{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Five Minute Friday: Roots

“Good parents give their children roots and wings.  Roots to know where their home is, and wings to fly and put into practice what they have taught them.”  

Roots

I hope I have given my children roots and wings.

I have tried.

I think I've done a good job on the wings part. Letting them know that their choices are their own, and that I respect them.

Roots have been more difficult.

I felt stagnated by my roots.

Strangled, believing I had to keep following the same line. Keep living up to who my parents were.

It's taken years to "cut the apron" strings psychologically with my parents. But I think I've made some good progress in the past few weeks and months. 

I don't want my children to struggle in the same ways I have, but I have also come to accept that struggle is necessary for growth. I can tell them over and over again that I love them no matter what, but the proof is in the pudding. I hope so far the proof has been stronger than the words.

Roots are good. They help us stand when storms come through. They give us a sense of security. But without the accompanying wings, we're only half way there.

linking up to Five Minute Friday

Flooded

flooding -- A therapeutic technique for treating phobias in which the patient is exposed to painful memories or frightening stimuli until he or she ceases to be anxious.

I was flooded recently with a memory. A memory locked away so tightly that I've fought tooth and nail to keep it so. 

In this memory, I am brutalized by a monster, but then handed off to a fixer. For years I have pitied this woman for being trapped in a terrible situation. But this time as I rode the memory through, I realized some important distinctions. She knew what he was doing to me in the other room. She knew her role as the fixer -- the aid to the cover-up. She made excuses for his actions. She led me to believe she was compassionate and caring, but her true purpose was to clean up his mess, and she did it willingly.

Flooded. Memories rushing over me like Sandy rushing through the northeast. Pain and tears and fear and confusion. Nowhere to safely land in this plethora of emotions. 

So I land where I usually do: first on my therapist's couch, sobbing into a sodden tissue and apologizing for wasting her time while I just sit and cry. Then on my own couch as I try to recount the events of the day to my husband and apologize for everything I failed to accomplish -- dinner and laundry and errands.

But this time, this time is different somehow. I am angry. And I never get angry. I am angry that these horrific people where part of my childhood. I am angry that I wasn't protected from them. I am angry that I am still held responsible by some people for what was done TO me. I am angry, and I am not sorry that I am angry.

I am not going to stop being angry until I feel like it. Because I have been flooded long enough.

linking up at Writer's Workshop and imperfect prose on thursdays

Day 31 of 31

Happy Halloween! And happy I've made it through 31 days of blogging.

I have good memories of Halloween as a young child. There were costumes bought at the 5 and Dime store. Cheap fabric and a plastic mask. My mother would make me wear a sweater over the costume ruining the entire ensemble. We would make the rounds, mostly to friends and relatives. The best was stopping at Auntie and Uncle Horace's house. She always made popcorn balls and we would sit in the living room eating them and sometimes caramel apples as well.

Other years there were parties at school with bobbing for apples, pin the tail on the donkey, and comparing our costumes. In memory it seems fun and innocent. I hope it really was like that.

The smell of autumn leaves is still one of my favorite scents. Whether it's just the damp, musky scent as they carpet the ground or the smell of them burning in bonfires, it just makes me smile.

I still love walking (kicking) through piles of crunchy leaves that accumulate, and watching each leaf's lazy dance through the autumn air. 

So for this last day of October -- Halloween -- last day of 31, I want to say thank you for reading and commenting. Thank you for letting me voice some really difficult things. Thank you for being there and not judging me.

Have a wonderful day and evening doing what you love with those you love, and remember --
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

-- Romans 8:28 (NASB)

Wordless Wednesday

photo credit Alan Pennington

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . October 30, 2012

Outside my window . . . it's windy, very windy! Mid 40's for temps, but the sky is clearing.

I am thinking . . . that I am glad one of the besties is coming over for a while today.

I am thankful . . . to not live on the east coast today!

In the kitchen . . . I have a sink full of handwash only items. Grrrr. . .

I am wearing . . . yoga pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. There may be a jacket in my immediate future.

I am creating . . . still working on the afghan, but I started a scarf for a Christmas present last week.

I am going . . . to take some shirts to the laundry, run by the YMCA to drop something off, and then to the grocery store.

I am wondering . . . about trying to do NaNoWriMo. It's really for fiction writers, but I'm wondering about using it to get motivated on my memoir everyone keeps telling me to write.

I am reading . . . The Stonecutter by Camilla Lackberg. She's a Swedish novelist. And no I didn't realize this was No. 3 in a series when I started it, but so far it hasn't mattered.

I am looking forward to . . . swimming with the manatees in December.

I am hearing . . . the wind and windchimes. We are under a wind advisory today. I am grateful that seems to be all we're getting from Sandy.

Around the house . . . still reclaiming the house from being out of town over the weekend.

I am pondering . . . the monster theme that seems to keep cropping up in my journaling. 

One of my favorite things . . . is sipping hot tea on a chilly morning. I'm on my second cup for today. I started out with English Breakfast Tea, and now have moved on to Plantation Mint.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . not much. Just the usual stuff.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

Yaya on her throne

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

One Block Over [Day 30]

I finished an 8-week yoga class last night. I love yoga and have been practicing off and on for 15+ years. This particular class was an introduction to Iyengar yoga. I did Iyengar when I first started yoga, but haven't done it in many years, so it was nice to have a refresher.

My only hesitancy in taking this particular class was it's location. It's in a lovely little neighborhood that is mostly small businesses now. It is the neighborhood I lived in until I was 6 years old. The yoga studio is one block over from the house in which I was abused by the monster.

I have driven through this neighborhood and even by that very house off and on over the past few years. I get hit with all the usual symptoms of headache, nausea, pain, panic, terror. This time I decided it was time to face it head on and try to take back that place from my childhood.

Time and space hold memory. Just like portions of my body remember the abuse through ongoing  pain today. 

I was nervous before each class -- not because of the yoga, that I loved -- it was the location. Standing at the yoga center I could look over one block and see the house. I know it's just a house -- a business now. But then it was my home with many good memories, all tainted by the episodes with the monster.

Last night I drove by the house as I left class. I noted the name of the business. I want to walk through that space again. I want to see what remains of the room he used to torment me. I want to exorcise him as much as possible from my life.

Yoga was a good start.