Because I am bound
to You in love,
therefore will You
deliver me;
You will protect me, because I know
your Name.
I shall call on
You, and You will answer me;
You are with me in trouble;
You will rescue me and bring me to
honor.
With long life will
You satisfy me,
and show me Your salvation.
Ps. 91:14-16
(pronouns changed)
Lucy knew God’s name. From an early age she had learned about God
and His love through Sunday school, hymns, and Bible readings. She was
surrounded by people who professed a love for God. And so in those awful and
terrible times, He was there to deliver and protect her.
His protection was
not what many would have expected, but God is not a magician. He was with her
through all the torment, and when it became too much for her mind to bear, He
provided her with deliverance and protection in the form of dissociation and
repression. When she could no longer bear the things that the Gene-monster was
doing to her in the study, God led her from the room, leaving only her body –
her shell – behind. He led her to the backyard and the cool grass where they sat
together in peace and comfort. He allowed her to feel the breeze on her face;
to feel the cool grass beneath her legs, and to hear the little dog barking in
the yard next door. She watched the clouds in the sky, feeling peace and
comfort, with all the fear removed. And when she felt drawn back to the
darkness, He shone a light around her to fight off the darkness.
When the horror was
over and done with her, He kept her mind protected while she was bathed and
dressed for bed. And He gave her sleep, and the ability to forget and leave it
all behind.
And when it
happened again with the Gene-monster and with the Janet-monster, He was there
to deliver and protect her -- to take her away from the terror and pain, and
lead her to a place of peace, safety, and comfort. Over and over again He
rescued her and provided her with comfort. He was there with her in all of the
trouble, never leaving her side.
When the time came
for her to retrieve the memories, He was with her still. Providing a shield of
people to guide her through the treacherous memories. He reminded her that she
knew His name, had always known His name, and this had brought His protection.
She called on His name, and He answered her with the gift of a loving husband,
compassionate counselors, and enduring friends. And in telling her story and
sharing what had once been kept a secret, shameful memory, she has gained
honor. God has brought me to honor. The time frame was very different than I
would have envisioned, but it was in God’s time, which is always perfect in a
way we cannot understand. He continues to satisfy me with a long life, and will
show me His salvation as He has promised.
(Lucy is the name I
use for myself as a child, as I am still unable to talk about the abuse in 1st
person most of the time)
with thanks to Gail Pitts at Dovehouse Ministries
linking up with imperfect prose
I think how you are telling your story is incredibly brave. I have a friend who is processing her abuse and her currently question is "Where was God?" This brilliantly illustrates this -- I had never thought of the disassociation as a gift. Thank you for sharing. YOu are making a difference for someone else.
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