I haven't talked with my parents in over 4 months. In some ways it's been wonderful. In others, just awful.
The good has been not having to decipher their strange method of communicating. Not having to figure out what they mean by what they say and/or do. Not being hurt by their insensitivity.
The bad has been not feeling comfortable calling them with little thoughts on books, acquaintances, recipes, and stories. Not feeling as if I can get copies of old photos that would help me on this journey, because I said I needed a break from them.
Doesn't there have to be something that occurs between the not talking and the talking again?
But does that require an ultimatum? If this, then that?
I know there are things I need to say to them. Not because it will change their behavior, but because I need to have said these things.
I've talked with people I trust about what to say, how to say it, when and where to say these things, but I have yet to feel comfortable about the end result.
What do I hope to gain from saying these things?
I don't believe they will change.
I think it's possible that my dad will be angry with me and my mother will be sad and cry.
I don't think they will understand what I'm trying to say, and I do think, it's possible, that they will verbally lash out at me, potentially hurting me all over again.
And yet . . .
I need to say these things so that I can know I have said them.
I need to quit trying to assuage their pain.
I need to stand up to them (and myself in the process) and show them that I am strong and capable -- not weak and fragile.
There are no guarantees as to how this will play out. I am not prepared to tell them I will never speak to them again, but I will not continue to allow them to hurt me without pointing out to them when they do it.
This is what I have so far:
1. I had to take a break from talking to you because it was too hurtful and confusing when I talked with you. Your responses to my pain have been either void of emotions, self-absorbed, or flippant.
2. I can forgive you for the abuse that occurred when I was a child, but I need you to take responsibility for putting me in harm’s way. I need you to ask for my forgiveness.
3. Your reactions and comments over the past 12 years have been often painful and destructive. It has taken countless hours trying to understand your distance and lack of support.
4. I am not fragile. I am strong. What you perceive as fragility is self-preservation, and honoring me and my needs.
5. I will not continue to interact with you if you continue to hurt me, whether intentionally or not. I will not let painful comments go unaddressed.
6. I am offended that you would think I would cut off communication with you because you brought X’s gift to my house on Christmas Eve. I am not that shallow and saddened that you view me as such.
7. I am appalled that Alan has not heard from you since he told you of the second rape. It is unconscionable to me as a person and especially as a parent that you not have followed up on that information.
2. I can forgive you for the abuse that occurred when I was a child, but I need you to take responsibility for putting me in harm’s way. I need you to ask for my forgiveness.
3. Your reactions and comments over the past 12 years have been often painful and destructive. It has taken countless hours trying to understand your distance and lack of support.
4. I am not fragile. I am strong. What you perceive as fragility is self-preservation, and honoring me and my needs.
5. I will not continue to interact with you if you continue to hurt me, whether intentionally or not. I will not let painful comments go unaddressed.
6. I am offended that you would think I would cut off communication with you because you brought X’s gift to my house on Christmas Eve. I am not that shallow and saddened that you view me as such.
7. I am appalled that Alan has not heard from you since he told you of the second rape. It is unconscionable to me as a person and especially as a parent that you not have followed up on that information.
So, where do I go from here?
this is hard. this land of love and yet, mistrust. perhaps you start with a letter? so you can say what you need to say, and still have the confidence and are able to carefully and lovely draft a response? oh. i wish i had an easy fix for this situation. all i can say is that no matter what happens, we'll be right here beside you.
ReplyDeleteLetters have been sent in the past, and not received well. My parents are angered that I will not address them in person. They have no understanding of the fear I feel at times, or of the disconnect that effects my ability to talk to them "off the cuff".
DeleteI have a many similar conversations with them and am now wondering about the benefit of addressing these things again. As I said, the only benefit will be what I may get from speaking the truth more directly.
I understand this in a way I wouldn't have, last year, b/c I had to decide that it was more important for me to speak my mind and risk a relationship than to remain silent and protect the person and relationship...even if the person in question wouldn't respond in the way I hoped. (Fortunately, the person responded beautifully.)
ReplyDeleteSo much of this, I think, is a matter of discernment and prayer. I do believe that truth is best spoken in love, and the more lovingly we can speak, the greater our chances of saving relationships.
Please know, Melanie, that I am praying for you and have been for awhile. I'm sorry for all the pain you've suffered.
Thank you for your prayers. I covet them!
Deletei think you have made a strong list here when you are ready to talk to them...and i know that the convo will not be easy but i imagine that afterward you will feel quite the burden relieved....been praying for you as well...and will pray they are ready to hear these things as well...
ReplyDeleteoh friend.
ReplyDeletei think this is a wonderful start. you are making steps towards healing and freedom. and you are giving them the chance to make things right. like you said, if they choose not to, you can still choose to forgive them, but also to not talk to them again. because forgiveness is mostly to set yourself free. it's not making what they did/do right. i think, if they're not willing to make amends, you forgive, and you move on. but that's just me. continuing to pray. e.
Praying as you have this difficult conversation. Praying you'll feel the Strong Place with in you, the One Who is your Refuge.
ReplyDeleteYes, to everything above. May God give you wisdom and discernment, guard your heart and your lips, and may He give you healing words. Praying.
ReplyDelete