The Slap

I've been letting God redeem my childhood for the past several years. It's been a hard battle, but well worth the struggle.

Yesterday I addressed another episode from my past and I made some headway. The incident occurred a few years after the primary abuser had left my life, and before the last abuser's appearance. 

I was probably 10 or 11 years old, and yet there are aspects of the event that I remember so clearly. The heat on my face following the slap. The effort it took to keep my hand from flying up and slapping her face back. My immediate concern of what other's would think. And that recurring vision of myself as stupid, clumsy, and inept. 

Being slapped is supremely humiliating and demeaning. I wonder sometimes if that's why women use slaps as often as they do. It serves a dual purpose -- causing pain and humiliation simultaneously. With my history being slapped raised all kinds of red flags and triggers. I was shocked and terrified. I had thought I was finished with being the victim. I had thought I was safe at school -- in public. I had thought I had nothing to fear in this current environment. I was wrong. Again.

After the slap, climbing into my mother's car to go home, I felt much the same as I had after much more intense episodes. I was hot and sweating. I felt disconnected and disoriented. I wasn't sure how this had happened, nor did I understand why the attacker was not being reprimanded. What I did know was there was no point in telling. She would deny the slap, and somehow turn it around and make it my fault. It was -- as always -- a no win situation.

Looking back on it now it's easy to see these correlations. To see connections and logical reactions that were not readily available to me at the time. 

And I realize I hold an inordinate amount of anger and hate toward this person. Anger and hate that only hurt me at this point. That's why I'm dragging it all out now, all these years later. It's not about retribution. It's about healing. It's about not letting "them" hurt me anymore. It's about not being their tool to continually inflict pain on me. 

So I'm asking God to lead me. To show me where He wants me to go. And I'm trusting that He'll keep walking with me, redeeming the days.

linking up with imperfect prose

{TH}read

Lately I've been catching up on my "Real Simple" reading

as well as reading a novel on my Kindle,

Storm Front by Jim Butcher

and I'm crafting with yarn

making new pot holders

and starting a new corner to corner afghan

linking up with {TH}read

My Happy Place

see more at Wordless Wednesday and Wordless Wednesday Bloggers

Morning :: Afternoon :: Evening

::Morning::

::Afternoon::

::Evening::

linking up with The Simple Woman

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . July 16, 2013

Outside my window . . . the sky is robin's egg blue. It's 75 degrees. And my "flower" bed needs some serious help!

I am thinking . . . about the blessing of lifted of depression. I'm off the antibiotics and finally feeling like myself again.

I am thankful . . . for the healthy arrival of my cousins' baby, Lilly, last Thursday.


In the kitchen . . . last night was ham and cheese quiche and cranberry orange muffins.

I am wearing . . . my favorite gown from NorthStyle

I am creating . . . a new gown for myself. I'm using a sheet from my FIL's house. When I was a kid my mom used to make play clothes and loungewear out of sheets, so I must be repeating history. I told a friend what I was doing. She was horrified, until she saw the sheet and the pattern, and now she thinks it's kind of cool.

I am going . . . to the grocery story today, and then come back home to do wifely things.

I am wondering . . . about ungrounded fears I have. I work on positive self-talk, but I also ask "Why?" A LOT!

I am reading . . . Storm Front (The Dresden Files, Book 1) by Jim Butcher and still listening to The Girl with No Shadow by Joanne Harris.

I am looking forward to . . . my next yoga lesson on Thursday. I had my first private lesson last week and I've been doing morning and evening poses each day. I know it is helping my mood and sleep.

I am hearing . . . the dishwasher running and dd chatting as she gets ready for her long day of internship and school.

Around the house . . . I need to do some dusting, but otherwise things are looking quite nice. (Except for the ping pong table -- the bane of my existence as is seems to be where everything lands!)

I am praying . . . for 3 friends who lost their mothers over the weekend, and the daughter of a friend who is suffering from an eating disorder.

One of my favorite things . . . is candles burning. I have a new one in the kitchen, and my son's friend said the house smells like waffle cones. 

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . menu planning, grocery shopping, yoga, date night, crocheting, sewing, reading, and maybe a trip to the pool. Good summer activities.

Here are pictures for thought I am sharing . . . 

a new project I'm working on

corner to corner afghan

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Bananas Foster Upside Down Cake

My son turned 20 last week. I wanted to bake something special for him and since he loves Bananas Foster Ice Cream, I thought I'd look for a cake for him. Sure enough I ran across this one that looked yummy, and is baked in an iron skillet -- and you all know how I feel about my iron skillet!

So, with his approval, I set about baking it on the afternoon of his birthday. He and his friend came in while I was putting it together and asked a plethora of questions. Was I cooking it on top of the stove? What all goes in the batter? (A question I dreaded from my son as the cake calls for sour cream, as he does not like sour cream.) His friend and I convinced him he'd never taste the sour cream.

The cake was a hit! I would have enjoyed it more straight out of the oven, as I felt the bananas were a bit chewy, but I had no complaints from son and his friends.

It might make a better coffee cake than dessert, and next time I may try mashing the bananas into the batter. It wouldn't make as pretty a presentation, but I could avoid the chewy banana issue.

Ingredients

1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup butter, softened and divided
1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
2 tablespoons rum OR 2 teaspoons rum extract + 4 teaspoons water
2 ripe bananas
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose baking mix OR homemade baking mix
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Preparation
1. Preheat oven to 350°. Bake pecans in a single layer 8 to 10 minutes or until toasted and fragrant, stirring once.
2. Melt 1/4 cup butter in a lightly greased 10-inch cast-iron skillet or 9-inch round cake pan (with sides that are at least 2 inches high) over low heat. Remove from heat; stir in brown sugar and rum.
3. Cut bananas diagonally into 1/4-inch-thick slices; arrange in concentric circles over brown sugar mixture. Sprinkle pecans over bananas.
4. Beat granulated sugar and remaining 1/4 cup butter at medium speed with an electric mixer until blended. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating just until blended after each addition. Add milk and next 2 ingredients; beat just until blended. Beat in baking mix and cinnamon until blended. (Batter will be slightly lumpy.) Pour batter over mixture in skillet. Place skillet on a foil-lined jelly-roll pan.
5. Bake at 350° for 40 to 45 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in skillet on a wire rack 10 minutes. Run a knife around edge to loosen. Invert onto a serving plate, spooning any topping in skillet over cake.


Inspired by Louis deLaunay of Grapevine, Texas, Southern Living
NOVEMBER 2011

Happy eating!

linking up with Made by You Monday

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.