“The cure for anything is salt water….sweat, tears or the sea.”
~ Isak Dinesen, pseudonym of Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke
Class is winding down. Savasana is in sight. A few final stretches and the best part of yoga class will begin. As I move into a long stretch, I notice that I am sweating. Sweat is good. It means I’m working my body. But somewhere just rising to the surface is another thought. Sweat means something bad is going to happen. Humiliation, pain, abuse.
I’m back at the farm. She is telling me I stink of sweat and fear. She wears me out, abuses me, and then ends with humiliation. As if sweating were the wrong thing somehow. She is the bringer of exertion, fear and abuse, but somehow I am the one who is wrong.
I catch myself and try to bring myself back to the present, and another memory comes. Years later, in my own home while my baby naps. He comes to the door and I let him in. Why do I let him in?
We’ve moved into savasana, but I am not relaxing. I am caught in the alternate reality of a flashback. I breathe -- cleansing breaths to push the memory out and away. I deliberately tell my muscles to relax. I remind myself that whatever it is, I’ve already survived. I will deal with it in due time.
The class is over. I sit up on my mat. People are filing out. Not me. I am stuck on my mat. The instructor comes to me.
“Are you sick?”
“No.”
“Are you okay?”
“No. Bad memories.”
She lays her cool hands on mine and prays words of peace. She holds me as the tears begin to fall; until I am present again.
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So sad, but very well written. Sometimes, even doing yoga(or especially? my mind is always too busy), it's hard to find that inner calm
ReplyDeleteYou are such a powerful writer! I can't help thinking that everything you do in your life (from the care you take in making your family's meals to your selection of tea in the morning to your passion for prayer beads to your choice of yoga) is a way for you to move forward in your life and away from your past. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThis grabs at me and gives a hard tug! Sometimes it's a fight to stay present.
ReplyDeleteI love the flashbacks between past and present. A unique take on the prompt. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI love pieces which go back to the past and then come back to the present. I enjoyed this piece how you have interwoven fragments of life together to make a strong character.
ReplyDeleteI love the flashbacks and it's true that yoga can sometimes bring up bad memories, maybe it's your mind trying to cleanse you of them. hugs.
ReplyDeleteJust like we sweat to purge our bodies and cool them, I think memories and tears can work the same way.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, Melanie.
I think there's something truly real here. I believe that it is the times when we are present and open that we are most vulnerable to past memories that can threaten to overwhelm us. They catch us off-guard in those moments. Thank-you for this beautiful piece!
ReplyDeleteVery well written, but so sad at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. very Well written- I love the flashbacks and the characters struggle to stay present.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post with me. I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDelete