the first time I did it, I worried about what people would think/say.
I worried they would ask what it meant.
I worried they wouldn't ask what it meant.
I worried about what I would say.
I worried about what I wouldn't say.
each year that I have worn the blue ribbon it has become a little easier to set aside the worrying -- to expect nothing -- to be happy with a good conversation -- to set aside the discomfort of others.
it hasn't gotten any easier to have them look away though.
yesterday as I was having blood drawn at the doctor's office, the technician said, "what's your pin for?"
"april is child abuse awareness month. I am a survivor."
"oh", startled, she looked away, and I felt it again. the guilt and shame.
what did she think of me now?
should I have kept my mouth shut?
not worn my blue ribbon?
there was no more conversation and little eye contact. she drew my blood, while I dealt with the pain of the needle in my arm and the accusation in her looking away. I was damaged goods all over again. I was at fault. I was less than.
I read a post this week about seeing people.
all I want is to be seen for who I am. a grown woman who is still 5 years old inside, wishing someone would intercede for me. wishing I didn't feel guilty and ashamed for others' actions.
but every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt.
pin that proudly, friend. keep your held high. you are not a daughter of shame and guilt. you are the daughter of the most high. the sister of us all. we will stand beside you, i will look you in the eye, i will stare down your past with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this line:
DeleteI will stare down your past with you.
Few have been willing to do that.
I think you're very brave. The bravest. I'm praying that none of your hurt will be wasted and that you'll really feel the victory in your surviving to tell your story.
ReplyDeleteI never feel brave, but I do like this line --
DeleteCourage is fear that has said its prayers.
Thank you.
good on you for wearing the ribbon..and for being willing to share your story as well...know that it is touching lives beyond yours...
ReplyDeleteThat is what keeps me going. And comments from people like you!
DeleteThis was convicting for me because I struggle with social anxiety or SOMETHING and I seriously can't move for fear of saying the wrong thing. It's easier for me to write it...so I'm glad I can say to you (without much anxiety) that I am glad you wear a ribbon and I'm glad you are sharing your story and bringing darkness to light. You are strong and brave.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most helpful things my therapist ever said to me was, "Something else bad will happen. It's the nature of life, but hopefully it won't be as bad as the other things."
DeleteThere is a freedom for me in accepting that I will make mistakes, and more bad will come. It makes me realize I am not in charge -- and that is ok.
Thank you for your comments and friendship -- they mean the world to me.
this made me weep. oh friend. how i ache for that five year old girl. i see you. i really do. and i love what i see. xo
ReplyDeleteAll of you really do seem to see me. I hope I am not misrepresenting myself here. I believe I write what is true and how I truly feel. And I am so grateful for the support I have found here.
Deletei think our happy veneers don't know quite how to react to rawness and pain and hard truth. we look away because we don't know how to do otherwise, to look and sit and be, without answers or fixes. but it's not because we don't care--or because you are anything less than strong and real and healing and beautiful.
ReplyDeletekeep bearing witness. it lights a dark way.
Thank you for this. I believe you are right. People tend to react from experience. I must constantly remind myself that another's reaction is not (necessarily) about me. Thank you seeing this and saying it.
Delete