This is the momma I wanted to be. This is the momma I wasn't
Everyone is happy. Everyone looks cute
What you can't see behind the ferry railing, is the abject panic I felt most of the time
The terror that I would fail; do something wrong; let these little people down; let that husband of mine down
And yet, I look at that picture, and maybe, just maybe it wasn't all as bad as I think it was
We were a family of 4 on a vacation
Maybe we look like we're having fun, because we were
Maybe everyone is assailed by those fears, at least sometimes
What I know is this:
I did fail
I did things wrong
I let those little people down
I let my husband down
BUT. . .
We are still a family of four
We still go on vacation
We still have fun
And sometimes, we are still afraid
Because bad things happen and leave us struggling to understand, and questioning where to go next
And as long as we keep moving forward
I can be the momma I want to be.
and then just a few days later, I wrote this post:
it shocks me with its intensity, this anxiety.
how can they both exist simultaneously? how can i be exhausted and innervated at one time?
"you are strong, courageous, brave, and spiritual. you are suffering."
can one person be all those things at one time?
he says, "pray without ceasing. just keep praying."
she says, "breathe. keep doing the relaxation breathing."
how do i accomplish the myriad of other responsibilities when expending all this energy just remembering to breathe?
abuse is incessant. it never really ceases. it simply changes format.
and I wonder how it can flip-flop so quickly. how can I go from seeing to being blind in the blink of an eye.
then I am reminded -- life is a journey. healing is a process. there are no rights and wrongs to feelings. I am excavating. it is hard, dirty work, with lots of dust and dirt and rubble to be moved away. oh, but the discoveries! they are like nuggets of gold and caches of rubies. and they are mine.
Dear Melanie,
ReplyDeletethere is a beautiful truth in your post: we can be a combination of feelings and experiences across a wide spectrum, and excavating is very hard work...praying that God will continue to comfort and sustain you as you mine for gold...nice to meet you...linked up behind you at Emily's...blessings :)
You are indeed on a treasure hunt. God is redeeming the failures and hurts in beautiful ways, Melanie. I'm on a treasure hunt too. Even though I get messy sometimes, God is always there to clean me up!
ReplyDeleteit is hard as you excavate and dig through our lives, esp if it includes abuse...i am going through this right now with a boy i counsel...today is not a good day for him...but i keep pouring truth into him because it does not define who he is...
ReplyDeleteoh my friend. there is such headway in this post... such discovery about yourself, such victory in the realizing that these discoveries, this excavating, is yours for the keeping. and you are teaching all of us in the process, helping us understand and become aware. thank you. for being you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's beautiful that you can see the truth in those years. The bad does not cancel the good. It's important for all of us to remember as we hold unrealistic expectation close to our hearts sometimes. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete