Intentionality

yesterday brought a surprise, and not a good one. a flashback from the abusive years. over time these have become less and less frequent -- wonderful! the downside of the infrequency is how hard they hit me now because they are so unexpected. 


flashbacks come in a variety of ways -- sometimes they are full blown, technicolor films of events; sometimes they are a single scene; and sometimes they are just a hint. a smell, a word, a sound, a feeling. yesterday's was more of the hint variety.


i was driving down the road letting my mind wander while listening to my new cd, Dance of the Renaissance (wonderful, by the way) when the word "numbers" popped into my head. a random word to be sure, but not a word that one usually connects with terror. terror is what I felt. I've come to accept that randomness is just the tip of the iceberg with flashbacks. I went into self talk immediately -- it's not your fault, you are not causing this to happen, in time we'll figure it out, nothing bad is happening now. remarkably it does help.


I finished running my errand, and when I got home I jotted a few notes down about the flashback. my initial desire is always to shove it aside; bury it; disregard it. the problem is those approaches don't work. writing about what is running through my head does help, just as talking does, but oh how I fight it!


yesterday all I could write was this:

5

8

12

15

bad numbers

water?

chicken coop?

Janet?

don't want to go there!

not much to go on really, but a start at getting it out. later as I talked with Alan about it the terror, judgment and humiliation began to subside a bit. this morning as I talked with my therapist, they lessened again.

so what does any of this have to do with intentionality? quite a bit actually.

"Intentionality is the aboutness or directedness of mind (or states of mind) to things, objects, states of affairs, events." (http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/consciousness-intentionality/#IntDirConSatCon)

I have found that I must be intentional when dealing with flashbacks or they can take over my life. so today I made an intentional plan on dealing with the latest episode. life gets in the way of dealing with the past all too often. right now there isn't enough time to devote to working on this flashback the way I'd like to. so instead my therapist suggested taking time each day to affirm what I know to be true and in my best interest until I have the time to address the issue.

today I choose --

:: to not have memory pain, because I don't have to

:: to not have intrusive thoughts

:: to recognize that I have a plan in place

:: to not have to feel terror, judgment or humiliation

:: to honor myself

:: to be kind to myself

:: to trust myself

:: to allow myself to comfort me in healthy positive ways

:: to remember that God is big enough to hold on to this stuff as long as I need Him to

intentionality is hard for most us. abuse survivors may have it a little worse, though. there was no time for intentionality when the abuse was ongoing, nor did I have the experience, maturity or knowledge to apply it. it was fight or flight. try to stay alive. try to figure out the next move or what set him/her off this time. all efforts to gain control of an uncontrollable situation.

now, though, intentionality gives me that control. I like that.

Wordless Wednesday -- This and That

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . November 15, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is cloudy and rainy. We are back into a relatively warm weather pattern. Last night at 9:00 it was 71 degrees (F)!

I am thinking . . . that pancakes were an excellent choice for breakfast this morning!

I am thankful . . . for feeling better! Yesterday was the first almost normal day I've had in weeks! Praise God!

From the learning rooms . . . ds missed two days of school last week with a cold, so we are in "make-up" mode around here.

In the kitchen . . . last night was baked bruschetta chicken, baked potatoes and lima beans. I am always amused at how my children can profess that there is nothing in the house to eat, and yet I can cook a delicious, well balanced meal without every leaving.

I am wearing . . . my nightgown and summer weight robe with my blue fake crocs.

I am creating . . . a wonderful crochet bag to carry my crochet projects in! Attic 24 has the most adorable bag/pattern.

I am going . . . . to work on my scuba skills this afternoon at the pool. I am really having trouble mastering clearing my mask under water. I tend to panic and get water up my nose which makes it very hard to blow out through my nose!

I am wondering . . . why reading has been so unappealing to me lately. I wonder if it's because I've been sick and on antibiotics. Sometimes reading is the hardest thing for me to do when I am sick.

I am reading . . . still reading Wicked by Gregory Maguire.

I am hoping . . . to get the menus and grocery shopping done today. I'm not really feeling the cooking mojo. I think it has to do with everybody's schedules being so wonky and the unusually warm weather we've been having.

I am looking forward to . . . getting some writing done, hopefully today.

I am hearing . . . doggies trotting around the house.

Around the house . . . the laundry is just about caught up! Now if only I could say the same for the ironing.

I am pondering . . . . whether or not to list some of my crochet projects on my etsy site. My site is Lucy's Beads and Prayers. Typically I carry Anglican rosaries and prayer strands, although I have listed a few prayer shawls. Any thoughts?

One of my favorite things . . . is my computer. I connect with LOTS of people, and I find it easier to express myself in writing. Plus there's a lot less judgment this way!

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . shopping, cleaning, therapy, Bible study, and a dentist appointment on Friday. I hope to complete my enclosed water skills on Saturday for scuba, but only if I can master this mask thing!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

the beginning of my Attic 24 crochet bag 

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Autumnal Shawl

Here is the completed Autumnal Shawl pattern in Naturally Caron Spa.

I made a few alterations in the pattern for sizing. I used rose bisque, misty taupe and naturally -- 2 skeins of rose and 1 each of taupe and naturally, along with the recommended 4 mm hook.

I love the feel of this yarn! It is a bamboo/acrylic blend.

head over to Made by You Mondays at Skip to My Lou to see more.

Saturday Poetry -- In Flanders Fields

In honor of all who have served . . . 

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow 

Between the crosses row on row, 

That mark our place; and in the sky 

The larks, still bravely singing, fly 

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago 

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, 

Loved and were loved, and now we lie 

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe: 

To you from failing hands we throw 

The torch; be yours to hold it high. 

If ye break faith with us who die 

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow 

In Flanders fields.

--John McCrae

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

Thankful Thursday

Today we find out intrepid homemaker on the mend from yet another indelicate infection. 

If it seems I've talked about infections/antibiotics frequently over the past few months . . . well, it's because I have. While I'm still not positive what is going on, I have made some decisions and choices that I hope will impact a change for the better.

Being repeatedly or chronically ill really makes days like Thankful Thursday so meaningful. It's so easy to fall into the routine of "rut gratitude" -- Thank you for my house, my family, my car, my money, etc. Oh and thanks for giving Your Son to save me from my puny self. Not that I'm not grateful for all those things, but my attitude needs an adjustment!

I don't know if God "causes" illness or disasters or tragedies, but I do know that He can take anything and turn it to something good. This latest bout of illness had left me swirling back into a depressive state; regressing into the belief that no one could be trusted and they (i.e., my family in particular) were angry with me for being ill. It made perfect sense to me, but that's another legacy of abuse -- trying to read minds while assuming the worst. It turns out, they're not mad at me. They are sorry I feel so rotten and they wish the doctors would figure out what is going on, but mostly they miss me -- happy mom/wife who wants to cook and bake and make things nice, yes, but also fun mom/wife who laughs and wants to go and do things. My dd said she missed her "fun buddy". 

So for today, I'm thankful for:

 -- feeling better physically

 -- realizations about truth

 -- a family that's not judgmental, but loves me and wants the best for me

and for a God who loves ME so much that He sent His one and only Son to suffer and die, because God wants ME to be with Him!

may you find grace, peace, gratitude, 

and blessings this day and every day

to link up go to Women Taking a Stand