Turn

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

-- The Byrds

I look at where I am today, and I am reminded of the constant ebb and flow of life. I see changes everywhere.

Growth is painful, but necessary. If I'd known then what I know now 

. . . a useless endeavor.

So I'm turning in the direction of my dreams. Dreams too long put on hold. Scared and excited at the same time to be stepping out to take my turn.

As we act in the direction of our dreams, 

we are given strength and courage.

-- Julia Cameron

linking up with Five Minute Friday

12 Lines

Write a post in just 12 lines --

I've been guided by numbers since October 1st.

October was 31 days of writing and I wrote 34 posts.

November 1st started NaNoWriMo -- write 50,000 words in 30 days.

I've got 5031 words written so far.

Right now I need to write 1799 words a day to finish on time.

I've been timing myself and can usually write 300 to 500 words in 15 minutes if all goes well.

I'm not used to thinking in terms of numbers with my writing. 

I write.

I don't count.

Counting is my husband's job (he's an actuary).

But for right now, I'm counting as I write.

And hoping the words I write will count somehow.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Authentic Living

There's a lot of stress in my life right now. 

Some growing pains on the home front. I'm seeing my parents this weekend. A few news items that have triggered some bad stuff and made me angry. And then there is NaNoWriMo. I am determined to carry through. I've chatted with other NaNo writers, my husband, and my therapist about ways to work around and through the triggering the writing is setting off. But I've only written one day, so theoretically I'm behind. I've got 1385 words written and I should have more like 6800! I'm fighting the panic driven need to catch up. 

So I'm trying a new approach today. I'm going to write. No order. No outline. No plan. Free writing (more or less) for set periods of time, and see what happens. No one imagines that after 30 days this is going to publisher ready. It's a rough, rough, rough draft. It's a starting point. 

I'm also considering moving my computer to a different location for NaNo writing. Maybe a change of scenery will encourage me to see this writing as different, and give me a bit more focus.

Meanwhile I'm reading lighter material for rest and relaxation. I've still got a few projects to finish for Presents with a Purpose which is this Saturday. And I'm going to see a play with my parents on Friday night. Lots on my plate. So I'm reminding myself that working at my pace is perfectly acceptable, maybe even appropriate since I am me. No one else can set my pace for me. And I'm stopping at the top of each hour to regroup a bit. Saying the Lord's Prayer to re-center myself and remind me of my true calling.

This authentic living can be a tough act when you haven't been doing it all your life. But more and more I see the beauty and value in it. 

linking up with Just Write

Crocheting

linking up with Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . November 3, 2014

Outside my window . . . the skies are overcast and the trees are dulling out and losing their leaves.

I am thinking . . . about so many things my head may explode!

I am thankful . . . for a day with my bestie yesterday. We talked and cleaned and lunched and crafted. It was a good day.

In the kitchen . . . we had a baking bonanza last week: oatmeal raisin cookies, Pumpkin Lasagna, and apple/craisin dump cake. Ooh, and the yummy beef stew I made with leftover post roast.

I am wearing . . . a tank top, flannel robe, and my turquoise and red shawl.

I am creating . . . more goodies for Presents with a Purpose (November 8th -- The Well). I am also participating in NaNoWriMo.

I am going . . . to vote, pickup a prescription, therapy, run a couple of errands. Then I'll come home and pack lunches for RITI. Do a bit of housework, and then it's dinner with Alan and his pals from the Malaysia trip.

I am wondering . . . about getting through the tough times. Learning to be authentic and compassionate toward others at the same time.

I am reading . . . The Vicious Vet by M.C. Beaton. Number 2 in the Agatha Raisin mystery series. Quite entertaining.

I am looking forward to . . . a play this weekend -- Twain and Shaw Do Lunch 

and then Presents with a Purpose 

I am hearing . . . the hum of electricity and the wheezing of the dog.

Around the house . . . organizing and sorting paper and clutter. I hate the process, but love the results. 

I am praying . . . for my husband as he is over-scheduled right now, and for patience for me to be supportive.

One of my favorite things . . . is reading just for fun. Recently I had fallen into the belief that I had to read only "quality" material, e.g. deep, thought provoking, psychological, historical, or theological. I've returned to my beloved British cozy mysteries, and they are quite relaxing.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . so much to do! All good things, but I've probably overbooked this week -- therapy, RITI lunches, and a dinner tonight. Tomorrow a meeting with a yoga instructor. Thursday is Precepts. Friday is a haircut, dinner with my bestie, and the play with her and my parents. Saturday is Presents with a Purpose, and then back to church on Sunday. I usually more of a hermit than this week will allow!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

Dopey, one of the 7 Dorks

linking up with The Simple Woman

NaNoWriMo and PTSD

Let me start by saying, I promise every post in November will not be about NaNoWriMo, and I doubt I'll be sharing much, if any, of that writing in this space.

