Kindness Counts

Write 31 Days Day #4

There is so much hurt in this world but it's intensified when it hits the ones you love! Be kind. Put others first. Apply the golden rule.

None of this seems difficult to me. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble with other people who struggle with kindness. I struggle with other things, but kindness seems to come naturally to me. I forget that we all have different skills and gifts.

My kids (yes, they are 27 and 24, but they'll always be kids) got hurt last night. Emotionally. There was no reason for it to happen except one person forgot to be kind. 

I can take being kicked around. I've had lots of practice, but don't go after my kids! Not much makes me angry (my therapist would like it if more things did!) but you go after my kids and Mama Bear shows up fast and furious!

I haven't done anything I regret, yet. I can't promise I won't though. 

We're missing the gift of kindness a lot more in this world of late. There's a book I read years ago, A Short Course in Kindness that I come back to time and time again. The subtitle is a little book on the importance of love and the relative unimportance of just about everything else. I'm thinking about buying it in bulk so I can hand out copies to random people. 

The guy who flipped me off in traffic today. The people who post on social media who just have to be right regardless of the cost to another person. Most of the people in politics and the media. The one person who hurt my kids.

I can't really afford to do that and there's no way to make someone read it, let alone understand and apply the lessons. So I'm back to one person at a time. Trying to show kindness even to those who are unkind. Finding that balance I see as taking the high road while not becoming a doormat. 

I've heard the saying Pretty is as pretty does my whole life. Maybe I'll start a new saying -- Kind is as kind does.

Blessings!

 

One Person at a Time

Write 31 Days #3

Maybe it's just a personal choice, not a one-size-fits-all? Find what works for you and do that, while being kind and compassionate toward ALL. Trying to turn everything into a soundbite or hashtag is part of the problem. Life, Christianity, and politics are multi-layered ideas and issues. Assume the best and treat everyone with respect. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I wrote these words the other day in response to an article from Patheos.com entitled WWSD (What Would Satan Do): A New Grassroots Movement. 

Then I woke up Monday morning to the news of more violence in Las Vegas. A friend posted about a military aircraft crash in Mississippi. Another about children harmed in Memphis. And I spent the day in divorce mediation.

Things seem quite bleak.

And yet . . .

Jesus told us (and showed us) “'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.” (Matt. 22:37-40 The Message)

All I can do is apply Jesus' teaching and example in ALL my interactions with ALL people.

I can't fix this broken world, but I can love it one person at a time.


Blessings!

linking up with Write 31 Days

Telling Stories

Write 31 Days #2

You are both the main character and narrator of your life. You may not have control over all your circumstances, but you can choose how to tell the story. 

-- Jonathan Adler

I've been asked to tell my story. Again. 

In reality, a friend offered me the opportunity to participate in a study and the form begins with "Please tell your story". 

Let me start by saying I hate the word "story" in this context. Adler's quote resonates with me because of its truth, but that doesn't mean I have to like his choice of "story". 

"Story" implies fiction to me, and I've  spent far too many years trying to convince myself of the veracity of my memories to let them be written off as a "story" at this point in my journey. Semantics. But I do get caught up in words.

I've used humor frequently when sharing my experiences, which is perverse given that there is nothing humorous about any of it. We all have our coping mechanisms. Humor isn't all bad, but it does create a wall around me that implies to the listener that I am fine. I am just fine. Which is not true. I am never fine when recounting my history.

Frequently I rely on what I like to call the Quick and Dirty version. Just enough detail to get the point across, but not enough to completely overwhelm my listener or reader, or to send me into fast-talking panic mode. It goes like this -- "I was sexually abused by 5 different people as a child, and raped twice as an adult." There that wasn't so hard, was it?

All of it has never been written down in one place or told in its entirety at one time. It's just too much for me to do, and I don't want to impose on anyone long enough to get it all out. It was real, real bad, okay?

Here is what is true -- I want to write it all done in excruciating detail. Every episode with every gory detail. I want someone to listen to me no matter how long it takes or how much I ramble. I want to watch them react in sadness and horror and grief. I want them to tell me it's not my fault, was never my fault. 

But there will never be enough assurances that it wasn't my fault. Not really. Because it happened, and I really don't think I'll ever completely erase the idea from my soul that I could have stopped it -- or kept it from ever starting -- or continuing. At least not this side of heaven. 

What I can do is be a listening ear or reading eyes for other people's "stories". I can keep telling my experiences as a way of reminding others that to be human is to have a need to make sense of what happens to us and around us. And it is in the telling that we make sense of our lives and connect with one another.

