Marriage, Commitment, and Survival

We sit in the counselor's office. We talk about 28 years of marriage. We are committed to each other, to God, to the marriage. Whatever the pc term is right now. We want the same things from marriage, but we keep hitting this wall where our conversations go in circles. Where we don't truly hear what the other is saying.

We are not heading for divorce. We just aren't in a good place right now. I want to feel that he has my back in the little things, and he wants the same thing. We're good on the big stuff. He's the first person I call or run to in a storm and vice versa. But the little day to day frustrations -- not so much.

She looked at us (this very young looking counselor) and said we should be proud. We are still together. Still trying to improve. Get closer. Even after all we've been through. We, our marriage, has survived.

And she's right. We have survived, but I want more, and so does he. We don't just want to survive. We want to thrive. We want to have joy in our relationship. I don't just want commitment. I want passion and real connection.

Commitment gets you through the hard places, so don't misunderstand. I KNOW commitment is vital in a marriage. 

I said I want him to be my best friend. I want to feel that I can say anything and know it won't change the fabric of our relationship. I want him to read between the lines, correctly. And I want to read between his lines as well. 

So we talk and we share. We hurt and are frustrated. And we keep dancing this imperfect dance of marriage.

Imperfect Prose

Wordless Wednesday

(image from Facebook)

linking up with Wordless Wednesday & The Jenny Evolution

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . January 14, 2014

Outside my window . . . it's 37 degrees and sunny. MUCH better than last week's frigid 9 degrees!

I am thinking . . . about having been married for 28 years. Someone complimented Alan and me for the longevity of our marriage especially given all of the struggles we have had. Longevity isn't enough in and of itself, which is why we continue working to find better ways of communicating and supporting one another. We have definitely not arrived at perfection!

I am thankful . . . for good friends who embrace my children, and how my children embrace my friends.

In the kitchen . . . last night was salmon and leftovers from Sunday's lunch party. Tonight I'm thinking a pot of turkey chili sounds good.

I am wearing . . . all the usual gear -- cotton gown, flannel robe, and flannel slippers.

I am creating . . . 2 scarves based on Moogly's Big Rib Scarf pattern. Once I finish these I hope to start Moogly's Afghan Crochet-a-long.

I am going . . . to continue the cleaning out routine. Today's project is the craft cabinet in the bonus room. I'll try to take before and after shots.

I am wondering . . . about "communication dances". How people get into ruts and routines, and how difficult it is to change the dance even for a better method of communicating.

I am reading . . . The House of Dies Drear by Virginia Hamilton. Almost finished, and it is really good.

I am looking forward to . . . spending some time with my bestie today -- sorting and chatting.

I am hearing . . . my daughter chatting and the dogs puttering around.

Around the house . . . things are looking FABULOUS. Really I'm so excited.

I am praying . . . for many people who are struggling with various issues. I find that the more I engage with others, the fuller my prayer life becomes. 

“Prayer is not an old woman’s idle amusement. 

Properly understood and applied, 

it is the most potent instrument of action.” 

-- Ghandi

One of my favorite things . . . is feeling peace. I recognize that is a rather wide open and generic "thing", but it is true. Peace is the sensation/emotion I desire most.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . we're back in the routine -- appointment and grocery on Wednesday. Precept Bible study on Thursday. Friday is currently open. A painter/friend is coming on Saturday to give us some estimates, and Sunday we are having friends over for lunch. I haven't seen them in years and am really looking forward to catching up.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

clean closet!

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

See

Grumpy people. Angry people. Judgmental people. Critical people.

Sometimes I feel I am surrounded by them. I try to fix the situation that is causing those feelings. I take on responsibility for everyone else. 

And then God steps in and reminds me

I've heard it all my life. Don't worry. Worry is a sin. I don't intend to sin. I don't intend to worry.

So I stop and I pray. I pray to see with God's eyes. I pray to give it all to Him. I pray to really trust in Him.

Scared people. Sad people. Insecure people. Worried people.

Now I see.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

A Girl's Best Friend

This is Dahlia (daylia). She was my first ever Christmas doll. I was about 18 months old when I got her. That same Christmas, Santa brought me a little red rocking chair as well (which I still have).

My mother says that I walked right up to her, picked her up and sat down in the chair and began to rock and sing to her.

She was my constant companion. By the time I'd had her a little more than a year, we had to restuff her body, as I had loved her flat! I remember sitting in my grandparent's living room (we were living with them at the time) with my mother. She explained that she was the doctor and I was the nurse and we were going to operate on Dahlia. It was all very serious. We plumped her up with cotton balls!

For years she was half bald, because I carried her around by her hair.

Once when I was in high school, I came home from some activity to find Dahlia sitting on the mantel in a new dress. My mother had been home alone and made Dahlia some new clothes -- just because.

A few years ago I found a doll repair specialist and turned Dahlia over to her with very specific instructions. 

It was a lot like leaving a child alone at the hospital. What was I thinking? What was SHE thinking?

A couple of weeks later my husband picked her up and I dressed her in the new outfit I had bought for her.

I love her just as much now as I did that first time I saw her. She now sits at the foot of my bed with other beloved folks. She is a treasure!

(this is a repost from 10/1/10)

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Imperfect Prose

I want to have something inspiring to share today, but instead I have a lot of stress and concerns about some highly personal things. Things it would be inappropriate to share here. Things that aren't just mine. 

It's a new year. The time for fresh starts and new beginnings. The hope of getting it right this year. Clearing rubble from relationships. What I seem to be facing instead, are new and deeper layers of ick to excavate. Things keep piling on top of each other, and I can’t seem to catch a break.

This may sound like I’m complaining, but that’s not what this is about. I’m not complaining. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I keep thinking this life is meant to get easier. Develop a rhythm that is consistent and dependable. That hasn’t happened for me. And I don’t know if that’s a “me” problem or a “life” problem.

I don’t really believe my life should flow effortlessly. I recognize that the more people I know and the more fully engaged I become in life, the more opportunities there are for challenges. That being said, I’m floundering a bit right now.

I’ve written a lot about overcoming my past – the abuse. But I’m also a black/white kind of person, or as a friend of mine recently said, one extreme or the other. The question that’s been rolling around in my head lately is this – because things are difficult now, in this moment, does that negate the hard work – dare I say good work – I’ve done in the past? Does struggling now mean the previous hard work was done incorrectly, or worse yet was it pointless?

My head knows the answers to these questions. We all do the best we can at any given moment with whatever information we have. Could things have been done differently? Undoubtedly. Would it have been better or more right? Maybe. Who can say?

This is what I know today. God is with me. I must continue to see and believe that as truth. I will make mistakes in the future just as I have in the past. There are no absolutes.

So I’m asking for your prayers. For me, my husband, my kids. It’s tough when everyone is struggling simultaneously, and that’s where we are. My guess is you’ve been there, too.

Imperfect Prose is perfectly apt for me today.

Blessings.

linking up with Imperfect Prose