Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 of 31

So Ann is writing about crazy joy. Her post today gave me a lot to think about.
I consider myself to be a joyful person. In general I try to see the good, find the humor, and enjoy the little things. But sometimes (often lately) all of that is made more difficult by the memories of abuse I carry with me.

I've had people say more than once, "It was a long time ago. You need to let it go", as if I am deliberately holding on to the pain. I have worked hard to understand what happened and not focus on the why, but accept that it wasn't my fault, and it shouldn't have happened.

But it's hard to connect. I stand in the foyer after services at church and I try to reach out and speak, but so many people rush by. I am alone although surrounded by good, caring people. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a counselor tell me once, it would be easier for others if I had cancer. People know what to do with cancer, they don't know what to do with abuse. I'm glad I don't have cancer. 

So this is the real me. I am joyful at the sight of twin baby girls next to me during worship, but crying in pain as a little girl stands at the front and sings out purely, "Yes Jesus loves me".

We are all pain and joy. It's the blending that is so difficult.

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

6 comments:

  1. wonderfully honest, heartbreaking words, Melanie. thank you for sharing....

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  2. Thank you for sharing, Melanie!!! I have a similar past as an adult victim of childhood sexual abuse. As your counselor has said it is an uncomfortable problem, not only for you with reaching out and trusting others, but for them to know how to talk to you about it and help you. It sounds like you are working through your hurt and feelings to heal. I'm sure like me, you are so thankful that we are so wonderfully, completely and purely loved by our Savior! I personally go through cycles of being in and out of community. At this point I am trusting Him to lead me in my current situation towards a fuller sense of community wherever I need to be. I have found that reaching out to others who have experienced what you and I have gives me an opportunity to use what is hurtful and painful in my past for His glory. If you are interested, I have done some personal work on healing through the book, workbook & audio of "The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Chilldhood Sexual Abuse" by Dan B. Allender. This kind of healing is best done either with a counselor or in a small group setting. If you are no longer seeing a counselor and would like to go through this material through video chat with me (I'm in need of a refresher study of this) please email me at: kathleentankersley@gmail.com. Love and prayers for you & me, your sister in Christ, Kathy

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    1. "I personally go through cycles of being in and out of community."
      This is so true for me as well! Thank you for putting it into words. I still regularly see a counselor and we are continuing to work through episodes. I read one book by Allender and did not find it helpful at the time. I will look into this one though. I will send you an email later, as I would like very much to connect with you.

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  3. Hi Melanie,
    While I have not experienced what you have I so appreciate your honesty and the way you articulate your feelings in this post. My journey has included the too early departure of my eight week old baby girl from this world. I can really identify with this:

    "But it's hard to connect. I stand in the foyer after services at church and I try to reach out and speak, but so many people rush by. I am alone although surrounded by good, caring people. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

    People don't know what to do with a mom whose baby has died either.

    I too am confounded about how I can experience joy and pain in the same moment, though for me the sight of the baby girls at church bring me to tears!

    I pray that God will continue to direct you on your journey of healing. Thank you for being honest and sharing your story here.

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    1. oh. my heart just breaks for you! life is not for the faint of heart, cliched by true. i pray blessings of peace and comfort for you and yours. i am so glad my words rang true for you.
      blessings!

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