Lessons Learned

Anger is neither right nor wrong. This is a new concept for me. Anger is an appropriate response to feeling disrespected. It is a protection device to help us keep safe. The moral, ethical portion of the dilemma comes from what I do with my anger. If I respectfully state my feelings, that is appropriate. If I threaten to harm someone, that is inappropriate. 


As a survivor of abuse, anger is a confusing issue to me. My experiences taught me that people switch from pleasant, happy, fun individuals to angry, violent, demeaning abusers in the blink of an eye. Anger was bad, because it always led to bad things. Logically, if I felt anger, that made me bad. It made me like the abusers.


I learned early on to make excuses for anyone's bad behavior. I soon learned to perceive any anger I felt as more evidence of my basic "badness". I was selfish, self-centered, ego-maniacal, dramatic, overly sensitive and an attention seeker. I don't know how often I was actually told these things (some I clearly remember -- from teachers and parents, not just abusers), but I heard it enough in my head to believe it.


I've recently had some encounters that lead me to believe that my perceptions may not be accurate. Those messages we consciously and unconsciously tell ourselves are the hardest ones to reprogram. Like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe".