Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . September 30, 2014

Outside my window . . . another beautiful autumn day! 

I am thinking . . . about dh and his fellow travelers in Malaysia. It is so odd to realize that he will be going to bed soon, just as I am getting started on the day.

I am thankful . . . for dh's safe travels and for better sleep for me the last 2 nights.

In the kitchen . . . I went to the grocery store yesterday, so I'll be able to cook tonight. Grilled chicken, asparagus, and polenta.

I am wearing . . . a favorite nightgown.

I am creating . . . cowls and infinity scarves for Presents with a Purpose.

I am going . . . to sit down and schedule the rest of the week, because I'm having trouble getting everything done I agreed/planned to do.

I am wondering . . . about this weekend. I have 4 university women coming to stay to help with a program through International Justice Mission. That will be 6 of us in the house (5 women), and only one working shower!

I am reading . . . well, nothing just yet. I finished Breakfast with Buddha and HIGHLY recommend it. Not sure what to pick up yet. Too many choices!

I am looking forward to . . . several activities this week, and of course dh's return.

I am hearing . . . the quiet of morning.

Around the house . . . things are shaping up well. My SIL came over Saturday and helped me with some deep cleaning. She is a cleaning machine! 

I am praying . . . for a friend's loss, dh's safety, a family going through the 1st anniversary of the death of a child.

One of my favorite things . . . is feeling at ease in my own body. I had a massage yesterday that helped me reclaim that feeling.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . the usual things plus a ladies' meeting Thursday night and a program on Saturday, Handmade and Bound -- "a celebration of print, paper and book"

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 
dh working with students in Malaysia

linking up with The Simple Woman

Monday, September 29, 2014

Plenty Left to Learn

I remember him answering my question. We had been discussing some warped perception I had about myself as a result of the abuse. I was embarrassed by the obviousness of his answer. How could I have not known that? Seen that? Was I just stupid that I had to be told something that made so much sense?

I saw this quote recently and it all came rushing back to me. The relief I had having someone understand, explain, and not belittle me. Except for myself -- I always did the belittling more than well enough.

I asked him if I were just stupid for not having known the answer. Was he appalled by my lack of knowledge? He looked at me quizzically and answered my question with a question. Did I remember being in school as a small child? Did I remember learning basic skills, like addition and subtraction? Did I believe I was stupid for not having known those things before having them taught to me?

Posed that way, clearly the answer was no. I had been uninformed. Ignorant in the truest sense of the word. I had needed someone to teach me, guide me. This was no different, he said. You cannot know until you have been taught. That's how we learn and grow. Taking in new information to help us move forward and grow into the people we want to be -- need to be. No one comes fully informed. 

I can still feel the fear of disdain, and the relief that he didn't think me stupid or foolish.

I read that quote, and I realize it sums up what was happening that day in his office. The beginning of this journey of learning about my past and putting it into perspective -- of unlearning the terrible lessons taught to me by the abusers. I have been and continue to be "intelligent enough to know there is plenty left to learn". 


Friday, September 26, 2014

:: because

I write about my experiences with abuse because I have to do it.

I'd like to be able to say it's altruistic. I write to help others, but that's not the primary reason. I write because it helps me get it out and keep it in perspective.

If I don't write (or talk) I fall back down that rabbit hole that leads to abuse driven crazy thinking. Because that's what abuse does to you. It makes you lose sight of reality. I lived in an alternate universe for a long time. Sometimes I forget about that reality issue, until I say something that makes sense in the other universe to someone who's never lived there. Then I get the deer in the headlights look from them, and I realize it isn't real. That interpretation is another "because" of the abuse.

So I write because it helps me. And in helping me I can only hope I'm helping someone else.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Enough Is Enough

This is my Facebook profile picture right now. I need to see it ALL THE TIME. 

For years I thought I was the only one who struggled with this concept -- Have I done enough today?

Enough for what? 

