I am grateful, but joyous is a long way from my heart today.
This past week has brought reminders and remembrances of a past event. It is a common occurrence for me especially around holidays, but Easter has traditionally been one that gets by untarnished. Not so this year.
I've been processing through a rape that took place in the early spring many years ago. It's an episode that I've kept boxed up for a long time, and even now am wondering at the benefit of opening this particular box.
My energy level is very low. I'm sleeping a lot, and find I prefer to sit and watch television than do anything else. My house is messy, my refrigerator is full of inedible things. I can't seem to get motivated to cook or exercise or even write.
I find myself constantly apologizing, although I have no idea what I'm apologizing for. And I'm spending an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I can't just snap out of this funk?
There is, in reality, a very simple reason I can't just snap out of it. I was raped. Yes it was over 20 years ago, but I had never talked about it until a couple of months ago. I kept it stored in box on a shelf in a dusty, never entered corner of my mind.
I chose to open that box and talk about it, because I know that is the only way to heal, but nobody said healing was going to be easy. Healing from trauma is most often compared to healing a wound caused by burn or infection. It is not a one time treatment. A kiss and a band aid won't cut it. Instead trauma must be treated repeatedly -- a constant irritation and re-opening of the injury to make sure all the infection is fully removed.
I ran across this description recently:
Treatment for third-degree burns will depend on the severity of the burn. Burn severity is determined by the amount of body surface area that has been affected. The burn severity will be determined by your child's physician. Treatment for third-degree burns may include the following:
-early cleaning and debriding (removing dead skin and tissue from the burned area). This procedure can be done in a special bathtub in the hospital or as a surgical procedure.
-intravenous (IV) fluids containing electrolytes
-antibiotics by intravenous (IV) or by mouth
-antibiotic ointments or creams
-a warm, humid environment for the burn
-nutritional supplements and a high-protein diet
-pain medications
-skin grafting (may be required to achieve closure of the wounded area)
-functional and cosmetic reconstruction
I always have a difficult time letting others know I am struggling, but especially around holidays, I don't want to burden others with what I view as my negativity.
So today I will take a walk with my husband. I'll try to clean out my refrigerator and find something to feed my family. I'll remember the amazing gift of God our Father and Jesus Christ our Brother. And I will be kind to myself as I continue to travel this road of healing and learning to accept the reality of how difficult that can be.
Peace and blessings.
