Bad Dream/Good Dream

This morning I had a dream. It was not a good dream. It made me realize some fears linger long after the reality is gone.

I dreamed I went to my usual counseling appointment. When I got there a different person called me into the office. It was a man I'd never met before. I asked where my  regular counselor was, and he gave a really lame excuse. Add to that my mother and sister were waiting in the room for me. 

I asked the counselor if he'd read my file, or if I needed to give him a little background. The whole time I'm thinking this is pointless, and why are they here. He "assured" me that he was familiar with my "case". 

The other people in the room began talking and he was nodding his head in agreement with them. Other people began to filter into the room putting in their two cents worth. No one was talking to me or had in interest in listening to me.

And then it happened. The counselor announced that I had made everything up. It was all in my head -- all the abuse, all the struggles to deal with the abuse. He validated the people in the room who had hurt me the most, and just kept telling me I was wrong.

But here is the good part. I stood up and yelled at them all. I began to recount episodes in detail, asking how I could have made that up. I reminded them of validation they had provided about details. I asked them why I would have done this to myself for all this time? What is my motivation? Why do I have physical pain in areas that were harmed by the abuse? 

And then I turned on my heel and walked out. I didn't consider for one moment that this new counselor was right. I knew he was wrong. I was angry and sad that he was giving the nay-sayers what they wanted to hear, but I knew he was wrong.

And that was the gift from the bad dream. In the past I would have waked up worrying that this new person was right -- that he had some knowledge that no one else has had. 

Redemption is about recovering something. I recovered a little bit of my self-worth in that dream. A little more faith in myself.

Maybe it was a good dream after all.

linking up with imperfect prose on thursdays

Happy Hedgehog

linking up with Wordless Wednesday

just write

(Warning: triggering content)

We have to pick her up from her piano lesson as we head to the house. We are celebrating my grandmother's birthday. I have on my new fall outfit -- a wool pleated skirt in gold and red, and the matching gold cable knit turtleneck sweater. 

I don't want her in our car, but all I've succeeded in doing is making my father mad with my complaints. When she gets in the car, she has to sit between my sister and me. I look out the window, trying to ignore her. She pokes me in the side, but I still won't look at her. She pinches my thigh and I gasp and look at her. She has the mean eyes. It's going to be a very bad night.

After dinner, we all go into the den for dessert. Cake and ice cream. She tells me to eat fast. She wants to go play. And I fall for it all over again. How stupid am I? When will I learn that "play" is code for "beat the s**t out of you".

We get to her bedroom and she tells me to get a purse from her closet. Do I really think this is going to be fun, or am I just so programmed at this point? It's a black shoulder bag with a chain with the leather strap running through it. She unhooks the chain/strap and wraps it around my neck. She tells me I will do what she says and be quiet about it or she will strangle me. I will die and no one will care. 

I am 7 years old. I do what I am told to do.

I was right. It's going to be a very bad night.

linking up with Just Write

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . June 4, 2013

Outside my window . . . the sky is a cloudless blue and the temperature is a lovely 64 degrees. The pollen count is, unfortunately, still incredibly high. Yellow finches are visiting my feeder, and I've got to remember to water the plants today.

I am thinking . . . about so many different things that my mind is going 90 miles a minute. I need to do some journaling to get myself centered.

I am thankful . . . for an improved mood around the house last night. We are still recovering from losing my father-in-law, and the stress has been running high.

In the kitchen . . . last night was baked salmon, steamed asparagus, and easy cheesy grits. Tonight will be steaks, baked potatoes, and broccoli salad.

I am wearing . . . still in my jammies and summer weight robe, but I'll be changing soon to meet my friend for lunch.

I am creating . . . a fabric lined crochet basket. 

Here's mine so far --

just 2 colors and I haven't picked my liner fabric yet.

I am going . . . to have to get a pedicure soon, or people are going to start running from me in fear!

I am wondering . . . about the dreams I had last night. Very strange and they included so many people from my past.

