Numerous : Write 28 Days

Somehow we're back to numbers today. As you may recall from Day 5, I was not a fan of this term. But I've decided to try and see a more positive side of this variation of the term. 

So numerous is defined as great in number; many. Not the most creative definition, but there you are. What shall I tell you about today that numerously applies to in my life? There were numerous abusers in the past. There were numerous attempts at therapy to get to the root of several issues. There have been numerous years, journals, sessions, talks, and crying jags on this journey to better health. All of this is true, but I'd rather talk about other numerous-es.

I have numerous collections. I collect stuffed animals, fairies, hedgehogs, teapots, vintage linens, pitchers, bowls, and books.

I like numerous forms of crafting. I crochet, bake, sew, bead, make Smash Books, and coloring (I would like it noted that I took up coloring LOOONNNGGG before it was trendy!)

I have numerous other hobbies that include but are not limited to, reading, writing, watching movies, watching streaming shows, listening to podcasts, getting lost on the internet via rabbit trails of curiosity, yoga, biking, cooking, listening to music, and singing.

Suddenly numbers/numerous aren't looking so bad to me. It's fascinating to take the time to see a list of just some of the things I love about my life. And so once again, Write 28 Days is helping me to appreciate myself in numerous ways! (See what I did there? LOL!)

Sparrow : Write 28 Days

This small bird usually symbolizes joy and protection, but it can also be a symbol of simplicity and community. Teamwork and hard work are what make the sparrows productive.

I've always love sparrows, and now knowing this about them I understand why!

Sparrows find it easy to adjust to living around humans. They eat moths and small insects, but they can also eat berries and seeds, so living in close contact with people is easy for them. There is an easy supply of food and sparrows quickly assimilate to feeders. 

I like the idea that sparrows symbolize joy, protection, simplicity, and community. These are all things that are important to me, and it's impossible to think of sparrows without remembering the scriptures - 

Psalm 84:3
Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God.

Proverbs 26:2
Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest.

Hosea 11:11
They will come from Egypt, trembling like sparrows, from Assyria, fluttering like doves. I will settle them in their homes,” declares the Lord.

Matthew 10:29
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.

Matthew 10:31
So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Luke 12:6
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Luke 12:7
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Sparrows feel like a gift from God to remind me of all kinds of wonderful things. 

When I first saw this prompt, I was confused by it. How did sparrow fit into this challenge? Now I think it's my favorite prompt so far.

His Eye Is on the Sparrow

Eclipse6

Endure : Write 28 Days

By now you all know that I like definitions, so my starting point was to look up the word endure. The initial result did NOT please me. Let me start by saying in my head endure is a positive word. In truth, words are neither good nor bad, but we all have feelings about words (or is that just me?). 

The first definition I found was from The Oxford, which is my go-to source, and I was really disappointed. The Oxford went with "suffer; remain in existence; last". Suffer? Really? Just not where I would have started. But, a little more research offered some better options -  to hold out against; sustain without impairment or yielding; undergo. Somehow this seems more upbeat to me.

Perhaps all this definition anxiety comes from my history. I endured a lot as a kid. But I feel as if I did more than just suffer, remain in existence, and last. I really like to hold out against. I did suffer, but that was only part of the endurance. I definitely held out against the abuse when it was happening, and I have fought tooth and nail to overcome and live a good life. I am succeeding. 

While I'm not glad to have been abused, I believe that early experience of enduring something awful has helped me for the rest of my life. Let's be clear - NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE ABUSE. I am a big believer in looking for the silver lining, and my silver lining has been learning about myself and accepting that I am capable. The experiences we have, whether good, neutral, bad, or traumatic to not define us. We always have choices and options. Some are just harder to see than others. 

Today I choose to embrace the word endure in all it's positivity. I hope you will, too.

Effective : Write 28 Days

successful in producing a desired or intended result

Sometimes I wonder if I'm effective. It's easier for me to look back on all the ways I've been ineffective, but maybe that's just the abuse talking. There's a line from the movie "Pretty Woman" that has always stuck in my head - "The bad stuff is easier to believe." I think that's one thing the abuse taught me to do.

So today for my edification, and possibly yours, I'm making a list of things I've been effective in doing. Maybe this will motivate you to do the same.

1. I raised my children to adulthood.
2. I have open, friendly relationships with my adult children.
3. I navigated (and continue to navigate) the treacherous waters of recovery from abuse.
4. I navigated returning to myself after a long marriage that ended in divorce.
5. I found, redecorated, and moved into the first place I've ever lived on my own.
6. I found a part-time job I really like.
7. I've returned to writing and am beginning to accept that I may be good at it.
8. I like myself (most days).
9. I have maintained lifelong friendships.
10. I am rebuilding my connection with God.

I'm sure there are other things I've been effective at, but 10 seems to prove the point. I have a choice about how I choose to see my life. I can focus on my ineffectiveness, or I can focus on effective opportunities. I'm not talking about seeing life through rose-colored glasses. I'm talking about balance. It may be easier to believe the bad stuff, but we don't have to take the easier path. 

Make your list!

Relationship : Write 28 Days

the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

In our society relationship is assumed to imply romance, but I like to look beyond that idea. I like the definition from The Oxford Dictionary because it doesn't limit the word to romance.

I have a relationship with my home, my car, my bed, my feed, my computer, my blog. You get the idea. By limiting the word, relationship, to only people, we limit our understanding of the world.

This is a pet peeve of mine with the English language. We need more variety in our vocabulary to fully express ideas and concepts. I heard once that the Inuit people have 50 words for snow. That "fact" is up for debate, but it is true that variations on words help us understand more fully than a single word used repeatedly.

Experts claim that the reason some cultures have many words for one thing is because language evolves to focus on the most important aspects of life. If you live in an environment where it snows for 365 days a year then this becomes a crucial part of your existence. In an article in the Washington Post, Willem de Reuse, a linguist at the University of North Texas, said: “These people need to know whether ice is fit to walk on or whether you will sink through it. It’s a matter of life or death.”  -- (https://www.pangeanic.com/knowledge_center/are-there-really-50-different-words-for-snow-in-inuit/#)

Here's what I do know about relationships -- they can be with objects, concepts, or people. They can be easy, difficult, complicated, confusing, and comforting. And we all need at least one solid relationship to help us keep moving forward.

Experiment : Write 28 Days

A course of action tentatively adopted without being sure of the eventual outcome.

I experiment a lot. Constantly trying new methods to organize my time and space for the maximum return value. Always looking for the best way to use my time and resources. It sounds like a good plan to maximize my opportunities.

Over time I have come to believe I've made that maximization the end result, rather than a stepping stone to improve my life.

It's a recurring issue for perfectionists. If I can find the right plan, the right notebook, the right filing system, the right pen . . . If, if, if. I can get so caught up in the planning, testing, experimenting that I lose sight of the goal. To live my best life. To be the person I want to be. To create. 

Recently, I had a brief unplanned experiment. When woke up I realized I had nowhere to be that day. I had no one depending on me for anything. The day was truly mine. I briefly thought about getting up and making a to-do list but stopped myself. This day could truly be about me. Of course, there were things that would need to be addressed throughout the day, but mostly it was my day to use as I saw fit. 

It was terrifying. But only momentarily. I realized it was up to me if I got up of stayed in bed a bit longer. It was up to me if I showered and dressed and then got my tea or vice versa. I felt myself smiling at this thought - first, laughing at myself a bit, and then later with joy at the idea of it all.

On that day here is what I did:

- had tea and boiled eggs

- talked with my son and his friends

- talked with daughter on the phone

- showered and got dressed

- boiled the remains of a rotisserie chicken for stock and chicken to make into a salad

- baked an apple dump cake because I had apples that needed to be used

- wrote a blog post

- participated in an online photo challenge

- crocheted

- listened to a podcast

- searched for documentaries to watch

- watched an episode of 2 shows on Netflix

- cleaned the kitchen

- cooked dinner for the 3 of us

- played on my iPad

- handled a couple work issues (not my fave, but things happen)

- stayed up too late playing on my phone and watching Netflix

As I look back at the day, I see things I would have characterized as "good" and "worthwhile". I see some creativity. I see some "wasted" time. But mostly what I see is a day that is representative of who I am. Every day doesn't provide a complete picture of me and that's okay. 

So I will continue to experiment with what I want my days to include or exclude. I will work on accepting each day for what it brings, accomplishes, and allows. And I realize that there is no need to be so judgmental of myself because this is where I am right now. At this moment in time. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Possible : Write 28 Days

At first glance, possible, is an adjective to me. Anything is possible - is the first thing that jumped into my head, which is unfortunate since I don't actually believe that. I want that to be true, but it's not.

So I looked up the word in the dictionary. Because that's what I do. I gather information to validate and back up my ideas and beliefs. 

ADJECTIVE Able to be done; within the power or capacity of someone or something.

Much is possible, but anything? I kept reading.

NOUN A person or thing that has the potential to become or do something, especially a potential candidate for a job or membership on a team. 

Now, this I like. A person or thing that has potential. Everyone has the potential to be or do something. There is no arguing with that. (Unless you want to get all philosophical, which I definitely do no!)

I know I keep coming back to this, but at the retreat last weekend I talked about my profile description on this blog. I list myself as a "would-be writer". The other participants balked at my description. We talked about what and how we define being a writer. Is it based on how many articles, stories, or poems we've published? Is the number of books written and published? Does publication or payment for writing factor into one's right to claim that title?

The definition of writer is one who writes. There are no provisos or addendums. One who writes. I am a writer. I will very rarely argue with The Oxford Dictionary.

It's possible I may need to change my profile.

Surprise : Write 28 Days

Surprise! We're half-way through this challenge and I've only missed one day. Yay, for me!!!

I started writing this blog in 2009. When I started it I felt selfish and sure that my motivations were far from admirable. I had all kinds of information, ideas, memories, and beliefs floating around in my head, and the only way I knew to get them out and potentially organized was to write. But I couldn't just do it for myself, because I needed external validation. My belief that something I thought or felt was valid just wasn't enough. Someone else's words were needed to prove the veracity of my feelings. 

For several years I wrote faithfully. Not necessarily every day, but several times a week. And it helped. It helped me, and I was getting feedback from others who were benefiting from my writing. I felt validated. It was a good thing to write as long as others were being helped. 

Then my marriage started to unravel. We had been teetering on something for a long time. I kept trying to live the way he wanted. Eventually, I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. I had to be who I was. That sounds so trite, but it's the reality of what was going on. Somewhere in that unraveling, I quit writing. 

This blog has always been the truth. Pretty or ugly, I've always tried to be unerringly honest. Maybe that was a way of testing my true feelings. Maybe it fed that need for someone to know about the awfulness without having to stand face to face with them. Whatever the reason, this space has always been about me and my life. When things began to unravel that didn't feel right or safe anymore. 

One of many surprises along this path has been how long it's taken to be able to embrace my authentic self in the aftermath of it all. I blithely thought that once the stress was removed (instantaneously) I would know how to live that way. The reality is that turning my life around took longer (is taking longer?) than I could have imagined. 

This past weekend's retreat was a blessing in so many ways, and along with the retreat, this challenge has gotten me back into writing regularly. For both of those events, I am so very grateful.

One quote from the weekend keeps repeating in my head -  

“Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one.” - Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

This time around I've allowed myself to be a bad artist. And the great surprise in that has been how quickly I've found my voice again. I don't know if I'm bad, mediocre, or good at this writing thing. What I do know is that I don't really care so much what anyone else thinks about it.

And that is the greatest surprise of all.

Exact : Write 28 Days

I'm a perfectionist, so I have a love/hate relationship with words like exact. 

I want to be exact in everything I do. A not very realistic goal, I understand, but there it is.

Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again. -- Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way.

The idea that everything doesn't have to be exact - perfect - is difficult for me to get my head around. I spent the last 30+ years trying to do just that. It doesn't work - I know this - but I kept striving for it anyway, while it hammered at my self-worth and made me deflect every compliment that came my way.

So I'm working on changing my attitude again. Years ago I claimed the term "procrastinating perfectionist" to describe my inertia. I would find myself frozen, unable to move in any direction for fear of failing, even if only in one tiny aspect of the task. I recognize the abuse imbued me with an intense fear of failure, as I believed I was responsible for it. I just never knew what I had done to make it happen. That sense of responsibility left me terrified of making a mistake whether I knew what the mistake was or not. You can't win if you try to take on responsibility for something that's not yours.

Today I met with an accountant to help me with my taxes. I'm still new to all of this, so I'm getting help to be sure I pay the right amount. I gathered all the papers I could think of and put them in my cute, pink plastic envelope. I dressed nicely and arrived on time. I couldn't find parking so I called to ask where I could park. That may not sound like much, but it's hard for me. For some reason, I believe I'm supposed to know everything all the time, so asking questions is tantamount to admitting I'm an idiot. Once I got to the office and we began to look through paperwork, it became patently obvious that I had forgotten numerous important documents - like last year's tax forms.

Internally, I quickly spiraled into self- doubt, beating myself up for not bringing those documents. I feel confident that the accountant had no idea how stressed I was. I made a note of items he needed from me and we agreed on how I would get them to him, and when. 

There was no external evidence or my anxiety, except speed talking and over-explaining. Maybe a few unnecessary "I'm sorries." Otherwise, I left with a plan. But it took me a while to talk myself down. A call to my best friend helped me put some things in perspective, along with a promise to help me get organized for next time. 

That's a lot of information to explain my love/hate relationship with exact, but now you know I have a tendency to over-explain when I'm stressed.

Ponder : Write 28 Days

Ponder. This is something I like to do. It's falling into that pile of lost arts, like sitting on front porches, chatting with your neighbor while shelling peas, writing long letters, cursive.

This weekend I was given the opportunity to do "Ponder Writing". As I've mentioned before, I went to Rockvale Writers' Colony for a retreat called "The Artist's Way: Rest, Renew, Reveal, wRite". There we were led in pondering Julia Cameron's book and practice, The Artist's Way. After each session, we were given the opportunity to spend some time reading specific portions of the book and then pick a "Ponder Writing" to do (or do them all if we felt so inclined!) 

I did some of them, but certainly not all. Following some of the sessions, I needed unincumbered time to just ponder -- not write. There are two good things about my response. One was the pondering itself. Giving me time to sit with information and just let it weave its way in and through my psyche without much effort. The second good thing was not following the rules and not having guilt. Anyone who's read my writing knows that I'm a rules girl to the nth degree. The idea of breaking a rule (assignment) made by the authority figure (facilitator) would have been anathema to me just a few short years ago.

All of that pondering has made me think about something else. The idea that what we put into our heads (i.e., movies, books, television, conversations, self-talk) impacts how we think about ourselves. I know the damage of negative self-talk! I am the reigning queen in that particular event. But since connecting with the Colony and having other writers be so kind, encouraging and generous toward my writing, I'm beginning to see quite clearly the benefit of saying those positive things to myself and not deflecting praise from others. All I have to say in response is, "Thank you". 

I suppose what I'm getting at here is that to ponder is a valuable use of my time. And I love the synchronicity of having a word prompt that aligns with my weekend retreat. Call it what you will God or serendipity. Either way it's been a blessing.

Experience : Write 28 Days

experience -- practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity

I have quite a bit of experience in a variety of areas -- daughter, sister, wife, mother, librarian, homemaker, cook, seamstress, crafter, helper, survivor.

I type that list and it looks rather impressive at first, but then I find myself looking at each word and dissecting meanings. Daughter was through no action of my own, nor was sister. Some might debate how good I've been at either of those.

Wife I did for 32 years. I tried hard to be good at it. There were ups and downs. Ultimately the downs overwhelmed me.

Mother. Well, all of us with that title will acknowledge we could have done better. But in hindsight, I'd give myself a B+. I did as well as I could in those moments. I've apologized (repeatedly) for my failures. My grown children and I have good relationships now.

Librarian. I think I was good at it. I know I enjoyed it. I feel I could have made better use of that degree, but so it goes. Who knows, I might find myself wearing that hat again someday.

I'm a decent cook and I've certainly fed a lot of people over the years. Some would say I'm better than decent, but we all know I'm not good at self-promotion.

Seamstress and crafter are mostly for me. I like fiddling around with yarn and fabric and beads and scraps of paper and string.

Helper comes pretty naturally to me. I'm a 9 on the Enneagram so I can't stop myself from checking on everyone in a room to make sure they are ok.

That leaves me with survivor. I have a love/hate relationship with the word. Yes I did survive childhood abuse and sexual assaults as an adult. Yes, I've worked hard to overcome the damage those experiences did to me. The problem for me is the term sounds grandiose. From my perspective, I only did what I had to do. But that's probably a whole different post.

What does all this rambling get me? Perhaps a clearer recognition of what I value in myself. In my life. Maybe it's just navel-gazing. And then again maybe it's the result of agreeing to participate in a writing challenge based of one word prompts.

Whatever it truly is, it's been an experience.

Learn : Write 28 Days

I love to learn!

School didn't really prepare me for how much I love to learn. The unfortunate side effect of organized school for me was the learning was totally overwhelmed by the competition, the fear of authority, the assumption that I would be humiliated by grades, teacher comments, or other students.

I did well in school, but I didn't excel. I flew under the radar grade-wise. Mostly As and Bs. Occasionally I would shine in paper or a presentation, but mostly I just did the work and tried not to get in trouble. I stayed in my lane.

As I've gotten older and cleared my mind from the struggle to keep the awfulness at bay, I find myself wanting to learn about so many things. Going waaaaay outside of my lane just for my own curiosity and enjoyment.

Friday, Saturday, and today (Sunday), I have learned so much about myself. About writing. About how similar I am to other writers and how dissimilar I am to other writers. I've learned it's normal to feel jealousy when other's succeed, but it doesn't make me a bad person and I don't have to sit in the jealousy. I've learned what's it like to sit in a room full of women and not feel like an outsider. 

I've been listening to a podcast lately that my daughter introduced me to. It's called Ologies with Alie Ward (https://www.alieward.com/ologies) and I LOVE it. Ward talks about all kinds of things I didn't know I wanted to know about. I highly recommend it!

Stretch. Reach. Grow. And learn something new today.

 

Explore : Write 28 Days

Explore. Such a good word for this day. I'm on a retreat this weekend at the Rockvale Writers' Colony enjoying the company of other writers as we explore Julia Cameron's wonderful book The Artist's Way. 

I have to admit I never read the entire book, but I have dreamed on it over the years, perhaps afraid I was being too extravagant by seeing myself at an artist. When I saw that the Colony was offering a weekend retreat focusing on the book, I jumped at the chance to go away and focus on it with other like-minded people.

This weekend is giving me the opportunity to explore that book, my dreams, my discipline, and this lovely environment. So much exploration! 

Enough : Write 28 Days

Enough is as good as a feast.
I've heard it my whole life.

As a child, I was regularly told that my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Probably true, but food was comfort in those days. As I've gotten older (and wiser, I hope) I realize the value of this proverb.

Enough is defined as - occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.

It's a concept that Americans seem to struggle with. Enough to meet needs. We don't like to stop at that point. We want insurance. A backup plan. And so we hoard -- money, food, surplus ANYTHING, in case we might need more,

I am reminded of 2 Bible stories. The first is of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.

11 The Lord said to Moses, 12 “I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.’”

13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, “What is it?” For they did not know what it was.

Moses said to them, “It is the bread the Lord has given you to eat. 16 This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Everyone is to gather as much as they need. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.’”

17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little. Everyone had gathered just as much as they needed.

19 Then Moses said to them, “No one is to keep any of it until morning.”

20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.

21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as they needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, “This is what the Lord commanded: ‘Tomorrow is to be a day of sabbath rest, a holy sabbath to the Lord. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.’”

24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 “Eat it today,” Moses said, “because today is a sabbath to the Lord. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any.” (Exodus 16)

The second story is the parable of the rich fool.

16 And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. 17 He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’

18 “Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. 19 And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’

20 “But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’

21 “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.” (Luke 12)

"But if I'm content with a little, enough is as good as a feast." -- Isaac Bickerstaffe

Community : Write 28 Days

Community! What a wonderful word.

I got to experience my favorite community Saturday. I am blessed to have a group of friends I've known for over (gulp!) 40 years. Once a month we get together to catch up and encourage one another to handle some of those monotonous things that have to be done. Sometimes it's bill paying or sorting through accumulated paperwork. Sometimes it's some mindless task we've been putting off because it's boring! Sometimes we just wind up coming together to sit with one another.

We call ourselves The Fun Girls - 4 women and 1 man. I've known Keith since were 7. We've been through a lot together. The women, Linda, Caroline, and Sandra, I've known since high school. Linda is our cruise director. If it weren't for her Fun Girls would never have started or continued as it does. Many years ago she contacted all of us and suggested the idea of getting together once a month to do some crafting or an outing. Over time it's evolved into just getting together. Sometimes we go out to eat or do some antiquing. Occasionally we take the weekend and go to a state park together (just the girls then LOL!). But one way or another we see each other most months. 

We don't all make it every month, but we do our best. Yesterday The Fun Girls met at my house. We were all present and accounted for. There is always food, of course. Sandra brings chicken salad from the Amish store near her. Keith brings whatever strikes his fancy when he strolls the aisles at Publix. Caroline brings fruit and hummus and whatever item she's stumbled on recently. Linda makes "Crack", our affectionate term for her chocolate chip cookies. And I provide something breakfast-y - scones, muffins, strudel, etc.