To rest? To say I'm done? To have the right to exist?

What I'm finding out is that nobody gets to choose "enough" except me. I'm the one who says if my day or hour or minute is enough. 

I'm also finding out I'm not alone. I must not be alone because these kind of things keep showing up all over the internet

And this article  from the Washington Post that I desperately wish I could have read 15 years ago.

I am enough because I am me. Made in God's image. Loved and adopted by Him to live this life. 

Yes I want to make good use of my time here, but good use by His standards, not some outrageous, unattainable perception provided by the media.

So whatever I accomplish today -- whether it's writing or cleaning or cooking or dreaming -- it will be enough. Because I say so.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . September 23, 2014

Outside my window . . . blue skies and bright sunshine with a cool 50 degrees :)

I am thinking . . . about yet another plan for organizing my time! I worked on setting up a new routine over the weekend. I need routine, but I fight it for some reason.

I am thankful . . . for a fun day on Saturday with Besties 1 and 2. It is pure rejuvenation hanging out with them.

In the kitchen . . . an impromptu round of grilled burgers last night. I had no idea what I was doing for dinner until dear son came in and asked for burgers. We all the makings so I fired up the grill.

I am wearing . . . my favorite homemade gown and one of my (many) crocheted shawls.

I am creating . . . assorted projects for Presents with a Purpose. Still working on scarves, but thinking about doing some boot cuffs as well.

I am going . . . to therapy and then home to carry on with organizing and cleaning.

I am wondering . . . about how I'm going to do with dh out of the country for 10 days. He is going to Malaysia on a school related workshop.

I am reading . . . Breakfast with Buddha by Roland Merullo. 

I am looking forward to . . . several things I have planned for next week to keep me occupied while dh is away.

I am hearing . . . quiet.

Around the house . . . autumn decor is making a return, and I'm still reorganizing. 

I am praying . . . for safe travels for dh. They will be flying Malaysia Air for part of the trip, and while I know it's highly unlikely anything will go wrong, it is still a bit unsettling after Malaysia Air lost 2 planes so recently.

One of my favorite things . . . is finding ways to help others and get plugged in with other people. I'm putting out some real effort to make this happen right now.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . yoga classes, Bible class, LBB is coming for awhile on Thursday. Alan leaves on Friday. Coffee with a friend. A concert on Saturday night with BFF #2, and then church on Sunday where I'll be working at the welcome center.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 
a recent yard sale acquisition

linking up with The Simple Woman

Friday, September 19, 2014

Reading List

List the the top 6 books on your list to read next --

1. True Detective by Max Allan Collins

"In the mob-choked Chicago of 1932, private detective Nathan Heller may be willing to risk his life to earn a Depression dollar, but he never sacrifices his slicing wit." I've been a fan of Collins' work for years. Just got the first Nathan Heller book on my Kindle.

2. The Orthodox Heretic by Peter Rollins

I recently met Rollins and heard him speak. Fascinating speaker. I'm looking forward to reading his works.

3. bird by bird by Anne Lamott

Love me some Anne Lamott! If I'm really going to attempt writing for real, then this is a must read.

4. Spiritual Disciplines Handbook by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun
I'm always on the lookout for ways to improve my spiritual walk. This book was recommended to me earlier in the summer. I hope to get around to it soon!

5. The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson

While I'm familiar with the killing spree of Dr. H. H. Holmes, I'm not as familiar with 1893 World's Fair held in Chicago. I'm always up for a murder and mayhem when it's mixed with history, so this one's on my list.

6. Getting the Pretty Back by Molly Ringwald
Okay, there is no excuse for this being on my to read list, except that I bought it on a whim. I am too old to have been part of "Molly Ringwald" moviedom, but I read ONE review that said it was good and bought it. Besides after I read the others on this list, I gonna need some fluff!

So there you go, the next 6 books on my reading list. (Yeah, likes this is ever gonna happen!)

linking up with Writer's Workshop