He called us around 1:30 to say "Pop" had passed. Everything's been chaotic since then.
I've tried to care for others and do all the right things. I've fed, hugged, prayed, laughed, talked, cleaned the refrigerator and freezer at his house. I've boxed and bagged, and picked out clothes. Helped plan music. Worked on his obituary, and helped pick out the casket.
I've smiled and been nice. And I haven't cried once.
Now I'm starting to get short with people. I'm tired. I need some time for myself and a break from being the go-to girl. But it's hard to let down when there's so much to be done, and so few people to handle it all. We are a small family, and my husband has worked tirelessly for weeks, days, and hours, even now trying to put together the video for the funeral.
And I'm starting to hear those voices in my head again -- you're selfish, you're self-centered. You're being ugly and rude. The fact that I'm tired and tired of helping is proof of what a terrible person I am.
The minister's lesson yesterday was (partially) on shame and guilt. I know he meant it to helpful and clarifying. Instead I found myself physically turning inward attempting to hide from everyone and everything.
So I'm working on loving myself through the tough times. I know God is with me. I know my friends are here to help. But, friends, I need you too. I need your prayers and comments to help me get through the next few days.
I feel ashamed to ask, but that's where I am.
Will you help me love myself through this week?
linking up with a love dare
