Travels with Yolie

linking up with Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . June 10, 2014

Outside my window . . . it's 71* and sunny with wispy clouds in the sky. Apparently we'll have more rain and storms this afternoon and evening, but for now it's gorgeous!

I am thinking . . . about everything I need to get done before 2 pm. Oy vey!

I am thankful . . . for an amazing message I received yesterday in response to my blog post. Sad and uplifting at the same time.

In the kitchen . . . my bestie and I cleaned thoroughly yesterday (in truth, she did most of the cleaning!). I made quiche on Sunday, bean burritos for lunch yesterday, and macaroni and cheese with hot dogs for dinner. Haute cuisine!

I am wearing . . . another cotton gown. Are you sensing a theme here?

I am creating . . . very little. I'm hoping that a few days away at the Gulf may inspire me once I get home.

I am going . . . on a brief vacation with dh. We are leaving later today and tooling our way through Georgia and Alabama to the Gulf for a view days of rest and relaxation.

I am wondering . . . how many people there really are out there who struggle with the after shocks of abuse. The more I write about my own experiences the more I learn about others who have or are struggling right along with me.

I am reading . . . Sherlock Holmes: The Ultimate Collection on my Kindle. Good reading for traveling.

I am looking forward to . . . our getaway!

I am hearing . . . peace and quiet. My favorite way to start the day.

Around the house . . . we are awaiting the delivery of our new sofa and ottoman for the den, and the installation of several new windows. 

I am praying . . . for a friend struggling with pancreatic cancer, another friend who is job hunting, and traveling mercies for dh and me.

One of my favorite things . . . is creating a healthy, tasty, attractive meal. This was Sunday's lunch -- baked tilapia with steamed rice and veggies.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . heading out on vacation. That's really all I've got going this week.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

sweet little ride parked in front of my house during

 my neighbor's yard sale

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Depression, Angst, and Beaches

It's Monday, which is supposed to be "Made by You Monday" and I've got nothing. No creative meals. No crochet. No sewing. 

What I do have is a pretty bad case of the blahs. I've been struggling since right before Memorial Day. I went back and looked at older journals. I do see a pattern of deep depression in the late spring and early summer. Maybe it is just that it's been a good, long while since I felt this way, but I'm really having trouble with this round.

Tomorrow will be an anniversary of sorts. Not a good anniversary, but a really bad one. It will have been 31 years since the rape I survived in college. I don't know if that is the primary driving factor in this round of depression, but I keep thinking if I can just get through tomorrow things will begin looking up. But that little voice in my head says, "What if they don't?" And I look at that number -- 31 -- and that little voice says, "That was a long time ago. Let it go." (with apologies to the "Frozen" fans -- but that song has just about done me in!)

As I've said before, traumatic events such as rape and sexual abuse -- abuse of any kind -- leave deep, lasting scars. I don't choose to be depressed. I feel guilty for having these feelings. I know how good my life is now. I know the blessings in my life. I know that so many people are suffering right now, and I'm not. And yet, none of that knowledge seems to knock out the depression.

I can give some rational explanations for the depression and its annual visit -- most of the abuse occurred in the summer; that rape in college caused a lasting rift in close relationships that lingers to this day impacting daily choices and conversations; there are a lot of things that I'll simply never have answers to about all of the abuse. But the fact is rational doesn't do much good against recurring depression. Sometimes I just feel really stupid and slow that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not a bad person . . . bad things were done to me. I feel as if everyone else looks at me and thinks, "Sheesh, is she still struggling with that?!" 

So once more I make a plan. I write out a doable to-do list. I drink hot tea and listen to music. I wait for my best friend to get here and help me implement my list. I think about the upcoming trip dh and I have planned. And I try really hard to be happy instead of depressed. 

But here's the funny thing. I went and Googled "depression quotes" and as I read through them, they made me mad. All that angst and whining. And I do feel better for having read those silly quotes, maybe because they got me out of my own head for a little while, and maybe because I realize I'm not the only one in this struggle. All those perfect people out there probably aren't as perfect as I think they are. 

So here's to summertime blues and the need to feel my way through them to get to the other side. I'm pretty sure that's why God gave me beaches!

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

(with special thanks to MLH)

Hands

He reaches out for me and I feel refreshed. A hug. A pat on the back. The pressure of her hand on mine. 

That touch of care and tenderness. I'm not sure tenderness can be expressed without touching. Words just don't send the same message. Nothing like the touch of a hand. And I crave those feelings.

After all the years and episodes of "bad touches" you'd think I'd shy away from physical contact, but I don't. I want it so desperately, but am so afraid of what might come with it. But I'm learning that most of the hands reaching out to me these days are hands filled with love and hope and healing.

I'm still not totally comfortable with receiving what those hands offer, but I want it so badly! So if I cringe or flinch, don't misunderstand. It's not that I don't want it. I'm just still programmed to assume it may hurt. 

linking up with Five Minute Friday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . June 3, 2014

Outside my window . . . 73* and overcast. It sure looks like rain.

I am thinking . . . about a conversation my dh and I had last night about healing and anger. Interesting thoughts and ideas.

I am thankful . . . for peace and quiet this morning. I am all alone in the house for the first time in a long time and it is lovely!

In the kitchen . . . 4 Bean Enchiladas last night. Tonight I'm thinking about salad.

I am wearing . . . my cotton gown from Vermont Country Store.

I am creating . . . flannel bears for my bestie's VBS program

I am going . . . on vacation next week to visit some family and then spend a few days in Fairhope, AL at the Cabbage Patch Cottage

I am wondering . . . about attachment theory and externalization. See what happens when your husband is in grad school?

I am reading . . . The Salt Garden by  Cindy McCormick Martinusen. It's a re-read from several years ago. I remember really liking it.

I am looking forward to . . . getting my summer routine established. Not sure what it's going to look like, but I know I need more routine than I've got right now.

I am hearing . . . peace and quiet. Except for the thoughts whirring in my head.

Around the house . . . the den is in disarray. We sold our old sofa and coffee table on Sunday and are awaiting the new items' delivery in 2 weeks!

I am praying . . . for guidance on some questions I'm wondering about right now.

One of my favorite things . . . is feeling happy. Or at least content. Both have been in short supply of late, and I'm working on getting my mojo back.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . nothing terribly pressing, so I'm still trying to acclimate to the new summer work/class schedules for everyone.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

latest addition to the hedgehog collection

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Yoga and Tears

Last week was tough. Saturday morning my husband and I went to yoga class together. I was struggling with sadness, low self-esteem, worthlessness. All the classic signs that summer is upon me.

He introduced me to the teacher when we got there, and I told her I have PTSD so if she was planning on touching me during savasana to please whisper to me beforehand. She agreed.

I organized myself in the back of the room. The class was quite full, but everyone was chatty and pleasant. Looking around the room I could tell that all levels of skill were present. Val started the class and I could tell right away I was going to like her style. And she played good music.

I got absorbed in the poses. Successful in most of them. My body remembering asanas I hadn't done in a long time. Slowly we moved into savasana -- final relaxation. I always joke and say that this is the reason I do yoga. That 5 minutes of total relaxation is bliss.

This time I knew she was coming around to offer soothing touching. I crave it, but I fear it as well. I heard her step next to me as she bent over to soothe my neighbor. Shortly after that she whispered in my ear, "I'm here", and moved to my feet. She rubbed and massaged them, and I felt the tears. I fought hard to suppress them. I don't know why. A knee-jerk reaction, I suppose. How do I explain tears from a foot massage?

She moved on to the next person, and I continued to fight the tears and question them. Why am I crying? Is this just attention seeking? What is wrong with me?

After a few final stretches, class ended and I, keeping my head down to hide the tears, packed up my gear. My husband came to check on me. I apologized. He asked why I was apologizing. Our usual dance. He left to gather his gear.

A couple of others in the class checked on me. I tried to assure them I would be fine. They offered comments and support -- but I didn't want to to explain the specifics to these kind strangers.

Val came and hugged me. She invited me back to class. 

I have a love/hate relationship with yoga. I love the way my body feels during and after class. I love that I connect with my body -- recognizing skill and power and strength. But I never know when all that peace, quiet, and relaxation will open the door to the feelings that stay just below the surface in my brain. I know it's good to release the salty tears, just as it's good to release the salty sweat -- but it seems less acceptable.

But I find myself craving that release again this morning. And I am reminded of a quote --

“The cure for anything is salt water….sweat, tears or the sea.”

~ Isak Dinesen, pseudonym of Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke