Judgements and Opinions

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” – Natalie Goldberg

What do I fear? Judgement.

Not the biblical kind. I have faith in God to handle that one.

No, my fear is of the earthly kind. Other people's judgement of me. What they think of me. Assumptions they make about me based on partial information. 

I know some of this is the result of abuse. Of being told repeatedly how others would view me if the knew "the awful truth". And I know that the abusers were just covering their butts with those comments. Locking in my secrecy to protect their crimes.

But here's the problem, I took it and ran with it. Add to it I was brought up in a pretty conservative religious tradition that preached "judge not" but that went around judging right and left, so I learned a mixed message on that one. 

This is what I've come to understand about myself. I judge myself very harshly. I work very hard to not judge others, but my first reaction is usually intensely judgmental until I stop and think about it. Would I want to be judged that way? Of course not.

So here's the thing -- I'm afraid, even after everything I've shared openly about my history, of what you and everyone else in the world thinks about me and every decision I make. Two things come to mind on this point. Number 1 is a comment a friend made to me years ago that I come back to time and time again -- "Wow, I hope you don't judge others as harshly as you judge yourself". That stopped me in my tracks, because I knew it was "wrong" to judge others, and maybe I should cut myself the same slack that I was usually able to cut others.

Number 2 is that somewhat trite maxim that's floating around -- "It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me". I have mixed emotions on this one. I was raised to "remember who I am", meaning I am an ambassador for God and family. Any "bad" behavior on my part reflects back on them. But that's the guilt incentive. Don't make others look bad based on my actions. And that's a lot of responsibility to take on -- being held accountable for what other people think about different people based solely on my actions. So the aforementioned maxim may be true, but it's still a tough one for me to apply. 

I'd love to tell you every little detail of my life so that I can "prove" my value as a person. You'll respond well and see everything in the "right" light, and then I'll know that I'm a good person. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

I'm working on recognizing judging as a sin with which I really struggle. But I'm also working on letting go of what others may or may not think. Another's opinion of me doesn't define who I am, but I'm just now learning that lesson, and it's a hard one to accept.

Don't judge me, okay?