My father-in-law died a week and a half ago. My husband and I had discussed whether or not to invite my parents to the funeral. We both agreed it seemed petty to delete them.
We've been in touch via email for the past few months. I had to take a break from my relationship with them to focus on my own healing. You'd think they would be instrumental in helping me heal from childhood sexual abuse (as they were not the abusers), but they haven't been. They've dragged me down. Infused me with guilt. Defended at least one abuser while maintaining a relationship with him.
They say one set of things, but their actions tell a different story.
I had wondered how we might reconnect. I thought there would need to be a cathartic movie scene. Crying, yelling, apologies, brilliant insight -- all set to swelling music with the scene ending in a warm embrace.
It wasn't like that at all. I was pleased to see them at the visitation. Grateful that my mother had arranged to bring food for those of us there. Deeply thankful when she led my daughter away to regroup and get some food.
I sat and chatted with my dad. Nothing of importance. I felt myself beginning to slip into the old persona, but I stopped myself.
After the funeral, they were complimentary of the music choices, my husband's comments, and a reading I had done. (They are professional mourners, as a friend of mine says, so they tend to critique funerals.)
I took a moment to tell them that I appreciated their giving me time to heal. They assured me they only wanted to do what I needed. I believe they mean that. There are just aspects of the situation that they are unwilling or unable to follow to the logical conclusion.
The next day I got an email from them --
We thought everything last night was appropriate and well done. Both you and Alan did your parts extremely well. We were proud of both of you. We hope all goes just as well today.
Here is our itinerary for the trip. We will be home on Saturday, May --, about 7:00 or 7:30, if the plane is on time.
Thank you for your wonderful response to us.
I hope so.
linking up with Just Write
For the first time ever I have "heard" someone speak about this part of the struggle to heal. My relationship with my mom is so tangled and difficult that I have never been able to explain the distance I maintain to anyone. Thank you for sharing this. I am praying for you, for each of us today.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment. I was hesitant to post this, but it is so vital to what goes on in the healing process. So far I've not talked with ANYONE whose family has been able to fully support them. Perhaps that is just the way of these things. I believe an inherent trust and closeness is lost once an individual is abused, and it takes mountains of work on both sides of relationships to re-establish true community. Some are simply not up to the task. Blessings and prayers for you as well.
DeleteI do know one family that is doing a fantastic job of supporting their daughter in the healing process. That helps me in my own journey.
DeleteVisiting today from Just Write -- and your vulnerability and honesty is beautiful here. Boundaries are hard to set and sometimes harder to maintain. Cheering you on, friend, in keeping things healthy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you reach peace with your pain. You made the right choice with your parents. IMHO, you have to accept limitations with people. I would feel betrayed by the defense of the perpetrator. There are no easy answers.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad things are developing as well as they are, thank you for sharing this powerful glimpse of your life
ReplyDelete