Thankful Thursday #30

I am thankful for -

:: sunshine peeking through clouds

:: the quiet in my house this morning

:: God reminding me that this world is not my home

:: my personal retreat earlier in the week

:: having too much stuff

:: selling our van

:: tiny blueberry scones

:: my church family that pulls together and supports people in need

:: friends in real life and friends in the computer

:: beauty for ashes

What about you?

linking up with Grace Alone

Wordless Wednesday -- Washi tape

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Get Away Day #2

 

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . August 7, 2012

Outside my window . . . is the Cumberland Plateau

I am thinking . . . that 2 days away from the stress at home doesn't solve everything, but it is nice.

I am thankful . . . for a loving husband who provides emotional and financial support for me to take a little break.

In the kitchen . . . dh and dd did the cooking while I've been away. Apparently they ate well.

I am wearing . . . yoga pants and a new gray t-shirt for a little more sightseeing and the drive home.

I am creating . . . an improved attitude. 

I am going . . . The Fragrant Mushroom in Sparta, TN. It's a little pottery and fragrance shop that I've been to before. It's a little out of my way, but it's worth it.

I am wondering . . . how to get myself motivated on the housework.

I am reading . . . Red Hook Road by Ayelet Waldman. Sad, but I love Ms Waldman's writing.

I am looking forward to . . . trying to get a realistic plan for going forward (and yes I do realize I'm always making plans to make plans!)

I am hearing . . . Gilmore Girls on the little tv in my room.

Around the house . . . who knows -- I'm not there. I hope it's not a disaster when I get home.

I am pondering . . . the constant up and down of family relationships. Does it ever level out?

One of my favorite things . . . is driving with the top down on the Fiat.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . back to routine -- Bible study, swimming, yoga, therapy.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

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Get Away

Sunday at The Garden Inn

Boundaries

It's been a week of ups and downs, as I suppose most are. 
Monday rolled around and that meant it was the week of July 30th. I had told my extended family that I would contact their counselor to "tell my side" of the story. This is something I've done before and it's never gotten me anything but pain. However, because they were willing to talk with a different counselor, one I knew by reputation, I agreed to give it one more go. 
Alan made the appointment and it happened to fall on Wednesday, the same day I see my counselor each week. (I am not particularly proud to say that I still see a counselor once a week, but there you go, it's where I am). I was in pain (memory pain from the abuse). I was convinced on one level that this new counselor would laugh in my face -- not believe me -- judge me as a terrible person who just couldn't be satisfied. Generally pull the rug out from under me.
He didn't.
He listened as Alan gave him a quick version of the abuse. I had to ask Alan to quit detailing it, as it was creating panic and stress for me to listen to him recount it.
The counselor responded with shock, compassion, and care.
I told him of the many conversations, emails, and letters I had shared with these family members. He told me I didn't owe anyone anything. I am the victim and what I need is what's important. 
What I need I know I will not get. They are not willing or capable of being compassionate witnesses. Of taking the responsibility that is theirs. Of offering apologies and understanding. 
Here is what I need:
:: their belief that what I tell them is truth
:: acceptance that they failed to protect me
:: understanding of how hard this process is
:: acceptance that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation
:: a desire to know and carry the burden of the horrible things that were done to me
:: a willingness to accept a new relationship based on my boundaries
:: acceptance that I will never "get over it", but I am finding a way to move forward while recognizing that my past is a huge part of who I am today, and that my survival deserves honor and respect
:: understanding that it will never be the way it was before I acknowledged the abuse
So once more I will attempt to write and explain the abandonment and betrayal I have felt and still feel. I will try to explain why it is impossible for me to believe anything these people say to me because they do not follow through with action. I will try to explain how their reactions have re-injured me and cause continuing pain and suffering.
But I will do it so I can say it is done, not because they will understand or change.

Blessings!

The Conflict Sprint

I hate conflict, but lately that's where I've been living. 

Extended family issues. A recurrent theme, but I feel we are on the cusp of something big and different now. Choices are on the line. It's the last tango and I'm pretty sure it's going to be rocky and end badly.

Big conflict always leads to smaller conflict. I get stressed about the big stuff, and just want everyone else to handle their stuff while I get mine straightened out. Real life doesn't work that way.

So I'm taking my big stuff and getting the hell out of Dodge for a few days, while leaving everyone here to handle their little stuff.

linking up at Write on Edge