Love and Redemption

Choose to be happy. That's what the article on my refrigerator says. It's a list of 9 Habits of Super Positive People. I've posted it to help me remember to take the high road -- the positive approach to life. I read it this morning, along with a prayer, and the Four Agreements that also hang on my refrigerator. Later I'll do my reading and prayer from Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals. All of this in an effort to keep my spirits from flagging.

Don't misunderstand. I believe these are all good things. I believe that choosing to be happy and approach life with a positive attitude are good things. 

But . . . but, if all I have to do is choose to be happy the logical conclusion is if I'm not happy, then it's my fault. Another failure to add to the list that impedes my happiness.

See there is a certain amount of circular reasoning that happens with these kind of issues, and I don't think it's just me (but I could be wrong). 

The problem for me is how to look at the good and positive that I accomplish and am (because I am a child of God) and not have it all negated by what I don't accomplish and what I am not. 

In my heart I am a black and white, right and wrong kind of person, and yes, that's probably to a large degree the result of the abuse I experienced. Accepting the love of God is hard for me, because I'm still caught up in being 5 years old and believing if I just get it right this time, I won't be abused again. So here I am at 51 deep down believing that if I just get it right (the house is clean, the laundry is done, the meals are cooked, I've exercised, I'm thin enough but not too thin, and I've attended every worship service available) then everything will be okay. 

So I'm still in need of redemption. That's not really news. But it's not because it hasn't been provided. It's because I keep letting go of it, thinking I have to do it all on my own.

And then I see this -- "When heaven is really your motherland, then prayer is really your mother tongue, and you can’t help but yearn to speak in the language of your Father now . . ."  and I stop and breathe. I realize that I'm not alone. Yes God is with me, but so are all these others. Women and men who are struggling right along beside me. And the real issue is that I'm not made for this world. And that's why it's so hard.

So I re-read Micah 6:8 -- 

And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

    and to walk humbly with your God.

and I breathe in the love and redemption of my Father.

linking up with imperfect prose on thursdays