Knowing how much to share.
I started writing this blog as an outlet for coping with PTSD and the long lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse. I probably couldn't have told you that was why at the time. I tried to convince myself that I was just going to write about everyday stuff. Deep inside I wanted to talk about all the awfulness that was going on in my head, but I was terrified of sharing. Of putting it out there to be judged. Of being called a liar.
I felt selfish for wanting to hear positive responses. I felt selfish for wanting to talk about myself, so I tried to frame it in my head as doing something for someone else. Although I couldn't imagine how putting my trauma out there could possibly help anyone else. I knew it was just a ruse. I just wanted attention.
Over time I've come to realize that it was okay to want to share my story for my own sake. It was okay to need some attention. To need someone -- anyone -- to express horror, care, concern, and even pride, at what I'd come through.
It's still difficult to write sometimes. Even this post makes me wonder for a minute or two why I am saying all these things. But I stop and remind myself that I'm not forcing anyone to read this. To follow my blog. To comment. And I do know that there are people out there who are helped by my honesty, and there is a great deal of comfort in that.
Mostly I'm just so grateful to have this opportunity.
linking up with Writer's Workshop
You are extremely brave, I don't have your courage yet, but some day I hope to.
ReplyDeleteWriting is great therapy for anyone...to feel validated, release those memories, and know that you're not alone are all perks of this space. I'm glad you're here.
ReplyDeleteMelanie - you ARE brave to put yourself "out there"; to share your abuse and your dealing with PTSD. It isn't easy, and it isn't selfish! It is what you need - and you are doing what you know how to "deal" with it; to share and open yourself up to others. You ARE a brave and courageous young woman - and hoping that by sharing you will reach others; but at the same time, you will lift YOUR burden a bit because it IS shared with others. God be with you - and keep his loving arms around you as you continue this journey of opening up to others.
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