Boundaries

It's been a week of ups and downs, as I suppose most are. 
Monday rolled around and that meant it was the week of July 30th. I had told my extended family that I would contact their counselor to "tell my side" of the story. This is something I've done before and it's never gotten me anything but pain. However, because they were willing to talk with a different counselor, one I knew by reputation, I agreed to give it one more go. 
Alan made the appointment and it happened to fall on Wednesday, the same day I see my counselor each week. (I am not particularly proud to say that I still see a counselor once a week, but there you go, it's where I am). I was in pain (memory pain from the abuse). I was convinced on one level that this new counselor would laugh in my face -- not believe me -- judge me as a terrible person who just couldn't be satisfied. Generally pull the rug out from under me.
He didn't.
He listened as Alan gave him a quick version of the abuse. I had to ask Alan to quit detailing it, as it was creating panic and stress for me to listen to him recount it.
The counselor responded with shock, compassion, and care.
I told him of the many conversations, emails, and letters I had shared with these family members. He told me I didn't owe anyone anything. I am the victim and what I need is what's important. 
What I need I know I will not get. They are not willing or capable of being compassionate witnesses. Of taking the responsibility that is theirs. Of offering apologies and understanding. 
Here is what I need:
:: their belief that what I tell them is truth
:: acceptance that they failed to protect me
:: understanding of how hard this process is
:: acceptance that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation
:: a desire to know and carry the burden of the horrible things that were done to me
:: a willingness to accept a new relationship based on my boundaries
:: acceptance that I will never "get over it", but I am finding a way to move forward while recognizing that my past is a huge part of who I am today, and that my survival deserves honor and respect
:: understanding that it will never be the way it was before I acknowledged the abuse
So once more I will attempt to write and explain the abandonment and betrayal I have felt and still feel. I will try to explain why it is impossible for me to believe anything these people say to me because they do not follow through with action. I will try to explain how their reactions have re-injured me and cause continuing pain and suffering.
But I will do it so I can say it is done, not because they will understand or change.

Blessings!

The Conflict Sprint

I hate conflict, but lately that's where I've been living. 

Extended family issues. A recurrent theme, but I feel we are on the cusp of something big and different now. Choices are on the line. It's the last tango and I'm pretty sure it's going to be rocky and end badly.

Big conflict always leads to smaller conflict. I get stressed about the big stuff, and just want everyone else to handle their stuff while I get mine straightened out. Real life doesn't work that way.

So I'm taking my big stuff and getting the hell out of Dodge for a few days, while leaving everyone here to handle their little stuff.

linking up at Write on Edge

Here

Here is supposed to be the place of calm and acceptance.
Here is home.
But what if everything inside of you is so tangled, that even here there is no peace, no calm, no feeling of acceptance?
Right now here is not where I long to be.
Right now I'm holding out for Sunday when I get to go there. All the tangle will go with me, but all the people won't.
I'm going there with the hope of untangling some of the stuff inside of me, so that when I come back to my people here I can be fully present -- living in the moment with them. Feeling peace and calm and acceptance.
Here is where my true family is. My husband of nearly 27 years. My daughter of 22 who is a senior in college and will be moving out and into her own life soon. My son of 19 who leaves for college in just a few weeks.
Here is my port in the storms of life, but lately I can't seem to keep the storms from hitting this little port. So I'm taking my storm away from here for just a little break, and hoping to bring some sunshine back to the people I love here.

linking up at 5 minute friday

Thankful Thursday #29

Today I'm thankful that yesterday is over.

Sometimes I look at my life in comparison to others' and wonder why I have such a difficult time.

Recently I've written about a lifelong friend who received that devastating cancer diagnosis (read more here). I have 2 other friends who are battling cancer, and this past weekend another friend had a lake accident that could have left her paralyzed. Blessedly she is recuperating from her 8 hours surgery and seems to be making good progress, but she has a long road ahead of her.

I am so sympathetic to these people. I am so impressed by their ability to handle their struggles with such grace, faith, and even humor.

Not so much me.

I feel as if I've been fighting a battle all summer and I'm tired and I want it to go away or at the very least end the way I want it to end.

Yesterday was another visit with another professional who gave me the same news I've been getting for months. This can't be fixed.

I know this intellectually. I even know it in my heart. The problem is it just makes me so sad and confused.

I will never have the relationship with these people that I crave; that I deserve. And they are missing out on so much while blaming me.

So today I'm thankful for my gracious heavenly Father who listens to my constant struggles and forgives me for being a slow learner.

I am thankful for my husband who is constantly at my side, helping along.

I am thankful for encouragement from others that I am not a crazy person, I just have some crazy-making people in my life.

But mostly I am thankful and praising God for the good news 2 of my friends received regarding their cancer and for the successful surgery on my other friend's back. I continue to ask that you lift up my friend, Sara, as I fear she may be losing her battle.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

linking up with Grace Alone

Easy Writing

I have difficulty expressing my deepest feelings verbally. I don't think well on my feet as a rule, but what I have found over the years, is how much easier it is to put those deep thoughts and emotions into writing.
I write most days. It used to be journaling to control the vortex of memories. Now it's more blogging about how I've traversed this path to healing. 
I just start writing and let it flow. There's not much planning or preparation, and even less editing (hence all the typos!). I find that if I over-think it I mess it up.
Now it goes against my nature to admit that anything comes easily to me. It's that pride thing. Someone will surely come along and pull the rug out from under me, proving that I'm wrong. And lets be clear, I'm not saying that I write remarkable, life altering prose -- well maybe not for anyone else, but most of it is therapeutic for me. 
So there's no real rhyme or reason to how I write. 
Why I write is another issue altogether. I write to remember who I am. What I'm worth. And to honor myself for having survived.
And if that makes me vain, selfish, or self-centered, I can live with that.

linking up at Mama Kat's

:: ten things

SouleMama reminded me yesterday of the benefit of looking for ten things that are bringing me joy right now.
So here are my ten, in no particular order:
1. My son playing his guitar, while talking one his phone, and looking up tabs on his computer.

2. My new Fiat 500c convertible. It just makes me happy tooling around town in it.

3. My daughter taking care of a run to the grocery store with NO LIST and doing a fabulous job.


4. Finding a time and place for a little solo get away. Coming up soon!The Garden Inn
5. New yarn! I know I haven't used up all I've got, but I simply couldn't resist.


6. These yummy granola bars that took no time at all to make.

7. This series in USA Today, by my lifelong friend. He is dealing with colon cancer with grace and humor, and sharing it all weekly in 
My Semicolon Life.


8. These baskets I found at Whole Body and here at The Blessing Basket Project.

9. This fabric from Monaluna called fox hollow! Unbelievably cute and adorable. I don't know what to do with it, but I think I'm going to have to have some of it.


10. The Leakey Collection: Beads for Learning. What a great idea for gifts that give twice. I've been wearing mine since I ran across it in the bookstore TN Tech University last week.


As SouleMama says: And you?? What are ten things bringing you joy right in this moment? Write it down, say it out loud, photograph it, or share it with those you love...

Wordless Wednesday

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday