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Showing posts with label Nur. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nur. Show all posts

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Best Kind of Day

You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

To quote Joyce Summers, "My, that's a terrible thought."

I pick a day in mid-spring the year I was 4. It's before the awful started. Before I knew to be afraid. Before I knew bad things could happen to me.
I am at my grandparents' house. I stay with my great-grandmother while everyone else is at work. She has chores to do, but she includes me in all of them. We bake biscuits together. She lets me have my own lump of dough to roll out all by myself. I sneak little bites of the dough. We place biscuits on the little black baking sheets, and I play with my doll while Nur gets the rest of our meal ready.

Later we will wash clothes and hang them on the line to dry. We'll take a walk through the back field and go home to pull off the briars that have stuck to my socks. Maybe we'll play Old Maid. But through it all, I will hum and sing and smile and dance, because I know I am loved. I know I am safe, because nothing bad has ever happened to me.

Emily Webb in "Our Town", after she has died, asks to go back for just one day. Mrs. Gibbs says, "No!—At least, choose an unimportant day. Choose the least important day in your life. It will be important enough." Emily chooses her 12th birthday, but she can't bear it, saying, "All that was going on in life and we never noticed."

So I choose an unimportant day. A day when life was so normal. The best kind of day to remember.

linking up with Writer's Workshop





Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Fractured Childhood

I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had recently with another survivor. We don't know each other well, and don't know each other's story, but we know we are both survivors. I mentioned that those of us with fractured childhoods need to find ways to reclaim that time in the present. I've done it through collecting stuffed animals and dolls. I color. My husband bought me a silk and flannel fairy blanket that I slept with for years. And of course there is Yolie

The greatest gift toward reclaiming my childhood has been my husband. From the very beginning he embraced the idea of creating new memories. Part of my attraction to him all those years ago was his ability to have fun and be silly without worrying about perceptions. I have learned much from him. He is constantly making suggestions and reminding me to do something nice for my inner child. 

She is Lucy. Years ago I named her to avoid confusion when discussing things with my therapist -- not another personality, but a way of recognizing the little girl who was so damaged in those years. I still have difficulty talking about the abuse in the first person, so Lucy carries a lot of the weight for me. I owe her a great deal. 

She is named for my great-grandmother who cared for me while both of my parents worked, before I was old enough to go to school. "Nur" (pronounced nuh) loved me unconditionally. She taught me to make biscuits and how to braid hair. She sang hymns while she pegged the laundry to the line. Her sister was my dearest Auntie whose home was a refuge. 

I read the verses in scripture about children. About how Jesus honored and sat with children, and I am reminded that He still loves me like a child. And if He does, then I will too.

linking up with imperfect prose


Friday, September 2, 2011

Change


She is 4-years-old and staying with her great-grandmother, Nur (nuh) while the parents are at work. It's a sunny spring day. Aunt Ruth is there too. Ruth is Nur's deceased husband's aunt, who raised him after his parents died. Ruth lives in the house because no one else will have her, and Nur has promised Gram (her husband) that she will care for her.

Nur is hanging laundry on the line in the backyard. It is a load of sheets. She is hanging large white flat sheets with her back to the little girl. She is sitting on the back stoop playing with her doll, Dahlia (daylia). Dahlia and she are inseparable. It is very warm and sunny on the porch. She carefully sits Dahlia on the step and goes into the house. She is headed to the bathroom, when out of nowhere she is struck in the face by the back of Ruth's hand. The next thing she knows, she is lying on the floor looking at the rocker on Ruth's chair. Ruth is leaning over the little girl and yelling. Her face is contorted and she is shaking her finger at the little girl. She knows Ruth is talking to her, but at first she can't make out the words. Ruth says something about that Lucile (Nur) woman. It's the little girl’s fault she says. If she hadn't . . . what? Ruth grabs her arm and hauls her up. “Don't tell anyone. They won't believe you. You're a liar.” She shoves the little girl toward the door leading to the rest of the house.

She wanders to the bathroom. She wants to see her face in the mirror, but she is too short. She must be a different person now. She uses the bathroom. She is trapped. She wants out of the house, but to get out she’ll have to walk by Ruth again. How can she keep from making her mad again when she doesn't know what she did the first time? She settles into the corner behind the bathroom door. If she stays here, Nur will worry and come looking. Maybe she'll be mad too. The little girl reaches for the doorknob and turns it slowly. She peeks out into the hallway. She doesn't see anyone. She can hear the TV from the den. Ruth is watching wrestling. Ruth loves wrestling. Slowly she creeps out of the bathroom and into the hallway. Tiptoes into the kitchen very carefully, listening, watching. She makes her way to the den door and peers around. Ruth is still in her chair, focused on the TV. The little girl edges around the door frame and keeps as close as possible to the far side of the room. She never takes her eyes off Ruth, and Ruth never looks at the little girl. Finally she is passed the chair. The back door is in sight. The little girl makes a dash for it, flinging open the screen door. She is safe! She has made it to the stoop. Everything looks the same. Nur is still hanging out sheets. Dahlia is sitting on the step waiting. The sun is shining and a warm breeze is blowing, but nothing is the same. It is all different.

She picks up Dahlia and goes to sit in the shadowed corner between the stoop and the house. What did she do?

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