My kitchen island was covered in food. My dining room table was spread out to its full length and all of our projects intermingled as we "worked" and ate and talked and caught up on mutual friends and information. It was lovely.

My son and his girlfriend came in at one point and chatted for a bit. Keith had brought one of his vintage percolators. He made coffee for us all while we remembered the coffee pots of our families, and we introduced my son to old fashioned stovetop percolators. 

As I write this all, it seems a bit disjointed and muddled. Not a good description of a lovely day spent with dear friends. But that's what it was because real community is disjointed, muddled, messy, and wonderful all at the same time.

These people have seen me through a lot - marriage, pregnancies, medical scares, PTSD, depression, children issues and joys, and the disintegration of my marriage. They have held me up in my worst times. They have listened to most of the gory details of the childhood abuse, and they still love and support me. They got me through the transition from longterm marriage to successfully living on my own. 

And that's what community is. That's what community does. Thank God for community!

Number : Write 28 Days

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: I don't like this prompt.

There are several reasons for my reaction to that word -- I wrote a post a long time ago about numbers. I'm worn out with our society's obsession with weight and wealth. (More numbers). I was married to an actuary.

But I'm a rule follower, so I will soldier on. 

We are a society identified by numbers. Identifying numbers instead of names. Rankings. Weight. Salary. Savings. Home costs. Retirement. The Electoral College. The National Debt. Elections. Votes.

NUMBERS! 

I am SO much more than the number used to identify or define me. Maybe I'm just frustrated by numbers because I am not an analytical person. I am a strongly emotional person and numbers have no part in emotions. And I was married to an actuary.

But. But, there are good numbers in my life. I have 2 children. I have been alive for 57 years. I have 1 part-time job that I love. I have had the same 4 dear friends that have stood with me for 40+ years. 

Perhaps there's more to a number than I realized.

Make : Write 28 Days

form, construct, create, build, assemble, manufacture

Each day I make something. 

Some days it's easier to see the end result. A blanket I've crocheted. A strand of prayer beads strung together. A meal to feed myself or others. 

Other days it's more difficult. Another step in healing. Another relationship established or improved. Mistakes. 

Whether intentionally or not, I make something every day. The dream is to make something that improves the world. To add to the goodness and positivity I hope to see grow. But sometimes I make things that are neutral or even detrimental. 

Right now as I sit typing these words, I hope that it's the former. Words that encourage not only me but someone who needs a word of hope. Some light at the end of the tunnel. When I first started this blog over 10 years ago it was about needing a place to hear my own voice and get some validation that I wasn't crazy. I made sentences by stringing words together. And then paragraphs. And then a post. But one of the unexpected gifts of this blog has been the lasting relationships I've made with other people writing about their own struggles and dreams. An unforeseen benefit of what I feared was more evidence of my own self-indulgence.

So what do I want to make of this second half of my life? 

Thinking about my own wants, wishes, and dreams is something that got lost along the road awhile ago. When I first started trying to listen to my own desires I couldn't hear them. People would ask me what I wanted and I would explain all the pros and cons of the various options. My best friend and I went shopping for a pepper grinder or shaker. She held up two options and said, "Which one do you want?" I proceeded to explain the benefits of the grinder over the shaker. Then I turned it around and explained the benefits of the shaker over the grinder. She looked at me the whole time, and then said in the exact same way, "Which one do you want?" And I started again with my explanations. I could see some frustration in her eyes, so I stopped and asked what I was doing wrong. She asked again, "Which one do you want?" I stood there for a moment and finally said, "Well, I guess I want both of them." I suddenly realized that what mattered was what I wanted.

Now that may seem like a silly "aha" moment. Then again it may sound sad. But standing in the aisle of the local Wal-Mart I began to see how deeply buried my own wants had become.

It's gotten easier to access those preferences, but the struggle still catches me off guard sometimes. Most days I make choices without too much difficulty. It's simpler when it's an either/or situation. The more options the greater the anxiety.

So what will I make today? Choices. My own choices. And in making those choices I hope they make my world and the world at large a better place for all.

Joy : Write 28 Days

Joy . . . comes when you make peace with who you are, why you are and how you are.  

www.psychologies.co.uk › joy-vs-happiness

Last night I walked through my home and realized I felt something I hadn't felt in quite some time. I stopped in my kitchen and looked around. I have all new appliances that replaced the very dated and wonky appliances that came with my place when I bought it 3 1/2 years ago. Everything looked nice and clean and well ordered. As I wandered through the rest of the condo I realized again the peace, ease, and comfort I was feeling. I wondered what to call that feeling.