Blessings!

linking up with Write 31 Days

Reconnecting

Write 31 Days #1

Satan thrives on replaying our worst experiences and fears. In Never Unfriended, Lisa-Jo Baker calls it "spiritual torture" -- thoughts out of context.

Those middle of the night fears and thoughts aren't real, accurate, or true. They are jabs -- prods -- arrows from satan taking advantage of us at our most vulnerable moments. It is then that we must fight with all the tools we have assembled and practiced during the light of day when fear hides in the shadows unwilling to risk a frontal attack. Because fear prefers covert action.

I was raised in a conservative, Bible-based tradition. We memorized scripture, but it wasn't until I started trying to memorize scripture again as an adult, that I finally began to understand one of the benefits of it. As I child suffering from abuse, being judged on my ability to recite scripture was just another opportunity to fail and be judged harshly by others (whether in reality or only in my head). As an adult, memorizing scripture because I had chosen to do it, I learned the truth about memorization. It's not to impress anyone else. It doesn't make me a "better" Christian or more holy. What I found instead was the gift that memorization was to me, in my darkest moments. 

When fear clutches at me and I can respond with Jesus' words, there is no way for the fear to win. For months I have recited the Lord's Prayer after I turn off the light as I go to bed. At first, I felt I was using it as a mantra or a spell of some sorts, worrying that God would be angry with me for misusing scripture. (If that sounds a bit nutty to you, all I can say is, abuse does weird stuff to your processing skills!). Over time I came to understand that using Jesus' words, God's words, in this way are part of the gift God has provided in giving me a personal savior. Jesus experienced personal, human pain and betrayal, and so he understands my human pain and betrayal. 

There is a lot of change and challenging thinking going on in my world right now. I've been absent here for quite some time, as life made it impossible to be here. I've missed it. I've missed the opportunity to write out my thoughts and feelings. Write 31 Days is just what I've needed to get back here, for me. Unlike most of the writers in this group, I don't have a plan (I'm not very good at planned writing under the best of circumstances!), but I'm here. And I plan to be here every day for the rest of the month. 

Blessings!

linking up with Write 31 Days

Coming Soon

#write31days

blue ribbon -- an annual post

every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt. 
the first time I did it, I worried about what people would think/say.
I worried they would ask what it meant.
I worried they wouldn't ask what it meant.
I worried about what I would say.
I worried about what I wouldn't say.
each year that I have worn the blue ribbon it has become a little easier to set aside the worrying -- to expect nothing -- to be happy with a good conversation -- to set aside the discomfort of others.
it hasn't gotten any easier to have them look away though.
as I was having blood drawn at the doctor's office, the technician said, "what's your pin for?"
"april is child abuse awareness month. I am a survivor."
"oh", startled, she looked away, and I felt it again. the guilt and shame. 
what did she think of me now?
should I have kept my mouth shut?
not worn my blue ribbon?
there was no more conversation and little eye contact. she drew my blood, while I dealt with the pain of the needle in my arm and the accusation in her looking away. I was damaged goods all over again. I was at fault. I was less than.
I read a post about seeing people.
all I want is to be seen for who I am. a grown woman who is still 5 years old inside, wishing someone would intercede for me. wishing I didn't feel guilty and ashamed for others' actions.
but every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt.

(this post was originally published April 13, 2012 -- I repost it every April in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month / Child Abuse Prevention Month)

five minute friday :: abandon

abandon -- give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking)

It's been a rough 18 months for me. There have been major life changes, a lot of hurt and worry, stress, anxiety, and guilt. Maybe I'm beginning to come through on the other side.

I've had to abandon some dreams and recognize false assumptions. And that's really difficult. I can be idealistic at times. Always the optimist, I'm likely to keep giving people chances long after any reasonable person would.

I really want to believe the best of everyone. I want to believe that each person wants to improve and change as much as I do. That everyone is willing and able to work as hard as I have to overcome adversity. Optimism is a great approach to life until it becomes tainted with unrealistic expectations, and then it can lead you down some rabbit trails that will make you dizzy and sick until you acknowledge the need for a new start.

Abandoning unreality is a good thing. I tend to have a negative connotation of the word abandon, but the reality is the word is neither good nor bad. It's all about context. No, I shouldn't abandon my children or those who are truly in need. I will never abandon my faith, and there are friends that I know will never abandon me. But I can't really abandon something that was never there or is no longer there.

I'm changing my perspective on that word (because I'm all about words!) and moving forward in realistic optimism and possibility.

linking up with Five Minute Friday