I wasn’t.
Deep house cleaning started after the official diagnosis. After the first telling of the horrible secrets. After the realization that I wasn’t going to get support from my family. After I came to terms with the fact that I was the victim, but I was going to have to save myself. After figuring out that I could trust my husband, but I still had to be my own person and do my own work.
It’s a long, arduous journey, full of ups and downs, major discoveries and minor setbacks. I’ve purged emotionally through reams of computer paper, journals and spiral notebooks. I’ve talked through hundreds of hours of therapy. I’ve cried buckets of tears, screamed a little (not as much as my therapist would like). I’ve lost and gained who knows how many pounds, and tossed out lots of old pictures and lots of old beliefs.
Deep cleaning is hard work. I’ve read about people who stress about getting rid of their children’s old school papers, and while I’m sure it is hard, I can’t help but think about getting rid of whole pieces of my childhood. But maybe I need to turn it around. Think about reclaiming pieces of my childhood that got lost in the awfulness. So maybe part of the cleaning is more archaeological -- the unearthing of portions of myself long since buried under the rubble of abuse.
I always wanted to be Indiana Jones.
It is easy to forget as we are cleaning our own houses out that, so many others suffer cruelly trying to put their own houses in order. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI love that ending. What an empowering statement! And yes. There are treasures to find, indeed. Once you blow a lot of rubble and debris away, as you have been doing, you will find it.
ReplyDeleteExcellent - Indiana Jones is the way to go, I think. It seems like stuffing things away just invites them to spring out at you...like the bogey man in the closet or under the bed. Better to turn it up to the light and see it for what it was then and what it is NOT now.
ReplyDeleteI adore the word "unearthing" - it's such a perfect choice.
ReplyDeleteYou're so spot on. That work- both trusting and then standing on our own two feet- are so very hard.
I'm so sorry for this part of your past, but am so very wow-ed with the you that you are today!
"Think about reclaiming pieces of my childhood that got lost in the awfulness."
ReplyDeleteTHAT is very insightful. And very powerful.
Good for you for taking the path of self-healing!
So sorry for the circumstances, but I'm sitting in awe of your bravery and courage! "But maybe I need to turn it around. Think about reclaiming pieces of my childhood that got lost in the awfulness." So beautifully said.
ReplyDeletePowerfully written! Taking back the power and your childhood is amazing! Sounds like you are well on your way!
ReplyDelete