One of Those Days

Yesterday was one of those days. 

It was preceded by a bad night's sleep caused by a late night email, that I should have known better than to read.

Restless sleep followed by a screaming dog (mine) who got me out of bed considerably earlier than necessary.

And that email still sitting there. Staring at me. Waiting for a response.

The worst part of it was I knew the sender had no idea what he'd done.

So I responded briefly, but with careful thought.

I passed on the necessary information to my adult children when they got up. This led to a lengthy discussion with my son that turned to venting some of his anger about the situation. 

All of this preceded my weekly appointment for counseling. 

In my counselor's office I felt myself being pulled backwards into a scenario I am all too familiar with and that I thought I had escaped. We talked about the email and what had led up to it. We talked about my options. We talked about why it hurt so much. 

But the thing that kept going through my head was this -- I just want everyone to be happy, and have no one angry with me. And I simply don't know how to make that happen.

Abuse survivor 101. (If I can just keep everyone happy, I'll be safe and won't get the crap beat out of me.)

I said I hated the people doing this to me, and felt immediately guilty for saying it. I don't hate them because I don't hate anyone, but I am angry with them. And I'm still afraid I'll do the wrong thing in someone's eyes -- because I need a right or a wrong. I function better in a world of absolutes. It's the way I was raised.

I left the office feeling some better. I ran my errands, got some lunch, talked to my husband on the phone and tried to explain my anxiety, but it's hard for him to grasp. He doesn't have my history -- my conditioning.

I ran a couple more errands after lunch. I was feeling some better. Really tired, but less anxious. I got home and there was another issue to address. Family members to be calmed and organized. Reminders that I'm willing to help, but I can't be in two places at once. A new task to take on, and all I really want is a cold drink and a long soak in the tub.

I went and helped my husband with an errand. The whole time we were driving I was breathing and praying that the headache and upset stomach wouldn't turn into a migraine. 

We got things taken care of and I learned how to drive my husband's car with the trailer attached. New skill!

We ate a late dinner and agreed to not do the local 5k this morning (I walk, never run) since I was exhausted and heavy rain was predicted. We chatted. My daughter and I laughed at silly things on Pinterest, and my husband and son moved in furniture from my FIL's house. 

I went to bed. And slept in the same position until my husband got up this morning. No waking up and debating with myself for hours in the night. No nightmares of abuse or angry people. (Some annoyance with my neighbors for setting off fireworks last night instead of tonight!) A good solid night's sleep.

emily wants redemption on Thursday. I'm not always sure what that means, but for me last night's rest was redemption. A day that could have run its course filled with anxiety and doubt. A day that started out badly and kept getting worse, was redeemed through an expected path that ended in laughter and good rest.

Amen and amen.

linking up with imperfect prose