The Smirk

I hadn’t seen him in months, and it had been so restful.
We lived in the same neighborhood, so of course I worried about running into him or just seeing his car drive by on the road.
I was running errands with my kids – distracted by them, focused on the task at hand. Walking down the aisle of the drug story contemplating buying candy just for the hell of it.
I rounded the corner and there he stood.
All the clichés are true. I froze in the spot. Time stood still. I couldn’t utter a sound. His daughter was with him. My children were with me.
In my head were a million and one things I wanted to say. You liar. You bastard. You ruined my life, my family. I hate you. Why can’t you just disappear off the face of the earth? Why were you even born?
Instead I stood there like a fool, and what I remember is the smirk on his face. He was enjoying my discomfort. He realized he still had power over me.
I don’t know if it was that or the children, but something released. I pleasantly addressed his daughter as the children began to chat. I nodded an acknowledgement to him, and hurried my children along with the mom exhortation of “we have so much to do”.
I paid for the items in my cart. I walked my kids to the car, stowing bags and children in their assigned locations. The whole time wondering how I was calmly going about these routine activities. Angered by a God who lets men like him walk free. Smirking at me.
I wanted to shout to everyone I saw, “Don’t go in there. Watch out for yourselves and your children. There’s a rapist in there.” But that would have been inappropriate, and I’d have been viewed as the crazy one, giving him even more fodder for that smirk.
So I went on my way. I finished my errands. I helped the kids with homework, and cooked dinner, and cleaned the kitchen, and gave baths, and read stories, and tucked little bodies into beds with prayers and kisses. And I tried not to think about that smirk – not to denigrate myself for letting him/it get to me.
I crawled into bed, mentioning the encounter to my husband – downplaying it as I always did. I was over reacting. No big deal, really.
I found a new drugstore. I didn’t go back to that one for a long time, and even still over 10 years later that smirk is the first thing I think of when I walk by that store.

linking up at Write on Edge

Change

Change is good, at least that's what "they" say.
When my kids were little, I had one who rolled with the punches, embraced rearranged furniture. The other not so much. He'd come unglued at the mere suggestion of a change.
Myself, I like superficial changes. I love rearranging furniture (plus it's the only way I'm ever going to willingly deep clean!).
Deeper change is really hard for me, and I feel as if I've been in deeper change mode for a long time.
Real change is exhausting, time consuming, and freeing.
Recently I've done some changing with regard to family connections. Change without a road map is especially difficult, but I've had some really good guides along this road.
The big thing I keep telling myself is, "Change is not a destination, it's a process".

linking up at 5 Minute Friday

Thankful Thursday #33

I've written several posts lately about some tough family issues. I've been dealing with the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse for years, and often I feel that I should be able to put it in the past. What I forget is that the abuse is in the past, but the effects linger long after the final episode is finished.

This week I've found myself on a roller coaster ride of mood swings. I've been happily aware of the wonderful life I have on one day, and deep in depressive despair over the state of extended family relationships on the next.

Yesterday while finishing up my Bible study I ran across this quote from Thomas a Kempis:

Endeavor to be always patient of the faults and imperfections 

of others for you have many faults and imperfections 

of your own that require forbearance. 

If you are not able to make yourself what 

you wish, how can you expect to mold 

another in conformity to your will?

And I wonder how patient I am will the faults and imperfections of others. 

The other day I saw this quote:

Don't judge me because my sin

is different that yours.

It made me stop and think about how frustrated I can become with other people. 

I'm struggling right now to accept some things I'm not going to be able to change, and apparently God's not planning on changing them either. So how do I go about my daily life remembering to be loving toward those whose faults and imperfections I have trouble understanding simply because they are different than mine?

For me it all comes back to love. Verses like Deuteronomy 6:5

Love the Lord your God with all your heart 

and with all your soul and with all your strength.

and Mark 12:29-31:

"The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.”

and James 2:8:

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your 

neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right.

So today I find myself feeling gratitude for a heavenly Father who gives me constant reminders that His overwhelming desire is that we all love one another. 

And by doing that, I am doing right.

linking up with Grace Alone

words

I wrote about it here.
I got a letter from each of them. Separately.

hers started out well enough. Apologies . . . with a "but" attached.
explanations. defense. blame?
I am hurt and angered . . . again.
I am tired. I am lost.
I did not expect to react so strongly. I got, in many ways, just what I predicted.
words . . . but where are the actions and emotions?

his was wonderfully written.
it's what he does.
even so, it felt more real. heartfelt?
there was a literature reference to be sure, but it applied.
he apologized.
no "buts".
no explanations, no defense, no blame.
I cried.
I want to believe.
words . . . but there have been words before.

I shared them with trusted friends, some who know them, some who don't.

several pointed out what I had initially missed. 
they skirt specificity.
they leave unanswered key questions I posed.

I am tired. 
the anger has drained away.
I question whether or not I want to continue this struggle.

when do I say enough?

linking up to imperfect prose on thursday

Wordless Wednesday -- Farmer's Market Goodies

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . August 28, 2012

Outside my window . . . fluffy white clouds against a robin's egg blue sky. The cherry tree is dropping leaves in earnest now. Warm today, but autumn is definitely on the way.

I am thinking . . . keeping expectations in line helps in dealing with disappointments. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

I am thankful . . . for good friends, loving kids, and great husband.

In the kitchen . . . we are playing "let's clean out the refrigerator and freezer". It just seemed like a good time to put meals together out of what I have on hand, so each days is an adventure!

I am wearing . . . this gown from Vermont Country Store. I love cotton gowns more than anything in the world!

I am creating . . . afghans, afghans, and more afghans!

I am going . . . to have a day at home. Yoga here, Bible study, laundry, change the sheets, crochet. A nice stay at home day.

I am wondering . . . how God wants me to handle an extended family situation. I am listening and waiting.

I am reading . . . The Surgeon by Tess Gerritsen. It may be too gritty for my taste right now.

I am looking forward to . . . a quiet day around the house.

I am hearing . . . the quiet hum of electronics and traffic, punctuated by the occasional bird.

Around the house . . . bit by bit I'm clearing things away and making a simpler place to be.

I am pondering . . . the parent/child relationship. My relationship with parents, and my relationship with my children.

One of my favorite things . . . is feeling that I have done what needs to be done, so I can sit down and read or watch tv or crochet.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . things are calmer than last week. Nothing much planned. Back to Precepts on Thursday and then the Labor Day weekend.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

flowers from the Franklin Farmer's Market

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

August Joy Dare #2

"Enter the password: 'Thank you!" . . . Thank Him. Worship Him!

--Psalm 100:4

August 20th -- 3 gifts serving

1. housework

2. sharing in struggles

3. preparing my son to move

August 21st -- a gift straight, curve, turn

1. crisply made bed

2. a drive with my daughter

3. chicken on the grill

August 22nd -- 3 gifts in light

1. light found in scripture

2. light found in talking

3. light found in listening

August 23rd -- 3 gifts old

1. 27 years of marriage

2. antique hankies reminding me of love

3. time spent alone with my husband

August 24th -- 3 gifts moving

1. recovering from moving my son to college

2. arranging a freshly painted table and chairs

3. driving with my husband

August 25th -- 3 gifts fragile

1. emotions

2. chronic pain

3. wild flowers from the market

August 26th -- a gift cut, sewn, buttoned

1. fresh vegetables for a salad

2. comfort in stitches for an afghan

3. a denim jacket for the morning chill

Share at: a holy experience, one thousand gifts, Facebook, #joydare, #onethousandgifts