So what's different this year? In some ways nothing. Nothing's been resolved, but I don't seem to be struggling with the emotions in the same way. I still want to make everyone come to a happy agreement on everything . . . I just realize, now, it's not going to happen. Working on those expectations is tough stuff.
I interact with family members as infrequently as possible. I know they are annoyed and possibly even hurt, but I also know there is nothing I can do to fix it. I know that I am healthier for the choices I have made.
I'd still like to have that Norman Rockwell family, where people are kind to each other, believing and supporting one another through difficult times, and providing an open and honest exchange of ideas. It's just not going to happen with these people in this lifetime.
I send them informative emails about things they need to know. I even occasionally send an email just to check on them. They send me notice of their travel plans, and whose died recently that I might want to know about. Sometimes there's a tone in their emails, but I try to keep mine strictly factual -- no sarcasm, accusations, or snarkiness. Just the facts, ma'am.
The one remaining constant though, is a deep and abiding sadness. Sadness about the events that brought me to these choices. Sadness that I don't have that Norman Rockwell (of Hallmark, if you prefer) family. Sadness that it can't be fixed to my liking, and maybe a tinge of guilt, still. I know it's not my fault, but if only, if only . . .
linking up with Writer's Workshop