I wrote almost 1400 words on Saturday (11/1) and was surprised at how quickly I began to struggle with PTSD symptoms -- shaking hands, racing heart, roiling stomach. It's difficult to want to write things out, but still be so overcome with emotions while doing it. Unfortunately it also makes me question how "healed" I truly am. I think there is still a part of me that believes I will get to the point where talking about it (or writing) will not induce any emotional response -- that is how I will I know I have arrived at healing. Not very realistic. 

So the question becomes "How do I write it out without suffering from it?" I pulled out my journal from the beginning of therapy Saturday night to check some details and dates. As I began to read I was drawn into denigrating myself from that time. I shook it off and reminded myself to think kindly on this person, as I would for anyone else with a traumatic story to share. When I set the pages aside, I realized I had no idea what time or day it was. That is how quickly I fell back into the old coping mechanisms.

I reached out for help. I posted a query on the help thread at NaNoWriMo --

Okay I'm new to this whole thing. I am writing a novel/memoir based on healing from childhood sexual abuse. I REALLY want to do this, but already this morning I'm getting hit with dizziness, upset stomach, and mild panic from just beginning to write about specific episodes.

I have been blogging about this topic for 5 years, and I really want to create something more lasting that will get my story out and hopefully help others.

Here's my question: How do I pace myself and know when to take a break? I know I need to write around 1700 words a day to complete this thing. So do I break it up in smaller timed sessions and just walk away when the timer rings, or do I just keep writing even when the PTSD symptoms start to kick in?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

And these are the responses I got --

"Agh, I can't answer your questions.  But I'm suffering from the same thing, although very much milder.  So just wanted to give you a hug."

###

"My sympathies for your situation.  :'(  

I'm not sure what to offer, but I think the MOST important thing is that your mental health > NaNoWriMo. Maybe you'll be better off writing something like this over a longer period of time so it doesn't inflict too much. Remember, NaNoWriMo is just a self challenge, and if it becomes too distressing to force yourself to do it, you aren't under any obligation to carry on. 

Other than that, take breaks, and make sure you always put yourself as a priority. Maybe, if writing one scene is painful, you could switch to writing a lighter & more positive scene if you still want to make up that word count."

###

"Normally I'd not message someone in a generalized place like this site, but...  

Considering I just had to take a full dose of xanax (I prefer half) and beta blocker to get a ptsd episode under control by an accidental triggering (got to love random conversation just triggering ya out of no where, hmmm?), I can thoroughly relate to your comment about not knowing if ptsd/bouts would wreck your NaNo efforts.

###

Of course the good news is I got some caring responses. Comments that validated the same things I had been thinking. Give myself some grace. This is ultimately for my benefit, so I can set whatever rules and guidelines work in my particular case. 

Yesterday I talked with Alan about it, and he used those exact words -- Give yourself grace. He also reminded me that the writing didn't need to be primarily about the episodes of abuse. It's not a recounting of horrors, but rather about how I became who I am in spite of the abuse. He also "gave me permission" to stop and change subjects at any point. There is no need to stay with a particular arc if I need a break, but that doesn't mean I have to stop writing. Just switch gears.

Yesterday I took the day off -- one of the recommendations from other writers. Today I am setting up a way to establish a routine for getting the requisite time in to accomplish this goal. I need about 2 hours a day of writing time to get in my 1700 words a day. What I'm realizing is that for the sections specifically about the abuse, that time will need to be broken up into much smaller portions, maybe 5 to 10 minutes. But that's okay, because it's my story, my method.

I keep coming back to that Anne Lamott quote --

And that keeps me going.

NaNoWriMo 2014

I am not a novelist.

I can't write fiction. I love to read fiction, but I can't write it.

Each year the month of November is devoted to writing your novel. The goal is to write 50,000 words in one month. There's a website and Facebook page to keep you motivated. You can log your word count each day. Heck, there are even prizes. 

I've consider doing it for 3 years. THREE YEARS. 

I signed up yesterday after reading their description of "novel" -- We define a novel as “a lengthy work of fiction.” Beyond that, we let you decide whether what you’re writing falls under the heading of “novel.” In short: If you believe you’re writing a novel, we believe you’re writing a novel, too. 

Okay, so basically I can write anything I want and call it a novel for the purposes of this event. 

I did the math. It's close to 1700 words a day. Uhm -- that's a lot of words to all come from my head.

So wish me luck. I'm starting my memoir as a novel this month. I'm changing names to protect the guilty -- for the time being.

I've got 677 words so far.