Relief

a feeling of cheerfulness or optimism that follows the removal of anxiety, pain, or distress: I breathed a 
sigh of relief

It's a good news/bad news dilemma. Easter is past, and I feel relief. 

Easter is a time of celebration and joy, but each year I'm hampered by the call to feel a certain way. An enforced happiness because I am a Christian. Springtime brings a new set of triggers for me. A rape that took place in the spring, many years ago. Reminders come. It is the nature of trauma for it to rear its head. I've written about it before, and each year it's a bit easier.

So it's a relief for me to have Easter behind me. I remind myself there is no biblical imperative to acknowledge Easter in a different or more extravagant way than any other Sunday. I focus on the love of God -- to send His son as a gift for me. 

And I'm reminded of one of my favorite homilies. It comes from the movie Chocolat, an unexpected source of pleasure and learning for me. 

Père Henri: I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His kindness, His tolerance... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create... and who we include.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . April 22, 2014

Outside my window . . . it is gray, cloudy, and 65*. We got some rain last night. Currently a squirrel is sitting on my porch eating up the birdseed I spilled the other day.

I am thinking . . . the today is Earth Day. Everything in my yard is GREEN and birds are singing to each other. The earth is amazing!

I am thankful . . . for a day of accomplishments yesterday.

In the kitchen . . . last night I was just too tired to cook. Tonight I'm thinking about grilling sausages, steaming broccoli and cauliflower, and making a pasta salad.

I am wearing . . . I wonder if you can guess (since it's essentially the same thing every Tuesday)?

I am creating . . . still trying to get that sewing mojo going. I've got several in process projects that I'd like to create/finish, and several more new projects I'd like to get started on.

I am going . . . to run a few errands, take a walk with dd, and continue on the constant path of order around my house.

I am wondering . . . about how to continue my Lenten fast on a permanent basis --

fast from feeling guilty and angry at yourself 

for things you have done wrong,

instead remember God's great love for you

I am reading . . . The Dark Monk: A Hangman's Daughter Tale by Oliver Potzsch. I read the first one in the series and almost gave up on it, but I powered through to the end and was rewarded. Here I am on number 2 so we shall see.

I am looking forward to . . . the (in)RL Conference this weekend. There will be webcast and I found a meet-up close to me that I plan to attend on Saturday.

I am hearing . . . traffic and birds. It's that nice blend of morning sounds that seem to represent the beginning of a new day.

Around the house . . . bestie and I did some sorting and a little organizing yesterday. We worked on a better schedule for me with the changing season. Still trying to honor April as take care of me month.

I am praying . . . my bestie who is interviewing for a job today that would make it possible for her daughter to go to the college of her choice. Bestie would be great at this job, so I am praying that the interveiwers see that if this is God's will.

One of my favorite things . . . is learning. Last Friday dh invited me to a lecture he was attending on a new treatment method for post traumatic stress disorder. It was focused on combat veterans, but it was quite interesting. The whole experience reminded me how much I enjoy stretching my mind.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . therapy and errands today, tomorrow is my day at home and I plan to sew. Thursday is Precept Bible Study, and Friday is another day at home as well the beginning of the (in)RL Conference. Saturday is the meet-up for the conference and then back to church on Sunday.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

my Easter dinner table

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Easter Sunday

Last year this was my Easter post. 

I'm glad I'm not there currently. The past few weeks have been difficult -- my father in law is ill with pulmonary fibrosis; I had another flashback and all the aftershocks of that have taken a toll on my mood and spirits. My husband is working fulltime, in grad school, and dealing with his father's declining health. It's enough to put anyone in a funk.

I've worked hard to be kind to myself, to keep remembering that I am not less for feeling low. We made it to worship this morning, and I am so glad. Our lesson was on Esther (as we are working through the Bible this year), and the minister acknowledged it was an unusual topic for Easter Sunday. 

He shared that even though God is never mentioned in the book of Esther, He is still fully present. Just because we don't see or feel God, doesn't mean He has abandoned us. This was a particularly good reminder for me today. 

Our skies are cloudy, and it's damp and windy. Not the way Easter is supposed to feel. But my mood and struggles, or the weather itself, cannot change the fact of Easter. 

Easter is the rest of the story, after we get beyond Good Friday and sadness and absence left by the death of our Savior. Easter Sunday is the realization of the promise fulfilled. Death is conquered! There is nothing left to fear! It's the ultimate come back story. 

And I can feel peace even in difficult times, because He came back for me.

Blessings to all.

The Last Blog . . . (of This Meme)

This is me . . . 

What have I like best about this challenge . . . 

The best part for me is having a prompt for each day. I love to write, but am often stymied when I first sit down. Give me a prompt, and most of the time, I can go off on a riff.

So thanks to Tiffany for the challenge and all the prompts. And thanks to all of you who came and read and commented. I really enjoyed "meeting" some new bloggers.

Happy Easter, and don't be a stranger.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Holy Saturday

Something strange is happening - 

there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. 

The whole earth keeps silence because the King is asleep. 

The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh 

and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. 

God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.

Holy Saturday Reading

Job 14:1-17

The Message (MSG)

If We Die, Will We Live Again?

14 1-17 “We’re all adrift in the same boat:

    too few days, too many troubles.

