Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Filling the Hole

"When you were a child who did you go to for comfort?"

Is this supposed to be an easy question? Is there a trick in here somewhere?

I am supposed to say, "My mother and/or father" right? That's the "right" answer. But what if it doesn't ring true? What if I can't remember that happening?

I don't think she meant it to be a difficult question? I wasn't really supposed to have sit and think about it. But I did. 

She followed it up with, "Have you ever felt fully accepted -- for who you are?" Another question where the expected answer is clearly, "Yes". It's self-indulgent to say "No". Needy. Attention seeking. 

The truth is this all my life I have been hunting for someone, anyone, to accept me warts and all. It could be that those people are already in my life and I just can't comprehend that they are okay with me. It might be that I'm just so afraid to trust, that I constantly hold back.

So another box has been opened. Another set of tears flowing as I realize that, while things are much better, there is still a hole waiting to be filled. God is there along with one or two flesh people, but there is still a lot of empty space in that hole. Space that needs -- longs -- to be filled with love, admiration, and acceptance. 

Like so many other things along this path of healing, I am going to have to fill that hole myself.


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3 comments:

  1. You don't have to fill it by yourself. You just need to God to make it smaller.(or fill it with more yarn and fabric)

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  2. ^^^ Such an interesting take, that God will make it smaller. Your vulnerability and honesty are amazing. My heart breaks to hear this, and I pray with everything that that hole gets smaller for you. Thank you for sharing such a real piece of yourself.

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  3. I can totally relate. As a child I went to me for comfort. I went to my mind and my imagination. I typically went off alone to find comfort. This post is so much my story. So much my question....what fills the hole that is inside. Not the God hole, but the other holes, because there is more than one kind of a hole that a person can have inside of them. I am sorry that another box has opened up for you, exposing the hole. If you find the answer to filling that hole that is more than the usual cliche's and isms, let me know.

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