Monday, October 22, 2012

Day 22 of 31

Well, I missed Day 21. No excuses, but maybe a few explanations. It was Sunday and I don't normally post on Sundays. I wasn't feeling great. Ds was home (unexpectedly) from college. I had leftover errands from Saturday. The Tennessee Titans actually won their game (we're 3-4).

But that was yesterday. Today is Day 22 and I'm back in the saddle.
Memory pain. This may not be a term you are familiar with, but let me assure you it's real. According to the IASP, pain is defined as "'an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage'
This definition does not mention memory. It is clear, however, that the memory of pain often overshadows its primary experience in its impact upon pathophysiology and human suffering. Clinical interventions to blunt both the experience and persistence of pain or to lessen its memory are now applied worldwide." 

So I have memory pain. Pain that recurs in the places I was harmed as a child and an adult. The pain is real and sometimes staggering in its intensity. I deal with it using a combination of meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, and medication. I can go for weeks with constant pain, and other times I can go for weeks with no pain at all. It is not something I cause or make happen, but the best method for dealing with for me has been to face it head on -- recognizing that it is just one more form of the abuse I suffered. I don't want to hurt, but I do. Ignoring it doesn't work any better than trying to ignore the memories worked. 
So I write, and I breathe. I stretch and I rest. I say nice things to myself, and I acknowledge that this isn't my fault any more than it was my fault when the abuse actually took place.
But it's difficult. Pain is always difficult, but it's even worse when you have to explain that the pain is caused by a memory of pain and injury. Like the amputee who has pain in the foot that isn't there anymore. It sounds a little crazy. So I don't talk about it much, because I fear it adds fuel to the "crazy fire", and I'm terrified of being labelled that way.


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