Reconnecting

Write 31 Days #1

Satan thrives on replaying our worst experiences and fears. In Never Unfriended, Lisa-Jo Baker calls it "spiritual torture" -- thoughts out of context.

Those middle of the night fears and thoughts aren't real, accurate, or true. They are jabs -- prods -- arrows from satan taking advantage of us at our most vulnerable moments. It is then that we must fight with all the tools we have assembled and practiced during the light of day when fear hides in the shadows unwilling to risk a frontal attack. Because fear prefers covert action.

I was raised in a conservative, Bible-based tradition. We memorized scripture, but it wasn't until I started trying to memorize scripture again as an adult, that I finally began to understand one of the benefits of it. As I child suffering from abuse, being judged on my ability to recite scripture was just another opportunity to fail and be judged harshly by others (whether in reality or only in my head). As an adult, memorizing scripture because I had chosen to do it, I learned the truth about memorization. It's not to impress anyone else. It doesn't make me a "better" Christian or more holy. What I found instead was the gift that memorization was to me, in my darkest moments. 

When fear clutches at me and I can respond with Jesus' words, there is no way for the fear to win. For months I have recited the Lord's Prayer after I turn off the light as I go to bed. At first, I felt I was using it as a mantra or a spell of some sorts, worrying that God would be angry with me for misusing scripture. (If that sounds a bit nutty to you, all I can say is, abuse does weird stuff to your processing skills!). Over time I came to understand that using Jesus' words, God's words, in this way are part of the gift God has provided in giving me a personal savior. Jesus experienced personal, human pain and betrayal, and so he understands my human pain and betrayal. 

There is a lot of change and challenging thinking going on in my world right now. I've been absent here for quite some time, as life made it impossible to be here. I've missed it. I've missed the opportunity to write out my thoughts and feelings. Write 31 Days is just what I've needed to get back here, for me. Unlike most of the writers in this group, I don't have a plan (I'm not very good at planned writing under the best of circumstances!), but I'm here. And I plan to be here every day for the rest of the month. 

Blessings!

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