Alone

She was 6 or 7. It is early summer and she's back at the farm with her sister. She is standing in the middle of the dining room/sitting room. All the lights are off, and the only light is the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees and in the windows. The house is totally silent. She is alone. 


Earlier that day, they had all gone to the little country church down by the creek. Afterwards they had come home for a traditional country Sunday lunch. Something happened over the dinner table. People began to yell and scream. The aunt and uncle first, she thinks. Then the cousin is yelling. Even the sister seems to be involved, although to a lesser degree. The little girl has no idea what the yelling is about, but somehow she is in trouble. Threats are made. "You can just stay home by yourself. We'll all go to the singing and leave you here. That will teach you." Teach her what?


Sometime later, after the dishes are washed and naps are over, she finds herself alone in the house. She stands perfectly still, as if rooted to the spot. They really did it. They left her all alone in the house, and went to the singing without her. What is she supposed to do? What is okay to do? How long will they be gone? If she moves will something bad happen? If she stays right here will they humiliate her when they come back?


In this house, it is never clear what the rules are. Some rules are fixed. "Do not get on the bed once it is made every morning." That one she is clear on, but others seem fluid. One day it is okay to do something, the next day it will get you in trouble and pain. Mistakes and accidents are viewed as malicious attempts to torment the aunt. Punishment is swift and severe. The cousin is even worse. Her mood turns on a dime. One minute she is happy and funny, and the next she is hateful and abusive. 


The little girl stands as the panic seeps into her body. Something terrible is going to happen. She just doesn't know when, who or what. It will be bad and painful and she should have seen it coming and somehow avoided it.


They are singing all her favorite hymns at the afternoon church singing. The little girl loves to sing more than anything else in the world. But she isn't there. She doesn't get to sing. She is alone and begins to cry.