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I had goals for years. I didn't know it, because that's not what I called them. I called them dreams, aspirations, expectations. But they were goals.
The perfect marriage. Perfect husband. Perfect (talented, beautiful, smart) kids. An immaculate, perfectly decorated home. And me. Perfectly dressed, coiffed, and happy -- all the time.
You see the flaw already, don't you? It's ridiculously obvious.
I was a smart girl, but I still bought into the advertising. Anyone who didn't have it all together had no one to blame but themselves.
Look at that commercial. That tiny woman is eating a candy bar. Implying that she eats one everyday. That woman just had a baby last week, and she's back to her pre-baby weight, clothes, life, energy -- as if the pregnancy never happened at all. Those people eating at the local fast food joint are happy, healthy, and well-dressed. All those kids are happy, obedient, and love going to school while making straight As and being at the top of their chosen sport.
This is not real life!
Real life is a process, not a constant. Real life is messy. It's a continuum.
So somewhere along the way I readjusted my concept of goals. Goals are things that I have control over. Goals are about me. My goals are no longer based on how other people behave. My goals are mine. Separate and apart from someone else's. That doesn't make them better or worse. That makes them mine.
New goals --
1. Be productive, whatever that means to me on any given day.
2. Be kind -- always.
3. Take care of me so I can take care of others.
4. Have fun EVERY SINGLE DAY.
5. Love.
These goals are attainable, maybe not everyday, but most days. And that's good enough for me.
linking up with Writer's Workshop
Anger is neither right nor wrong. This is a new concept for me. Anger is an appropriate response to feeling disrespected. It is a protection device to help us keep safe. The moral, ethical portion of the dilemma comes from what I do with my anger. If I respectfully state my feelings, that is appropriate. If I threaten to harm someone, that is inappropriate.
As a survivor of abuse, anger is a confusing issue to me. My experiences taught me that people switch from pleasant, happy, fun individuals to angry, violent, demeaning abusers in the blink of an eye. Anger was bad, because it always led to bad things. Logically, if I felt anger, that made me bad. It made me like the abusers.
I learned early on to make excuses for anyone's bad behavior. I soon learned to perceive any anger I felt as more evidence of my basic "badness". I was selfish, self-centered, ego-maniacal, dramatic, overly sensitive and an attention seeker. I don't know how often I was actually told these things (some I clearly remember -- from teachers and parents, not just abusers), but I heard it enough in my head to believe it.
I've recently had some encounters that lead me to believe that my perceptions may not be accurate. Those messages we consciously and unconsciously tell ourselves are the hardest ones to reprogram. Like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe".
