Day 14 of 31

Do you ever see themes or patterns in your life without even looking for them?

I've been working on the "monster" abuser lately, and I keep seeing things that speak to me about it all.

Yesterday the hubs and I watched an episode of "Sherlock" -- yes, it's another BBC series (and it's wonderful!). This one was "The Hounds of the Baskerville". If you haven't been following this series (infinitely superior to its American counterpart, "Elementary") the premise is Sherlock in the present.

I realized as I sat watching the story unfold in a modern setting, that it was validating my current realizations. We see what we expect to see. Children mold unfathomable situations into something they can make sense of -- in my case, an abuser became a Saturday matinee movie monster. It's the only frame of reference I had. It doesn't make me crazy. We all use what we have around us and inside of us to try and make sense of the things we see and experience. Even Sherlock began to doubt himself in "The Hounds" because what he was "seeing" didn't make sense in his context.

If the great Sherlock Holmes can doubt himself and come out on the other side, maybe I can too.

Day 12 of 31

Facebook status update this morning:

Tough memories, a fall, costochondritis, steroids, bruising from said fall, and a thunderstorm do NOT make for a good night of sleep! There will be lots of "morning" tea today.

That's my week in a nutshell.

I shared a little yesterday about the tough memories. The fall was on Wednesday afternoon. My daughter and I went to the grocery for some dinner supplies. We were chatting and walking. I thought I was on the ramp portion of the sidewalk, but only my right foot was, so my left foot hit the edge of the sidewalk, and as my grandfather used to say, it was all over but the shouting. I fell hard on my left hip. Luckily my purse took the brunt of the aggregate sidewalk. 

Falling as an adult is just embarrassing. I know it shouldn't be. I know normal people fall all the time (they do, right?). My daughter just looked at me and said, "Oh, honey". Such a good Southern girl. There was a woman walking out with the bag boy pushing her cart of groceries. She expressed deep concern -- asking if I was hurt, putting items back in my purse, and helping me to my feet. I really appreciated her help, but I just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened. 

I'm okay except for the lovely bruise on my left hip and the few items that got broken in my purse when I landed on it.

I've had this happen before. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) leads to clumsiness for some of us. I can chart stress by injuries from things like this. (A friend who also has PTSD reminded me of this and it made me feel better about the fall.)

Then there's the costochondritis. An inflammation of the cartilage in my ribs and sternum. A common ailment (so says my doctor) often found in teenagers. At least that part made me feel better. So now I'm on a round of steroids, which could lead to irritability or manic energy. Oh yay!

About 3 AM we got hit with an apocalyptic-sounding storm that lasted until about 6 AM. So I was awake off and on between pain, thunder, and lightening (and a few frightening memories/images thrown in for good measure).

I have had my first stiff drink of the day (i.e., English Breakfast Tea with lots of demerara sugar and a splash of milk), and my first dose of steroids. And yes, I'm cranky this morning.

But on the up side, it is Friday, and my dear hubs doesn't have a class tomorrow. I'm thinking a trip to Cheekwood to see the scarecrow display might be in order!

(Lisa-Jo reminded me to write even when I don't feel like it.)

Day 11 of 31

Have you seen the BBC show "Jekyll"?

My son and I are BBC addicts. I don't know what it is -- maybe it's the accent -- but we gravitate toward BBC shows on Netflix.

This past weekend my son introduced me to "Jekyll". It is not for the faint of heart. The basic premise of the show is similar to the novel, but with a twist, Jekyll and Hyde communicate via pocket recorder and  an assistant/keeper of sorts.

The show got me thinking about what we as a society teach about abusers and bad guys in general. We warn kids about "stranger danger", when in reality the person most likely to molest a kid is someone they know and trust -- a coach, a mentor, a troop leader, a minister, an uncle (or aunt). We do this because we want our kids to grow up believing they can control things. They are safe if they stay on guard, and that's simply not true.

Every person who abused me was someone I knew. Someone my parents knew and trusted. They all went to church and held jobs and lived in nice houses. 

The scariest thing about "Jekyll" is that there is so little physical difference in Jekyll and Hyde, but their characters are poles apart. Yes, it's fiction, but reality is like that too.

I have always referred to one abuser in particular as a monster. No one would think him a monster to see him on the street. He had a nice easy smile, charming demeanor, and good looks. The boy next door. But when he became an abuser, he was terrifying. A monster with claws for hands, elongated teeth, and a gaping mouth rushing to devour me.

Maybe that's why I find such comfort in these quotes:

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." Joseph Conrad

Fairy tales do not teach children that dragons exist. They already know they do. Fairy tales teach children that dragons can be killed. -- C.K. Chesterton

They take the onus off of me and place the blame directly where it belongs -- on the abusers, the evildoers, the monsters.