Just before heading to bed I checked the list of prompts for this challenge. I like to sleep on the next word. To let my resting mind play with it before I write the next day. The prompt was "Joy", and when I woke up this morning I had the name for my feeling.

By now you know words are extremely important to me. I try not to choose words randomly, but rather with care and consideration. There are nuances that I need to express in the words I use especially those used to describe feelings. So it was vital to find the right word to describe what I had felt.

I did a quick Google search and found the quote at the beginning of this post. I really liked the word "peace" and the ideas of who, why, and how. The next line in the article compared joy and happiness -- whereas happiness tends to be externally triggered and is based on other people, things, places, thoughts, and events.

And that's it in a nutshell. Joy is of my own making and doing. It's a choice. A place I come to on my own. Happiness is externally triggered. Joy is internally triggered. 

Let's be clear, I'm all about the happiness and I have lots of people and things that trigger me in very lovely ways, but joy. Ahhh, joy is mine alone to trigger. To create. To embrace. And that is an affirming and validating thing.

Intent : Write 28 Days

Intent - (adj) having the mind, attention, or will concentrated on something or some end or purpose; (n) a usually clearly formulated or planned aim or goal

What is my intent with this series of posts? 

I've missed writing. I've missed reading other bloggers. I've missed feedback from readers. I've missed the discipline of thinking through the thoughts in my head enough to get them into coherent sentence structure. So my intent is to return to something I loved. To something that helped me connect with myself and others. To return to a medium that got me through so much in the past and became a path to a better future. 

That sounds quite impressive! But what it all boils down to is I like to write. To get my thoughts out in the open and clarify them. And I'm a little ashamed to admit how much I enjoy feedback. I guess all writers crave that though.

My method or plan to achieve this intent is to follow the challenge, Write 28 Days (or maybe 29 since it's a leap year!) I'm using the prompts Anita provided for the group. Prompt writing is helpful when I'm having a difficult time getting back into the discipline of writing. It's like the essays teachers had the class write in high school and college. At the time, I didn't understand what they were trying to achieve. I got so wrapped up in grammar and structure and wanting to sound impressive because I was being graded! It might have helped me appreciate the exercise more if it had been explained more clearly. 

So that's my intent for now. But one thing I know is that intent can change. 

Begin : Write 28 Days

Begin.

Begin again.

Start over.

Recreate.

Reinvent.

All words that signify change. The hope for a shift. A do-over. 

I've been in the midst of all those things for the past 3 1/2 years. I've settled at my computer numerous times to write about changes and new beginnings. I guess I haven't really been ready. I hope I'm ready now. To begin to write about the past in a new way. To focus on the future without constantly looking over my shoulder into the past. There have been so many questions. So much doubt and fear, and sometimes sheer terror. But part of needing to begin is to write, so I'm taking on this challenge of Write 28 Days as the opportunity (and let's face it, accountability and expectations) to look back in a productive way so that I can begin to write, to process, to share, to begin a new way forward.

Three and a half years ago, my marriage of 32 years ended. It wasn't abrupt, more of slow-burn that turned into a cleansing fire. Things had been unraveling for quite some time. I'd been twisting myself into knots, figuratively and literally, for several years. We had tried praying together for the marriage, talking with church leaders and friends, professional counseling (multiple players), individual counseling ad infinitum. Nothing helped or changed. It was over. Something I never intended to happen was happening, and while I was terrified, I was also relieved. Relieved to accept defeat (?). Relieved to find a way out of the constant stress and anxiety that was tearing my psyche and my body apart. I won't go into the gory details except to say that something that had been good, just kept going downhill. 

I was 54 years old, almost an empty-nester. I hadn't worked full-time in 26 years. I hadn't worked part-time in 7 years. I am not a particularly confrontational person -- it's not in my nature and the abuse from the past hadn't encouraged me to learn how to stand up for myself -- but suddenly I found myself needing to stand up in all kinds of unprecedented ways. To begin being more self-reliant. And as I began to believe in my capabilities, to trust my instincts, to choose what I wanted, I found I was better at all of those things than I had realized I was. 

So with this beginning to write again, I hope that I'm taking another step toward being the person I want to be. Maybe the person I was meant to be. Not a new me, but a more authentic me.

Begin. 

linking up with #Write28Days