Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Imperfect Thoughts

I want to write about the struggles I'm having. About marriage therapy where we are addressing long standing issues. About how I feel that I never do enough or do it the right way. About how difficult communication can be even with those you love the most.

I want to write about my son and his struggles with growing up. College and how hard it can be learning to be an adult because it's not all about freedom. It's about responsibility and hard work as well.

I want to write about my daughter and the struggles she's having right now with past choices and future plans. How hard it is for her to look at the past and get it in perspective. How difficult it is for her figure out what to do next, now that college is behind her.

And I want to write about the fact that I'm learning to live each day in it's own space. How I take life in 1 hour increments, because if I plan any farther than that it inevitably changes and that throws me off kilter. I want to write about feeling unsure one minute and positive the next that I'm doing the best I can (a phrase my husband hates). I want to trust that I'm making good, okay, acceptable, correct choice, but maybe I'm just telling myself that so I can get what I want.

I'm an introvert who always seems to have people around me. I'm a people pleaser, which means my wants, wishes, desires, beliefs usually take a backseat to everyone else's. 

I want life to be less stressful. And then I feel guilty for even thinking that, when I have a house and a car and all the food I could possibly want or need. I know I have it so good. What right have I to complain? But I just wish it weren't so hard. I want a stretch of ease. No major crises. No significant family issues. No work issues. A period of peace. 

And I look for it in small doses. A day spent with my best friend. A long walk with my husband. Casual, relaxing conversation with my daughter. A brief, upbeat phone call from my son. But I worry about worrying. Matthew tells us that we are not to worry. So now I'm failing at something different. 

And round and round it goes. The merry go round of stress and anxiety. The desperate need to please so I won't be in trouble. And, yes, I know the only one I need to please is God, but how do I know? How do I know that I'm making the right choices for the right reasons? That I'm not just rationalizing my choices to get what I want.

Those are my imperfect thoughts this morning.

linking up with imperfect prose


3 comments:

  1. Doing what you can is better than doing nothing. God loves you. You are worthy of his love. If it helps, I've been to the same place. I thank you for the courage to share. I can truly empathize and can tell you there is hope. I came through it with God's help. You are on the path too..

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  2. Oh friend. I understand these struggles. Different details to my struggle but the same underlying theme. My pastor recommended a book and I just finished it today. It brought a lot of grace to my struggles, so I will share the title of it with you in case you are interested. It is called victory over the darkness by john t Anderson I believe is the author's name. I don't have it by me but if that is wrong I will come back and correct it. Sending you love and know that you are enough. Hugs and blessings.

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