Day 2 of 31

So Ann is writing about crazy joy. Her post today gave me a lot to think about.

I consider myself to be a joyful person. In general I try to see the good, find the humor, and enjoy the little things. But sometimes (often lately) all of that is made more difficult by the memories of abuse I carry with me.

I've had people say more than once, "It was a long time ago. You need to let it go", as if I am deliberately holding on to the pain. I have worked hard to understand what happened and not focus on the why, but accept that it wasn't my fault, and it shouldn't have happened.

But it's hard to connect. I stand in the foyer after services at church and I try to reach out and speak, but so many people rush by. I am alone although surrounded by good, caring people. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a counselor tell me once, it would be easier for others if I had cancer. People know what to do with cancer, they don't know what to do with abuse. I'm glad I don't have cancer. 

So this is the real me. I am joyful at the sight of twin baby girls next to me during worship, but crying in pain as a little girl stands at the front and sings out purely, "Yes Jesus loves me".

We are all pain and joy. It's the blending that is so difficult.

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

Day of Gratitude

It's Thankful Thursday. As is often the case, I am glad for this opportunity to focus on gratitude. Yesterday was a rough day with pain and memories, and this morning has brought pain again. So it's a good time to focus on the good things in my life and remind myself that the abuse is in the past.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Pain medication that works.

2. My husband's sense of humor, and his safe travels yesterday through torrential rain.

3. Rain that we needed very badly. Wishing peace to those who got too much rain though.

4. Plans to see some friends in a play this weekend. It's always nice to go out to a show, but it doubles the fun when friends are on the stage!

5. While I am not grateful for the pain I am currently dealing with, I am grateful to be finally addressing and working through the abuse that causes the recurring pain. It is a hard path at times, but well worth it for the positive changes I have seen in my life.

Here's a picture of my "dream" garden:

Visit Women Taking a Stand for more lists of gratitude. I hope your day is filled with gratitude and love.