Monday Musings

The last couple of weeks have been harder than usual (I wonder how many times I've started a post this way?). 
I had a flashback during yoga that brought some new, but not surprising information. Another attack that I pushed to the bottom of the pile. It's brought with it a lot of pain, tears, and consternation. I am tired of dealing with the abuse. I am tired of the inequity of it all. I am tired of self-doubt and self-recriminations. But so it goes.
For years I've talked and thought about boundaries. We all have to set them to protect ourselves. I struggle with how boundaries and Christianity go hand in hand. I look to find boundaries in Christ's life and work. He certainly walked away from some situations, but I am no Christ. It is much harder to trust my own judgment than to trust His. So I seek advice from trusted friends who are Christian, and I test what they tell me through prayer and deep consideration. I take comfort in the realization that they mostly tell me the same thing -- It is appropriate to protect myself from people who continually hurt me, even if it's not malicious; even if they say they love me. They can love me and still do and say really hurtful things. I have pointed this out to these people on many occasions but they seem incapable of making a change.
This weekend I made a change. I honestly told them that I need a break from them. It's just too hard trying to maintain the relationship while knowing they are maintaining a close relationship with one of the abusers. 
I did it by phone. I didn't cry or scream or threaten or throw accusations. I simply stated that I was having a really hard time with another flashback and knowing that they still welcome this person into their home was making it hard for me to talk with them.
I said I'd let them know when it changed -- that they could send emails if they needed to -- if something really important came up they could call my husband or daughter.
She said she loved me as we got off the phone. She never says that. 
I shook for 45 minutes after the call.
I made the call on Saturday, and today I am beginning to feel better. I catch myself wondering if they are all right, and then I remind myself that isn't my problem. They are adults with all the information they need. 
Today I will focus on what I really want this to mean. And I will pray, as always, for myself and all survivors to find that elusive peace in the constant struggle to understand.


Blessings.