Red Writing Hood -- Recurring Theme

I have a recurring theme in my life: things are difficult – I work through it – I feel really well – something else comes along to knock the props out from under me – and the whole theme begins again.

I’ve been working through a flashback that led to some relationship changes. It’s been an ongoing project since the first of the year. Wednesday I realized I was feeling better, you know more like my old self and capable. Thursday I told some friends things were definitely looking up.

Last night my daughter took a turn for the worse. She has bipolar II disorder. Currently she is in school and working a part time job AND trying to go down on her meds. She hit the wall last night.

The good news is that because I was in a better place myself, I was more equipped to help her this time around. The bad news is, well obviously, that she hit the wall just as I was getting to a better place.

There is a verse in the Bible about God not giving us more than we can handle. Really, God? You have so much more faith in me than I have in myself. I have plaque in my office/craft room with a quote from Mother Teresa

I know God 

won’t give me 

anything I can’t handle. 

I just wish He didn’t 

trust me so much. 

I know how she feels. I bought this plaque years ago when I was first diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. It has served me well over the years as a good reminder that I’m not the only one struggling – that most people’s lives are no bed of roses.

I found myself channeling my therapist and husband to my daughter last night. All those words of comfort and encouragement they’ve offered me over the years that at times sounded so inane, even as I clutched at them like a drowning woman. Sometimes I think it’s the holding on that is the hardest part of recovery. The believing that it WILL get better. That this life is really worth hanging onto.

I wrote earlier this week that I am a strong girl/woman. I believe this daughter of mine is as well. I just want her to believe it.

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