Late

Sometimes I feel as if I showed up late for my own life. Clearly I was present in my life for my birth and childhood. All through middle school, high school, college, and grad school. I was there for my wedding and the births of my children. 

Somewhere in my mid-30s I began to recognize the disconnect that had flowed through my life. That feeling of waiting for real life to begin. I knew it was supposed to be different than it was, especially what was going on in my head -- my interior life -- but I couldn't articulate it, and even when I tried all I seemed to get were blank stares and platitudes.

At 38 I went into counseling and it soon became clear that I had repressed an abundance of horrific memories of abuse from childhood. Repression can be a wonderful thing, not unlike dissociation, but the problem is you lose the good along with the bad. I felt that I had lost my sense of self, but that sounded terribly pretentious even in my own head.

As the memories came flooding back, and panic attacks and flashbacks became the norm in my life, I sometimes wished for the repression and dissociation to return. It wasn't particularly fulfilling walking around feeling only half present, but this constant barrage of pain and questioning didn't seem any better.

"They" kept telling me it would get better. Things would stabilize as the flashbacks and panic decreased. They told me it took 5-7 years to process abuse. I held on to that number -- the magic number for when I'd be all better. Somewhere in the midst of that time I realized what they had really said was 5-7 years for each episode of abuse. When I passed the seven year mark, I had to have a long talk with myself. I had made a lot of progress and it was okay that everything wasn't perfect. I had multiple abusers and multiple episodes with each one. Maybe there wasn't a definitive time frame.

It's been nearly 14 years since I started this path toward recovering from the past. I consistently see things differently now than I did back then. I'm nicer to myself. Less demanding and more accepting. I understand that better doesn't mean it didn't happen. Better doesn't mean no more panic attacks or flashbacks. Better means I recognize them for what they are and have developed coping skills for dealing with the tough patches.

I'm 52 now and I'm just now figuring out who I am. The way I see it, I'd rather be late to this party called life than never to have arrived at all.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Pinwheels!

Pinwheels for Prevention



linking up with Wordless Wednesday

Hurt Child

Inspiration comes from unexpected places. Recently I was commenting on another blog. The "captcha" at the bottom was "1703 hrtchild". And I saw "hurt child". And I knew I had neglected my initial concept of dedicating this month's blogging to Child Abuse Awareness Month/Sexual Abuse Awareness Month.

I started out with good intentions. I wrote a few posts about understanding terminology, what PTSD recovery looks like, and about things survivors wish others understood about us. 

Then life got in the way. Family health struggles. A mini-vacation that failed (almost epically). Sleep deprivation. All those real life issues that can set aside best laid plans.

Hurt child.

That's really what this month of awareness is about. Millions of children around the world who fall into that category.

Hurt child.

Children all over the nation. In my state. In my city. My neighborhood. My house. Me.

Hurt child.

And I am reminded of all the belittling that was done to my pain and confusion. Often by people who claimed to love me. But I'm also reminded of the belittling I've done to others because I couldn't or wouldn't try to understand their pain.

We are all of us hurt children. Whether through abuse and/or neglect in physical, emotional, or spiritual form. We all crave acceptance and love and the tender expression of those emotions. 

Awareness is an oft used term. Awareness is about seeing and being seen. About really looking and listening. To the hurt and pain in a child's eyes. To posture. To the way a child or person talks about themselves. 

See them. See us. See me. Recovery is possible, but how much better to eliminate the abuse before it ever happens. And if it happens, to respond with awareness and love and appreciation. To build us all up to be true children of God instead of the hurt child.

linking up with imperfect prose on thursdays

Tips for Recovery

1. Remember life will go on. 

2. Reduce your stress.

3. Listen to uplifting music.

4. Remember you are not alone.

5. Find humor where you can. Laugh.

6. Buy yourself a stuffed animal. This provides comfort and represents a positive aspect of childhood.

7. Carry a small book of quotes or scriptures with you. Anytime your need a pick me up, read over them.

8. Keep a journal. Write anything you want. No one else has to read this, but you may find it helpful to share when you are ready.

9. Don’t get caught up in being perfect. Stay caught up in finding you.

10. Breathe. Take up yoga or some form of meditation.

11. Be kind to yourself. Watch how you talk to yourself and about your self.

12. Cry or scream into a towel or pillow.

13. Stay connected to friends. You may have to limit the number, but find at least one trusted friend to talk to whenever you need to hear a friendly voice.

14. Get help with the day-to-day chores.

15. Pray. If you can’t pray in your regular way, don’t panic. Try writing a letter to God. Try reading other people’s prayers. Create a God Can.

CSA, PTSD, EMDR, SAMM and Other Acronyms that Mean Nothing to the General Populace

I throw around a lot of acronyms on here. It's the nature of my history, diagnosis, and life. Sometimes when I'm talking with other people, I forget that they don't know what all those letter mean. So today I'm giving you a crash course in CSA and it's lingo. 

That's the first one. CSA is child sexual abuse. Essentially it is a subset of child abuse in which the abuser uses a child for sexual gratification.

PTSD is more commonly recognized. Post traumatic stress disorder is generally seen in veterans, but is also common in survivors of abuse, survivors of accidents and natural disasters. It is an anxiety disorder that develops following some form of life-threatening or perceived life-altering trauma.

There are many forms of treatment for PTSD, but one of the most successful is EMDR. Eye movement desensitization reprogramming therapy "combines dual attention to a traumatic memory with back-and-forth eye movements, or alternating sound or vibrations. The sensory stimulation triggers the brain's 'investigatory response' that leads to neurophysiological changes that diminish or resolve the effects of trauma." (citation)

SAMM is the acronym for Sexual Assault Awareness Month which is April.

I hope this information gives you a starting place if you are a survivor, friend or loved one of a survivor, or just interested in knowing more about helping survivors.

Peace and blessings.

What We Wish You Knew

Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: What We Would Like You to Know About Us

1. We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

2. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

4. Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

5. Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because: we are working on separating the past from the present. Pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously. It is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children. Sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.

6. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

7. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

8. There is nothing wrong with us as survivors -- something wrong was DONE to us.

9. Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.

10. Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

11. Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

12. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody -- from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education-- may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

13. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

14. We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way.

15. Our therapy does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

16. Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

From Triumph over Darkness by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A. copyright Wendy Ann Wood 1993

April = SAAM

It's April, which means I pull out my blue ribbon. I've written about the abuse I endured as a child. I've written about the rapes as an adult. I've shared with you all -- mostly strangers in real life -- about intimate details of the ugliness of abuse. Everyone of you who have commented have had nothing but generous, positive, and uplifting things to say to me. And for that I am more grateful than you will ever know.

May I ask a favor now? Do something this month to help raise awareness of sexual assault. Wear a ribbon. Share the logo on your blog or Facebook page. Speak out in some way to remind others that there are victims trying to become survivors, and survivors trying to become thrivers. 

The ugliness won't go away on its own. The only way to rid the world of darkness is to spread the light. Shine it on those dark, nasty things, so they will slither away. 

Throughout this month I will sharing some older posts, some new posts, and some helpful posts for those of us who are survivors. But also for those of you living with and loving victims and survivors, and for those of you who want to help in any way you can. 

Shine the light, because that is the first step.

For more information --

The Innocence Revolution

Sexual Assault Center