I am reading . . . Looking for Mr. Goodbar by Judith Rossner and still working on Mom in the Mirror by Dena Cabrera and Emily Wierenga.

I am looking forward to . . . lunch with my dear friend Christine, who I haven't seen in far too long.

I am hearing . . .  nothing but quiet as I type on my laptop.

Around the house . . . I think I'm making progress. I need to make a list of small things that I keep overlooking and spend an afternoon taking care of those.

I am praying . . . for a friend's father, 3 people I know who are pregnant, my children and husband.

One of my favorite things . . . is watching "Dr. Who". I've just gotten started on this (I'm only on the 2nd season, so don't spoil anything for me!). Most nights dh, dd, and I sit down and watch an episode together. We have yet to convert ds.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . lunch today, a meeting tomorrow, Thursday and Friday are looking open so I'll probably make a run to FIL's house to work some more there, and then it's the weekend again.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Easy Cheesy Grits

I'm a sucker for grits. I guess it's part of being a southern girl, but I just love grits!

Cheesy grits make such a great side dish with pork and beef. Lately I'm been doing a quick and easy version using whatever Artisan cheeses I find out our local farmers' market.

Here's the basic recipe I've been using -- 

Bring 3 cups water and 1/4 tsp. sea salt to a boil. Add 1 cup grits (I like Bob's Red Mill yellow corn grits). Reduce heat to low and stir. Gook slowly for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and stir in 2 Tbs. butter and 1 cup freshly grated cheese and a little coarse ground pepper. Cover and let stand for a couple of minutes. Stir just before serving. Makes 4 generous servings.

Happy eating!

linking up with Made by You Monday

Summer Reading Throwback

So yesterday I dropped off some books at the local used bookstore. It's a large order, so they won't have my credit available for at least a couple of weeks. Bummer! Part of the fun of dropping books off is then spending the store credit.

I checked my wallet and saw that I still had a credit, but it was only $2.22. Used books are cheap, but I wasn't going to get much for that . . . or so I thought.

I went to the general fiction paperback section and just starting perusing. Jackpot. Books I'd read in high school and college and years ago in general were cropping up for 5 and 10 and 15 cents a piece! So I started counting and running through the alphabet by authors. And this is what I came up with --

Four of them I'd read before, but that makes for relaxed reading. Good poolside material.

The other 4 are titles I've wanted to read or by Anne Rivers Siddon that I haven't read.

The other good thing about these is they are cheapy paperbacks (really cheap in this scenario) and if they get ruined at the pool, no biggie.

So in no specific order, here you go:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb -- I remember when this came out, and I just never got around to it. At a nickel it seemed like a safe bet.

The Far Pavillions by M. M. Kaye -- I read this when it first came out and I was in high school. I had a real thing for British India at the time. It will be interesting to see if I can make it through 1200 pages a second time.

Outer Banks by Anne Rivers Siddons -- This was my first encounter with Siddons. I'm a southerner, so I just relate to her. I remember loving this book when I read it. I was married with one kid and it was probably great escape lit at that point.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar by Judith Rossner -- I read this when it came out in paperback. Not sure how I ran across it, but I still remember a friend in high school being horrified that I was reading it. Murder/sex/bad language, that's all I remember.

Evergreen by Belva Plain -- another high school rerun. I think I found this one when shelving in the library one day. An early foray into historical fiction.

Islands by Anne Rivers Siddons -- I don't think I've read this, but like I said I usually like her work. 

Fox's Earth by Anne Rivers Siddons -- see above. It was .15 so I can't really complain (although that did put it on the high end!)

The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende -- Another one I remember thinking I should read, but never got to it. I haven't read much Latin American fiction. I loved Like Water for Chocolate, so I'm hoping to like this as well.

So there you have it my .70 summer reading list. I don't know if I'll get through all of them. I don't know if I'll want to get through them all, but it's got potential for fun.

Happy reading everyone!

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.