Roses and Fasting

Claire is sitting on the sofa with Yaya listening to music. Squeaker is resting on her rug in my corner of the house. And I am finishing my first cup of tea this morning. With temperatures still in the 30s there will be more to come I am sure. 

The roses I bought for myself yesterday sit on the corner of my desk and their scent is intoxicating. I woke up with a smile on my face this morning, and I was surprised by it.

A couple of bad days that included the recurring questions, "What do I do now?" and "What did I do wrong?" are behind me. Things aren't all fixed, but I'm feeling better with some answers I can live with. That first one is the hardest, because the answer is "Just wait". There are no immediate fixes. Only time and talking and learning and loving. That's it. No magic reset button.

The second answer seems to be "It doesn't matter". Hindsight is 20/20. There are always things we'd do differently. And I realize it's all one more lesson He is teaching me, and one more reminder to let go of coping mechanisms developed during abuse that just don't work in real life. 

It's Holy Week. The last of Lent is before me. I look at that piece of paper taped to the window in front of my desk. My Lenten fast.

fast from feeling guilty and angry at yourself for things

you have done wrong,

instead remember God's great love for you

I've let this fast happen. I haven't really worked at it. I've just read that daily and tried to care for myself without worrying about motives or what other people might think. I've done what seemed best for me as much as possible. The world hasn't crumbled and my family has barely noticed the difference, but I have. I'm breathing easier. Sitting and waiting instead of rushing in to fix everything for everyone.

I think that smile may be God telling me I've done okay.

linking up with Imperfect Prose and Just Write

Guilt Fast

I've been contemplating Lent for the past several weeks. I've mentioned before that I wasn't brought up in a tradition that observed the religious calendar, and this year found me wondering about the benefit of trying to give something up for Lent. I didn't want it to be just another requirement to be marked off my to-do list. I wanted something meaningful and helpful -- something that would help me focus on God. I did a Google search of Lent ideas and found a few that appealed to me, but one stood out mostly because it made me uncomfortable. What made me uncomfortable was it seemed too focused on me instead of God. I pondered on it for a while and yesterday asked a couple of people their opinion. Both of them responded immediately that this was a really good one for me in particular.

fast from feeling guilty and angry at yourself for things you have done wrong, instead remember God’s great love for you 

That's what I found. It's something I struggle with daily, as well as feeling guilty for what was done to me. I have spent a lot of time trying to reframe my understanding of my own guilt and responsibility for my behaviors, and trying to realize I cannot be guilty or responsible for another's actions. But to make that what Lent will be about for me this year? I don't know. I want to, but I'm worried about what others might think.

And that's when I realized it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is between God and me. I feel led to this by Him, and that is all the reason I need.

My counselor asked me to add a proviso to it because I tend to beat myself for failing at things. So I've added this line --

recognize that trying to fast from these feelings is a success even if I have trouble on any given day

I admit I'm a bit nervous still about this one. It still feels self-centered to me, but I'm working on it. I'm going to spend time searching for scriptures on God's love for me.

My Lenten season will be about resting in God's love. That seems a sound way to invite Easter into my life.

Blessings.

linking up with Imperfect Prose and Just Write

Thankful Thursday #8

I found this information on YouVersion.com and I wanted to share. I grew up in a religious tradition that shunned religious holidays. I didn't understand the meaning of Ash Wednesday until just a few years ago when a friend explained after I had shared my ignorance. Over the past few years, I have begun to incorporate aspects of the Lenten season into my own traditions. I have found it to be a time for renewal and self awareness, and I find comfort in the worldwide community of believers who participate at the same time.
I liked the ideas expressed in this piece (although is was essentially an ad for this particular application, but it's a good one).

"Lent draws us closer to God through purposeful prayer, self-denial, repentance, giving, and time in the Bible:
Prayer. We thank God for reaching out to transform us, and we ask for direction and insight. Consider asking God to help you see people the way He sees them.
Self-denial. Fasting means food, but we may also give up certain activities we enjoy. What things do you think about most? Food? Coffee? Sweets? Social media? Television and entertainment? Commit to go without at least one between now and Easter.
Repentance. When our thoughts drift to ourselves, that’s our cue to connect with God, asking Him to show us our weaknesses and sins. We ask Him to forgive us and change our hearts.
Giving. We freely offer whatever we have to those in need. It could be money contributed to worthy charities, our time, our talents. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Visit the elderly. Write letters of prayer and encouragement to orphans. Give intentionally to people who can’t repay you.
Scripture Reading. YouVersion has 5 Reading Plans specifically designed to help you center your life on God and His Word during this special time of reflection and purpose."
Right now I find myself grateful for the season; for the opportunity to re-examine my own life; to strive to grow closer to God; and to seek opportunities to serve others.
I hope you do too.

link up at Grace Alone