We spring up like wildflowers in the desert and then wilt,

    transient as the shadow of a cloud.

Do you occupy your time with such fragile wisps?

    Why even bother hauling me into court?

There’s nothing much to us to start with;

    how do you expect us to amount to anything?

Mortals have a limited life span.

    You’ve already decided how long we’ll live—

    you set the boundary and no one can cross it.

So why not give us a break? Ease up!

    Even ditchdiggers get occasional days off.

For a tree there is always hope.

    Chop it down and it still has a chance—

    its roots can put out fresh sprouts.

Even if its roots are old and gnarled,

    its stump long dormant,

At the first whiff of water it comes to life,

    buds and grows like a sapling.

But men and women? They die and stay dead.

    They breathe their last, and that’s it.

Like lakes and rivers that have dried up,

    parched reminders of what once was,

So mortals lie down and never get up,

    never wake up again—never.

Why don’t you just bury me alive,

    get me out of the way until your anger cools?

But don’t leave me there!

    Set a date when you’ll see me again.

If we humans die, will we live again? That’s my question.

    All through these difficult days I keep hoping,

    waiting for the final change—for resurrection!

Homesick with longing for the creature you made,

    you’ll call—and I’ll answer!

You’ll watch over every step I take,

    but you won’t keep track of my missteps.

My sins will be stuffed in a sack

    and thrown into the sea—sunk in deep ocean.

Easter Sunday

It is Easter Sunday. My mind (and the world around me) is telling me to be joyous and grateful for my risen Lord. 
I am grateful, but joyous is a long way from my heart today.
This past week has brought reminders and remembrances of a past event. It is a common occurrence for me especially around holidays, but Easter has traditionally been one that gets by untarnished. Not so this year.
I've been processing through a rape that took place in the early spring many years ago. It's an episode that I've kept boxed up for a long time, and even now am wondering at the benefit of opening this particular box. 
My energy level is very low. I'm sleeping a lot, and find I prefer to sit and watch television than do anything else. My house is messy, my refrigerator is full of inedible things. I can't seem to get motivated to cook or exercise or even write. 
I find myself constantly apologizing, although I have no idea what I'm apologizing for. And I'm spending an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I can't just snap out of this funk?
There is, in reality, a very simple reason I can't just snap out of it. I was raped. Yes it was over 20 years ago, but I had never talked about it until a couple of months ago. I kept it stored in box on a shelf in a dusty, never entered corner of my mind. 
I chose to open that box and talk about it, because I know that is the only way to heal, but nobody said healing was going to be easy. Healing from trauma is most often compared to healing a wound caused by burn or infection. It is not a one time treatment. A kiss and a band aid won't cut it. Instead trauma must be treated repeatedly -- a constant irritation and re-opening of the injury to make sure all the infection is fully removed. 
I ran across this description recently:

Treatment for third-degree burns will depend on the severity of the burn. Burn severity is determined by the amount of body surface area that has been affected. The burn severity will be determined by your child's physician. Treatment for third-degree burns may include the following:

-early cleaning and debriding (removing dead skin and tissue from the burned area). This procedure can be done in a special bathtub in the hospital or as a surgical procedure.

-intravenous (IV) fluids containing electrolytes

-antibiotics by intravenous (IV) or by mouth

-antibiotic ointments or creams

-a warm, humid environment for the burn

-nutritional supplements and a high-protein diet

-pain medications

-skin grafting (may be required to achieve closure of the wounded area)

-functional and cosmetic reconstruction

I see so many similarities here. I think I'm in that debriding stage right now, and it is immensely painful and tiring.

I always have a difficult time letting others know I am struggling, but especially around holidays, I don't want to burden others with what I view as my negativity. 

So today I will take a walk with my husband. I'll try to clean out my refrigerator and find something to feed my family. I'll remember the amazing gift of God our Father and Jesus Christ our Brother. And I will be kind to myself as I continue to travel this road of healing and learning to accept the reality of how difficult that can be.

Peace and blessings.

April Joy Dare #1

"Enter the password: 'Thank you!" . . . Thank Him. Worship Him!

--Psalm 100:4

April 1st -- 3 gifts round

1. my empty laundry hamper
2. a bowl full of yogurt and granola
3. the clock face telling me it's time to go to bed

April 2nd -- 3 gifts white

1. a single dandelion seedhead

2. a balloon floating across my lawn 
(although it was actually pink!)
3. dogwoods blooming during Holy Week

April 3rd -- 3 gifts surprisingly found

1. a conversation with a new/old friend
2. an unexpected compliment
3. a little patch of "free" time

April 4th -- 3 gifts in His Word

1. Micah 6:8

2. I Peter 5:6

3. Matthew 28:20

April 5th -- 3 gifts @ 11 am, 2 pm, 6 pm

1. photographing spring

2. solid, soaking rain

3. dinner brought in by my son

April 6th -- 3 gifts nailed together

1. marriage through suffering, commitment, and love

2. children through anticipation, joy, sorrow, and love

3. relationship with God through trust, knowledge, faith and love

April 7th -- 3 gifts waited for

1. silence

2. the opened Tomb

3. peace

April 8th -- 3 gifts rising up

1. Jesus

2. my heart

3. my mood

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