity of my feelings. 

For several years I wrote faithfully. Not necessarily every day, but several times a week. And it helped. It helped me, and I was getting feedback from others who were benefiting from my writing. I felt validated. It was a good thing to write as long as others were being helped. 

Then my marriage started to unravel. We had been teetering on something for a long time. I kept trying to live the way he wanted. Eventually, I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. I had to be who I was. That sounds so trite, but it's the reality of what was going on. Somewhere in that unraveling, I quit writing. 

This blog has always been the truth. Pretty or ugly, I've always tried to be unerringly honest. Maybe that was a way of testing my true feelings. Maybe it fed that need for someone to know about the awfulness without having to stand face to face with them. Whatever the reason, this space has always been about me and my life. When things began to unravel that didn't feel right or safe anymore. 

One of many surprises along this path has been how long it's taken to be able to embrace my authentic self in the aftermath of it all. I blithely thought that once the stress was removed (instantaneously) I would know how to live that way. The reality is that turning my life around took longer (is taking longer?) than I could have imagined. 

This past weekend's retreat was a blessing in so many ways, and along with the retreat, this challenge has gotten me back into writing regularly. For both of those events, I am so very grateful.

One quote from the weekend keeps repeating in my head -  

“Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one.” - Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

This time around I've allowed myself to be a bad artist. And the great surprise in that has been how quickly I've found my voice again. I don't know if I'm bad, mediocre, or good at this writing thing. What I do know is that I don't really care so much what anyone else thinks about it.

And that is the greatest surprise of all.